NFL WK 8: South division teams

#1: TENNESSEE TITANS (6-0, 2nd overall) - Really, the only thing you have to say to show how fucking mediocre the NFL has become, where anyone can beat anyone and nobody is allowed to stockpile players or build dynasties, is that the starting QB of the only undefeated team left in the NFL right now is Kerry Collins. Kerry Fucking Collins. The recovered alcoholic. The dude of questionable uses of epithets towards his own wide receiver in Carolina. The fucking douchebag fratboy-faced fuckwad who was previously known for gunslinging interceptions like AFC West running backs sling fertile sperm into various womenfolks. Kerry Collins. And Vince Young is an afterthought all of a sudden - the young darling of the NFL who was on Madden's cover last year. He is a mentally unstable ignorant (at least according to his wonderlickings) young black dude who may never be the same, because the game has used him the fuck up, sold a ton of $78 jerseys with his name on it, and tossed him aside. Shit, he should've started a dogfighting operation too, to at least get something out of his short stint as future superstar face of the NFL. I would bet, even in prison, Michael Vick gets his pick of the man-pussy.
But let's be for-real here... there is no way a team led by Kerry Collins is gonna win a Super Bowl. And also, it was funny as fuck to see LenDale White have that long ass run last weekend, looking over his shoulder like "What the fuck? Somebody catch me before I have a heart attack."

#2: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (5-2, 4th overall) - It looks like Jon Gruden's giving Jeff Garcia his locket back, and they're going steady again. They're so sweet. I remember last year when I was in Algebra II with them, and sat between them in the same row, and Jeff was always passing notes forward to Jon, and I'd have to pass it with it under my sneaker, sliding it up under Jon's desk and tapping him on his back. It happened so often that he didn't even look back when I tapped eventually, just instinctively reaching down discreetly so that mean old Mrs. Dumminger didn't catch him. But I give him credit, he truly is an offensive genius. He had made some Chinese ninja throwing stars with razor notebook paper and gave them to Jeff before class one time, and she actually caught the passing note, and mean old Mrs. Dumminger opened it up and started reading it, "Dear Jon, Do you like me to be under your center this Sunday? Check one. Yes. No. May..." and before she could get out that last syllable, double razor notebook paper Chinese ninja throwing stars into her eyeballs by Jeff Garcia. He's ambidextrous, you know.

#3: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-2, 6th overall) - In the Redskins shittiest era (aka Jack Kent Cooke had just died and Norvell Turner was coaching), I had actually contemplated abandoning them for the Panthers. That's how down I was on the Skins. But I never could do that shit. Still though, I have always liked the Panthers at least casually, and them having Steve Smith on their team has just made it better. Although that suffered a setback this week as I heard him on Jim Rome's show, and it kinda ruined it. First off, curses to the local other AM sports radio station for having local suckasses from noon to 3 pm, who actually repeat themselves over and over and over every hour, so that if you listen for more than 30 minutes, it's just a re-do of the same bullshit. It's because of them I even have listened to Jim Rome lately. And other than being forced to out of extreme boredom and desiring sports radio's soothing babble to make the hours disappear at work, I cannot fathom why anyone would listen to Jim Rome. It was bad enough years ago when I listened to him last, but now it's like wacky morning show FM DJ sound bites over and over that I guess is supposed to be funny, except they are against drugs, so I guess you have to be handicapped and into sports. I had no idea there were that many special olympians on the earth though. Anyways, Steve Smith was on there, giving financial advice, being noble by refusing to talk to the media about breaking his teammate's nosebones, all that. And then came Rome talking about how "epic" the interview was and reading 19,000 emails that said "Steve Freakin' Smith". God that shit is so fucking predictable. It would've been much better if they had talked about what airbrush dude did his shoes up every week, or ask how Rae Carruth was doing or something. Fucking white ass Jim Rome.

#4: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (3-3, 8th overall) - I guess the Jaguars are still supposed to be considered a good team, but I say fuck that noise. They've had as many people get arrested as the Bengals the past few years, just more quietly in Jacksonville. Shit, their best player all-time, Jimmy Smith, was a perennial cokehead. And Matt Jones just got busted with coke. Who the fuck gets busted for coke in the NFL in 2008? I think it all goes back to Jack Del Rio, who looks more like a family man caught up with bad influences on an old episode of Miami Vice than any other coach in any sport ever. He looks the part so well that you know he lives the part, to an extent. They are a lawless team, where motherfuckers used to chop a chunk of wood in the locker room with an ax, and a reserve O-lineman got shot the fuck up so badly earlier this season that he lost a leg and is paralyzed for life. Gangstas man. Gangstas don't win Super Bowls as a unit. You can squeeze a couple gangstas into the mix, most successfully at linebacker, but you can't just have a team full of Tupacs in Juice and expect to continue on the upswing. I think what we are seeing is the last gasps of a gangsta ass crew that's about to implode, send Jack Del Rio on his merry way, and go back to being a shitty team. Hopefully, Pete Carroll will take an NFL job and Del Rio will get offered the gig at his alma mater - USC, and they'll turn into a college gangsta ass team, like Miami was, which of course will eventually ruin USC's football program, like Miami's sucks now, because they'll be forced to actually make kids go to classes and not get paid openly and shit like that.

#5: ATLANTA FALCONS (4-2, 10th overall) - Oh man, spirits is high in the ATL as Matty Ryan has done far better than ever expected. But wait till that shooting star crashes back to the earth, once the NFL parity curve catches up to Atlanta and their new offense featuring Michael Turner's fast little ass. The Falcons will always suck, because they abandoned those pimp ass red uniforms, and double cursed once they replaced the simple flat falcon for that semi-cybertronic looking ass thing perfect for the XFL. Call it the curse of White Shoes Johnson's Wobbly Legs.

#6: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-3, 22nd overall) - Watching the Colts suck is so fun because I hate me some Peyton Manning. It will be funny because his career will basically be broken into three parts: the first 8 or so years - couldn't win the big game, that one year - won the big game, the last 8 or so years - didn't win the big game again. Jokes on you, you fucking goober.

#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-4, 24th overall) - I would say, without doing a lot of research or reading or know-it-all pontification, that the biggest problem with the Saints is that I can name about 9 offensive skill position players they have, and beyond that dreadlocked dude Mike McKenzie who used to play for the Packers alongside Al Harris as the most dreadlocked pair of cornerbacks ever, I couldn't tell you a defensive player for the Saints. I read recently that head coach Sean Payton and QB Drew Brees are great homies, going out together to see movies or bang trannies and shit, and that's all fine and dandy I guess, but when you see those clips of Brees all conniption fitting the team into motivation before games, it seems kind of weird. Kind of like when you have a boss and most everybody doesn’t want to do shit at work because you know, we’re American so fuck it, let’s look at shit online instead, but there’s like that one dude who’s down with the boss and they go to lunch together and pound Budweisers at a BBQ joint, and that dude tries to rally motherfuckers to give a shit and go hard until quitting time. Fuck dudes like that.

#8: HOUSTON TEXANS (2-4, 26th overall) - Man, that game a couple weeks back that Sage Rosenfels single-handedly lost to the Colts was amazing. I mean, the feeble Texan fans had already turned on Matt Schaub, and here ol’ Sage had led the team to a near-defeat of the dreaded Indianapolis Colts in a sign of validation for this young team with horrendous uniforms. Then, just like that, he gave it back, lost his good credit, and is back to being a back-up, and will probably never start a game again anywhere except during family reunions. Just like that. The Texans are one of the most obscure teams in the NFL. I know they have players, and I know of some of the better ones, but they could have like a great LB that goes into free agency and the Redskins pay a jillion dollars for and I’d be like, “Who the fuck is this guy?” I feel kinda bad for Mario Williams too, because he was getting all that Big Draft Bust publicity, then he started playing good and the team faded into the NFL background. At least when he was a failure, he was noteworthy. Now, no one knows who he is. I think the best thing for the franchise would be for TV Johnny Dang to buy them, put diamonds in their face masks, and just be the most over-the-top outrageous team in the NFL. With Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton, they’re already partially equipped to navigate such territory. Really, if they could just pick up Vince Young from the Titans and run an option offense called Super Bling, and then run a wacky reverse bling defense, always in at least nickelback coverage, but with extra strong safeties to blitz and spear motherfuckers, that’d be some great shit to see happen. But I’m just dreaming... dreaming away my last blurb.

100 VINYLZ: #84 - Eat Out More Often LP by Rudy Ray Moore

(1970, Traffic Records)
I made this list a couple of months ago, and it’s sad that I’m writing about this record a couple days after Rudy Ray Moore died. (I found it strange that Dolemite was born in 1927, though; he was truly ahead of his time.) My folks used to have 8-track tapes back in the day, and they had a couple of Rudy Ray Moore ones, one of which the cover was nothing more than a champagne glass. I knew I wasn’t supposed to listen to it, mostly because no one ever played it while I was around, and it got kept in one of the side cabinets of the actual working Victrola my folks had. But dad also had a stack of a couple hundred Penthouses, Ouis, and Hustlers in a closet that I looked at like a motherfucker when I’d stay home from school, pretending to be sick, so I could masturbate myself silly. I put on the Rudy Ray Moore 8-track one day, expecting like some super-awesome sex soundtrack that was just gonna make my young pubescent dick pop right outside of my body, but no. There were dirty words, and a foul-mouthed lady who sounded like she had fat hips from too many pork chop sandwiches, but nothing to make my dick hard. And I was too young to really appreciate blue humor.
Fast forward a few years, and I’m in college in Richmond, Virginia, which at this point (around 1991 or 1992) was still a run-down piece of shit and not yet rejuvenated by my alma mater Virginia Commonwealth University as well as other projects (but one man’s rejuvenation is another man’s sterile ass bullshit). There were tons of shitty thrift stores, benefitting all sorts of charitable groups (meaning most likely the old couple that ran them), and I was a college student in the early ‘90s, so getting stuff at thrift stores was like the best shit ever. The stupid ebays hadn’t been created yet, so people couldn’t scour the earth for dumbasses to rip off on every obscure piece of crap they had laying around, so a lot of times, you could still find great shit at a thrift store, at a great price. (My best thrift store purchase, really ever, was in this weird little hole-in-the-wall thrift store on Broad Street near VCU where I bought four old Hustler magazines and a really nice satin American flag, complete with the yellow fringe, for $10. I masturbated to the Hustlers, and a few years later, after an all-night session of drinking, me and Eddie the singer from the M-80s who is now a heroin junkie and probably dead and his girlfriend Whitney tied the flag onto a clothesline pulley thing in my Oregon Hill back yard, set it on fire as the sun came up, and pulleyed it out over the middle of the yard, standing there drunkenly laughing. Then my cop neighbor who lived one building over on the bottom floor came out to see all this. He didn’t even bat an eye, we said “morning” to each other, and he drove off in his cop car.) Well, the Salvation Army that used to be on Broad Street down where all the non-white people mill about waiting for buses or jobs or death or whatever, it was a prime ass thrift store. I went in there one time, and right on the end of a stack of records on the floor was a Redd Foxx LP. So I dug. I ended up finding a Reynaldo Rey LP too, plus two Rudy Ray Moore ones, one without the sleeve though, which I just tucked into this one, which did have the sleeve. By this point in my life, I had been corrupted by the rapping musics, so I had an appreciation for the blue humor, as performed by old school darkies who used to do the Chitlin Circuit.
The thing about Rudy Ray Moore’s better albums, and this one’s still my favorite out of the seven or eight I’ve ever owned in one format or another, is the use of a live house band, as well as foul-mouthed singers. Calling himself the Godfather of Rap wasn’t just jive (haha, I’ve been using that word a lot lately, because I’m a stupid fucker who thinks retarded shit like that is funny to do to unsuspecting people, and if I can’t entertain myself in my time on this shitty rock, then fuck you and your judgemental ass nature), because there’s some seriously ass funky shit in there. I am surprised no one has sampled a few of these tracks intros or outros, although then again, there are far faggier whiteboys on this earth nowadays than myself, and they’ve stolen far more electronic Rudy Ray Moore files than I ever bought at shitty thrift stores, so I’m sure these things have been sampled silly by the Swedish and Norwegish and all that shit. But I guess this album is most notable for being where the story of “Dolemite” was first on the wax, and I’m sure three million rappers have sampled lines from that. But their’s isn’t as grainy and poppy as my copy. Which is why I love vinyl - so organic and fucked-up and full of a story. You can pick the seeds out of a big bag of weed on an album cover. I’d like to see you fags do that with your tiny assed ipods.
Actually, I just did some quick research, and this was Rudy Ray Moore’s first LP. His second was This Pussy Belongs To Me, released like a month after his first one, which is the other sleeveless LP I got that day, but I tucked it in some other album at some point for safe keeping and have never remembered where that was. Which sucks, because that album has “Hurricane Annie”. But both made the Billboard Soul charts, making Rudy Ray Moore the first soul artist to have two albums on the chart at the same time. That’s all the internet-based music fag minutaie I have for you though. You can anything else you need on your own. Also, my album cover is the more Salvation Army clean one, not the completely awesome ass one as pictured above.

100 VINYLZ: #85 - Lie LP by Charles Manson

(1974, ESP-Disk Records)
I have always been intrigued by ol' Chuckie Milles Manson, ever since I was a pre-teen. He's on some other-level psychology shit, always just being a mirror back at whoever is interviewing him, which is also why I'd never want to actually interview him, because he'd just reflect how awesome he is instead of the creepy shit that's inside. He comes across as a great mix of new age hippie bullshit from the '60s and jailhouse science. I would imagine if he didn't have the swastika tattooed on his forehead, he and the 5 Percenters would be tight.
I can't remember when I got this, but I it was probably when I used to mail order bunches of shit from Toxic Shock, which later became something else with a stupid name. It's just the folksy shit he was recording when he was hanging out with that one Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, and it's not really that great (kind of like the Beach Boys; man, I was tricked into giving Pet Sounds the grand remastering another shot recently, and that stuff is retarded, like some surfer kid cracked his head open on a conkshell, but his older brother self-medicated the kid after his homemade extreme sports lobotomy with psilocybin tea, and the kid made an album, and everybody said it was genius to make him feel good like Special Olympians getting gold medals). I guess "Cease to Exist" is the most famous song off of Lie, because it has been covered by bands in the past couple decades, but I've always loved "Garbage Dump" the most, because that's the most anarchist hippie song on here. To this day, there are dumpster divers like mad, some of them close friends of mine. I have two or three garbage bags full of bagels in the freezer on my porch from both one of my wife's friends as well as an older couple at what used to a commune down the road. And I know a crazy mountain dude who feeds his yard chickens entirely with thrown out lettuces from two local Food Lions he picks up every Friday around lunch, because that's when they shuffle the lettuces.
I downloaded a ton of Manson's prison recordings recently, off of archive.org, and that's what I've always wanted more anyways. Were I a money-wasting man right now and not just a regular fucking doomed fat American loser like the rest of you, I'd be searching inside the ebays for a vinyl copy of Live in San Quentin, because that's the fucking shit right there. His kookery and cosmic kung fu is far more deeply embedded in that shit than this old second-rate folksy crap. When I was in high school, this older kid Greg who was a huge influence on corrupting me, but in a smart delinquent way, would make me mixtapes of all the crazy underground punk bullshit he bought like mad with his drug dealing monies. Greg was crazy, like he was always proud he never once had his name in any yearbook, and that's why I'd never say his whole name here. He also would get pissed if you copied his mixtapes for anybody because he didn't really like people outside of like five dudes. He fucked up one kid for dubbing some Cramps shit from some other dude he hooked up. Anyways, Greg would slip me tapes fairly often (I still have a few of them), and one had a Manson prison song, which I never knew the name of until getting the shit off the interorgs the other month. "And As I Told You On This Chord Once Before" is the song, and I used to listen to that shit every day in high school, except when I was afraid he might be brainwashing me, because he might be. There's a strange cadence to it all, and weird ways the words roll poetically but then switch up into something different. If I find that album, that shit might be top ten next time around. Still, just on general Charles Manson awesomeness (Air, Trees, Water, Animals yall), Lie sits right here on my stupid pretentious record dork list of doom.

Homemade Song of the Week: "The Deadbeat Heartbeat of a Hobo" by 1000 Feathers

So back to some real homemade shit, done in the camper, mic into broken 4-track machine, RCA cables down to headphone jack into USB turntable into shitty laptop that hardly works because of viruses that shot out of vaginas I looked at with it, into audacity, pitch shift the vocals, and bam, that's a song. I need to get back to doing this shit, as I've been fucking around doing nothing, being a normal fucker half the time, all depressed and shit. I started writing this song one day riding around with my 9-year-old daughter, then quit because I hated it. Two days later, she asked me how it ended because she liked it so much, so I finished it, turning it into a song where I leave an imaginary daughter to be a hobo, feeling bad that I left her behind, sort of. What a great thing to dedicate to my daughter, hunh? Well, here's that song I just spoke of, low levels and all.

100 VINYLZ: #86 - Lyricist Lounge, Volume One 4x12" by Various Artists

(1998, Rawkus Records)
Man, I'll be honest right up front here and confess that last weekend, I was doing some tune-up work on both the family vehicles, so I dragged one of my monstrous 1970s speakers out of the camper, and threw this record on the turns table. It did not stand the test of time, and that's barely a decade ago. It was hard to get through any one side of any of the four maxi-singles, which is how they break up the hip hop albums so that it has fatter grooves in the vinyl for DJs to tear up upon with diamond-tipped needles. Still, as I didn't go back and revisit any of these records as I made a giant list and culled it down to a final top 100 over the course of a month this past spring, without going through the process of listening to everything like a fucking douche, sitting there and taking notes on highs and lows. I worked from memory.
My memory of this album is of it being the culmination of those early Rawkus years, when I was buying a good $40 to $100 worth of new vinyl every week, as I had no responsibilities otherwise, other than half of the rent on a $200 a month trailer. It was when the indie rap movement first started to creep into my area, and Willie's Records & Tapes (R.I.P.) would have strange white label jams mixed in with all the more commonly known shit. I got into a lot of great shit all at once at that time, with the indie labels popping up with good distribution, plus with rap music being still in the throes of Wu-Tang not yet having sucked shit completely and still having a lot of weird guest spots before guest spots were as common as some sort of stupid shit that's everywhere, even where it never should be, nowadays. And Rawkus was where I first heard Talib Kweli (before he started suffering from The Whispering Rapper Disease aka Bahamadius Suckashitus), Company Flow (when they still had a black dude to temper El-P's over-the-top LOOK HOW DOWN I AM!ness), Punchline & Wordsworth, Saul Williams (who was fucking amazing to me before Def Poetry Jammers became such a ridiculous stereotype), probably more. Shit, the first time I heard Eminem was on the B-side to an L-Fudge single on Rawkus, and he was ridiculously awesome at that point, still fresh and not yet a caricature of his own rhymes.
And this album was great, at that time, because it had a couple of high profile appearances, but it was mostly just underground shit, without the crutch of more famous compadres like the later Lyricist Lounges.
Nonetheless, like I said, when I played this the other weekend working on my truck, it fucking sucked. I plan on doing this every Presidential Election year (or every four years in the case of America hopefully dissolving into tribal bands of warlords and communes), and I doubt this will make it again. Those fond memories of having tons of discretionary income to waste on new vinyl, living in a shitty trailer, making mixtapes as DJ Spinebreaker (I traded one dreadlocked college kid a mixtape for a VHS copy of Master Killer, which I still have), just kicking it with my boy Rob the Black Clever Star... man, thsoe were fun ass days. It's too bad this album is so dated sounded and unfun that it doesn't generate a feel good memory vibe in me. I think that's what's been missing with a lot of hip hop music since like the very early '90s, is that sentimental timeless classic vibe. Not too much shit is timeless anymore; it's all such commercial bullshit that's here today #1 with a bullet and in the budget bins with a notch in the corner of the CD case in three weeks.
I am listening to the Sirius satellite's Soultown station right now actually, because I DJed this past weekend at my mom and her friends' redneck hippie Fall Fling party, and I had only brought three crates of records, mostly redneck funk type shit, to get feet scooting across the grass, but I let people come up and ask for songs, and people was into old soul like crazy, which luckily I had a couple of Atlantic Records comps and three or four Soul Train compilations, so we got 'em moving. That's some timeless ass shit right there. I don't think anyone's ever gonna mistake MosDef for Clarence Carter or Talib Kweli for Wilson Pickett. Or Otis Redding. Man, I wish all those hopeless child soldiers in Africa were into Otis Redding t-shirts instead of Tupac t-shirts, then maybe they wouldn't be raping enemies and having bad days all the time because they had to use their AK all the time.

Friday Love/Hate

I love the way a pregnant woman's ass wobbles when she walks in front of me.

I hate the usage of "Wall Street" and "Main Street" in talking about how fucked we all are in this Good Depression (not quite Great yet). Honestly, I've only heard it on media bullshits, but if I hear somebody use it in the real lifes, then I'll know right away they are a dumbass.

NFL WK 7: North division teams

#1: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (4-1, 1st overall)
It appears that at least for this year, free agency-based league parity has set in, and we are in for some January Madness. And yes, according to my completely faulty mathematical calibrations, the Steelers are the best team in the NFL, at least for this week. Their offensive line has looked susceptible though, and poor big ole Ben Roethlisberger has taken a beating - not as bad as helmetless brain skids along Pennsylvania country roads - but nonetheless, the average dude's body is not inclined to stand up straight-right after getting pretzeled into nice grass every Sunday afternoon. And the funny thing is they've got Byron Leftwich backing him up. Remember when that guy was gonna be the greatest thing ever? Man, that one didn't pan out too well. Willie Parker returns to ignorantly yet stylishly start mad dashing for crazy yards again this week, and if they can keep their shit together, they might be able to make a run at home-field advantage in the piecemeal AFC. Of course, shit seems to go awry weekly when you pretend to prognosticate this type of pro football bullshit this year.

#2: CHICAGO BEARS (3-3, 11th overall)
And yeah, the Bears are ranked second. Really, with the NFC East and NFC South being such thickly contested divisions, the NFC North, traditionally referred to by talking head faggots as the Black-n-Blue division, is like a quagmire of mediocrity. Someone might rip off like a three-game winning streak and end up dominating the pack in doing so. Seriously, I would be surprised if the eventual winner has a winning record, as none of the teams are really consistent. One thing's for sure though, Kyle Orton is about a thousand times better than Rex Grossman was. It's a shame that Lovie Smith has decided to fill-in as resident retard when it comes to making stupid snap decisions, and fucking up another year of the Bears allegedly great defense, which I think is actually on the downcline this year and probably last too. And good god, fuck a Brian Urlacher. That stupid faggot should just go ahead and play for the Patriots or Cowboys so he can be surrounded by the appropriate level of gay assed pretentiousness deserving of such a overrated jarhead douchebag.

#3: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-3, 17th overall)
Remember when the Vikings season was over? Shit, fans thought it was over last week when it was 2-0 at halftime. When Gus Frerotte can salvage your team's season, in 2008, that's a pretty good sign that there's too much NFL. Maybe the league will downsize during this new depression to like half the teams, or better yet just make 16 A-league teams, drop half the league to a B-league, and create another 12 teams, and the B-league teams only play regional schedules and can't make the playoffs but can move up or down over the course of years depending on their performance. Then maybe the NFL network can have more actual games to put on their channel, which I don't get anyways. But I like Rich Eisen. He seems like a fun guy to have a beer with; I'd totally vote for him. Unless he was running against Bob Odenkirk. In that case, fuck a Rich Eisen. Isn't Eisen married to that slut-eyed Suzy Kolber chick too? I don't know why I ask all these questions to nobody when I should just google it up, but I'd rather not now to be honest. It's fun not knowing things, especially in this day and age when every mother fucker thinks they're an expert about anything because they read about it for 45 minutes inside the internets one night.

#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-3, 18th overall)
Derek Anderson staved off the ushering in of the Brady Quinn era for at least two more weeks with his sudden Madden-like performance against the Giants this past Monday. Braylon Edwards remembered how to catch the ball and Jamal Lewis ran like he hadn't even been to jail yet, and everything was right for the Browns in their throwback uniforms. I found that odd, as basically it's always looked like they've had the same uniforms for a hundred and nineteen years. It must be hard to figure out ways to drum up that extra alternate jersey revenue when you have a boring ass history like the Browns, that you have know-it-all fuckers be like, "Man, they were the pre-eminent franchise back in the '50s." I have found in my short circles upon the surface of this earth ball though, that I enjoy the company of Browns fans. They seem like good people on average, unless you get them riled up upon the Steelers. But even then, it seems like Steelers fans like to shit on Browns fans more than Browns fans really care. They just want to get drunk and win a fucking football game. Who can't get behind that?

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-3, 21st overall)
Aaron Rodgers has been floating some of the prettiest ass long ball tosses the past couple of weeks in highlight reel material. I haven't seen the whole games, so I can't speak on his overall competence this far into his first year as the starting young gunslinger for the Packers, but he certainly has had some nice Sportscenter moments. Brett Favre has gotten buckwild too once or twice, but he's still throwing interceptions as often as ever. So maybe T-dubble and M-dubble were right in running off ol' Wrangler britches. Really, who the fuck cares though? Their defense, which is supposed to be their Samson's hair, is all matted and fucked-up right now. But remember, this is the NFC North, where not much is gonna be just enough.

#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-3, 24th overall)
Not too much time between being one of the last shockingly undefeated teams left in the NFL, at 2-0, to being yep, that piece of shit Ravens team we expected. Joe Flacco, after looking like he might be a sudden gem at first, is starting to look more like a shitty Division I-AA rookie QB. The defense is still good, but older. I mean, Ray Lewis can still piledrive and cripple motherfuckers (that second string RB dude for the Steelers got fucking CRUSHED by Lewis), but he's one funky pre-game ritual away from having a career-ending torn groin. I'd like to see Ray Lewis become a head coach though. Maybe they should just make him defensive coordinator right after he retires, and he could keep doing his pre-game funky strut for years to come. Ever since he no-snitched (or did he? I can't remember) on that Atlanta stabbing a few years back, he's really settled into Mr. Serious Football Dude Who Doesn't Show Up In Uncle Luke Porns pretty well. Nice adjustment, Mr. Lewis. You should pull that ankle-length white fur back out with the matching hat for when you get inducted in Canton.

#7: DETROIT LIONS (0-5, 30th overall)
Nice move after dumping Matt Millen for the Lions to somehow con the Cowboys out of half of next year's draft. What is it about overhyped Texas kids in the NFL being the basis of ridiculous trades? There was Ricky Williams, who I've always meant to spend an hour googling up the bullshit to see who exactly was drafted with all the picks traded for him in both New Orleans and Miami. Now Roy Williams goes to the Cowboys for a 1st, a 3rd, and a 6th. What a chump move on Jerry Jones end, and also bound to escalate T.O.'s craziness. But I am not hear to gloat over the impending doom of the Cowboys, but to talk upon the shitty Detroit Lions. Man, having your QB take a snap and just run out the back of the end zone like it's no thing, that might have been the funniest and stupidest thing I've ever seen in a pro football game. It is highlights like that that make me think they could possibly do the opposite of last year's Patriots and have a perfectly miserable 0-16 season. But just in that one single trade this week before the deadline, whoever the fuck their new general manager is has outdone everything Matt Millen ever did. He should just trade all their good players and have like 40 draft picks next year and go buckwild, fielding an all-rookie team.

#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-6, 32nd overall)
I kinda hope that Carson Palmer is done for the year so that Bubby Brister Jr. (aka Ryan Fitzpatrick aka Born Loser) can finish out the season, and the Bengals can be completely shitty. On one hand, I feel bad because T.J. Houshmandeeznuts is on my fantasy team, and he only plays good on weeks where I have given up on him and bench him. He is in a contract year, so a shitty season like he's bound to have with a retard Irishman QBing the rest of this sinking ship of Marvin Lewis's head coaching career is not gonna help him get paid. But then again, maybe Vinny Cerratto will throw like a billion dollars and seventeen draft picks at the Bengals to get him on the Redskins roster, although with their high-profile acquisitions of Jason Taylor and Shaun Alexander, I don't think Houshmandezlaa is gay enough to become a Redskin.

Homemade Song of the Week: "Va. Lucha Libre" by S.E.P.

I don't really like calling it Solaris Earth Pipeline anymore because that's a gay-assed name. Then again, being a 35-year-old white guy writing rhymes and having another white guy record it in his extra bedroom of his suburban home on fancy computer bullshit, then mix it all up and throw it into the robot world is pretty stupid too. I should really just be wandering railroad tracks, freestyling with the frogs, and carving rhymes into railroad tyes. But I don't, because I am tethered by brain sculpting.
This is one of the better songs off the last S.E.P. CD called 45s on 33. The song is your average indie rap style "Hey, let me take something I'm a nerd about and just run through a whole song using ridiculous minutaie from that thing I'm a nerd about." The theme is wrestling, and I attempt to explain a bunch of dumb shit that's not true. The greatest thing about this song is how this internet dude xTheSpoilerx who is awesome, sent me a mix CD one time of a bunch of Antiseen songs with weird wrestling promos in between of old Mid Atlantic wrestling. We took one of the Blackjack Mulligan promos, put it inside those new-fangled Scratch programs, and Boogie Brown cut the shit up. This final song is actually about two or three minutes shorter than what we originally did, which had like the longest scratch outro ever known to white boys in a suburban home's extra bedroom, making music with their wealth.
Oh yeah, the song, called "Va. Lucha Libre", which I am yet to be ashamed of yet, which is not very common for me. I am full of self-loathing and usually hate anything I do after like thirty minutes.

S14: Best College Football Teams

I did the worst college football teams a couple weeks back, and I had originally intended to alternate weeks between worst and best, but you know how it is man, time can be a motherfucker. But I got around to doing the top fourteen teams this week, based on amount of losses, then average margin of victory, from all four NCAA levels of football, plus the NAIA (which I think is some sort of satellite structure in New Mexico). So here are your top 14 college football teams thus far this year, without a doubt, better than BCS when it comes to my science...

#1: St. Francis College Cougars (6-0, 41.500 average margin of victory) - An NAIA powerhouse, and one of the most consistently super destructive small college teams in America, the Cougars, fighting out of Ft. Wayne, Indiana, having gone unbeaten the past five regular seasons. They won 102 games in their football program's first decade, which is only in it's 11th year. Mostly, they take the leftovers of prominent Indianapolis area high school players once Division I schools get done offering scholarships, and run roughshod through their conference. They have never won an NAIA title though, losing the title game three of the past four years.

#2: Abilene Christian University Wildcats ( 6-0, 40.833 avg. victory) - Your biggest college football game of the weekend? It is in the NCAA's Division II, where 3rd ranked Abilene Christian travels to Canyon, Texas, to take on the 4th ranked West Texas A&M Buffaloes, both members of the Lone Star Conference's Southern Division. A&M's won two out of the past three meetings, including two years ago in the Division II playoffs. The Wildcats are a scoring juggernaut though, having scored seven TDs on defense alone the past five games. If I had a stupid satellite TV still, I'd probably try to find this game, only to be stuck with like 23 stupid I-AA games from the northeast instead.

#3: University of Sioux Falls Cougars (6-0, 39.500 avg. victory) - The Cougars are ranked second in the NAIA right now, and are a perennial power there. I'm not sure really why NAIA schools are in the NAIA instead of like NCAA Division III. I know the NAIA basketball tournament used to be some sort of grand old thing in Kansas City years ago, where old black men would sit around and talk about triple lindys or double clutch reverses or whatever. I guess I've always assumed it was some sort of God thing, since that's usually why private schools are private instead of public, to get all Godly on motherfuckers. But I'm not sure if that's how it works in the NAIA. It might just be a bunch of NCAA contrarians.

#4: Mount Union College Purple Raiders (5-0, 38.400 avg. victory) - I can tell you right now that most likely by the end of the year, Mount Union will be on top of this list. There has never been a college juggernaut like them. They went for five or six years in NCAA Division III without losing a game, most of them not even close. Well shit, just last week, the #4 ranked team in Div. III came to town, and was smoked 21-0 in the first quarter. Final score was 49 to 7. They just don't fuck around. I think they've actually even got a couple of players in the NFL on practice squads, which, for a Division III school, is amazing. It's odd too, because it's not like Div. III just takes delinquents that usually can't meet eligibility parameters for higher levels; it's mostly just white dudes with no scholarships whatsoever. But them white boys can play some football.

#5: Morningside College Mustangs (5-0, 38.400 avg. victory) - Morningside is 5th ranked in the NAIA, and in the same conference as Sioux Falls, so those two will face-off, hopefully both unbeaten, the second week of November. Sioux Falls, South Dakota's small ass college football team versus Sioux City, Iowa's small ass college football team... I bet there will be hella frat parties with drunk sluts that weekend.

#6: University of Minnesota at Duluth Bulldogs (7-0, 35.429 avg. victory) - 9th ranked team in NCAA's Division II, but more famous for their hockey team, which is one of the NCAA's best. Having growed up in Virginia, it's really odd to even imagine a college hockey team, much less them having actual players who came to that college specifically to play hockey. My buddy Loftin used to play on the Virginia Commonwealth University inter-mural team (or whatever the fuck it was) and they had PBR jerseys and basically just gave themselves an excuse to fight with kids from UVA on top of frozen water a couple of times a year.

#7: North Alabama Lions (7-0, 35.143 avg. victory) - NCAA Division II's #2 ranked team, and another perennial small college powerhouse. They always seem to be in the later rounds of Div. II playoffs. They are actually playing Delta State tonight on some satellite channels in ultra-special Thursday night football action. It is sure to be a thousand times more exciting than preseason NBA, and ten thousand times more exciting than a baseball game. Seriously, who the fuck can sit through a whole baseball game? The cliche is it's like watching paint dry, but I am a housepainter and can honestly say that I would find more joy in sitting there, noticing the subtle shade changes as wet liquid polymers started to harden upon drying, than actually trying to watch 9 innings of a baseball game. And extra innings? Holy fuck. I just hope it goes until the morning and I can catch an at-bat or two while I get ready for work.

#8: Grand Valley State University Lakers (6-0, 34.667 avg. victory) - The Lakers are the top-ranked team in Division II, and pretty much just fuck everybody up. They are, check the theme here, a constant top-tier team in Division II, and oddly enough, they are located in Michigan. I guess it being football and with a name like Grand Valley State, I would've assumed they were from Georgia or somewhere or another in the south. But no, they are Minnetonkans.

#9: Pennsylvania State University Nittany Lions (7-0, 34.286 avg. victory) - Affectionately known as Penn State, they are led by their 112-year-old coach Joe Paterno, who is half-blind, and also half-crippled from trying to teach kids 80 years younger than him how to do an effective onsides kick.There are murmurs that, even though he wants to keep on coaching, Penn State might not renew Joe Pa's contract at the end of the year, just because, fuck his old ass. It seems a shame. When a guy can stay relevant to gangsta thug 2008 football blue-chippers and still wear some old school ass Hank Schram eyeglasses like he's about to drive a truck to go shoot Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider, you should just prop him up in the booth upstairs and let him coach until he's clinically dead.

#10: Monmouth, Illinois, Fighting Scots (6-0, 33.167 avg. victory) - I am feeling lazy, and all the stupid Monmouth searches I did came up with some punk ass college in New Jersey, probably because the internet is a form of entertainment, thus controlled secretly by Jews. They did crush a team 69 to 0 two weeks ago though.

#11: Millsaps College Majors (6-0, 33.167 avg. victory) - Another Division III ass-kicker, and this one confused me too with their name. I would've pegged Millsaps as some nice ass liberal arts private school in the eastern midwest, like Pennsylvania or Ohio. But no, it's in fucking Jackson, Mississippi. I have always worked under the impression Division III college football (as well as any sport really) means white boys galore. It's kinda funny to think of a bunch of white guy playing football at a small college in Jackson, Mississippi, and considering themselves good. I wonder if they could even beat like the local multi-cultural (that means everything plus white boys) high school all-stars?

#12: Wabash College Bears (5-0, 32.800 avg. victory) - Wabash is having a good season, but playoffs and all that mean nothing compared to their end-of-the-regular-season game against DePauw University, one of the oldest in college football. They've played 114 times before this year, with Wabash winning one more than DePauw in the history of this game. The winner of the annual showdown on November 15th becomes the proud owner of the Monon Bell - a locomotive bell. It's the oldest rivalry west of the Alleghanies, and before college football instituted overtime, in the event of ties, the previous winner retained the bell. In 1992, when Wabash settled for a game-tying field goal at the end of the game rather than push for a winning touchdown, so that they could hold onto the bell for another year. Shit like that is funny, and why small-time college football is so great. Also, the rural Indiana frat parties with mad drunken sluts attached to it.

#13: University of Texas Longhorns (6-0, 31.500 avg. victory) - You might know of these guys. They beat Oklahoma in a really exciting game last week, and are the new #1 in college football. You are #6. Texas is also notable for their QB being TV's The Fall Guy. Also, a guy named Major Applewhite was their QB, but only like ten years ago, not the one hundred and fifty years ago you would've assumed from his name.

#14: Otterbein Cardinals (5-0, 31.200 avg. victory) - Otterbein, having a great season, is an afterthought in their own Ohio Athletic Conference in Division III. Why, you ask? Because the aforementioned Mount Union dominators are in the same conference. If Otterbein can win their next three games though, they'll get to host Mount Union on November 8th in Westerville, Ohio, and try to unsettle the Kings of Small College Footballs.

(frybread) Keep It Simple, Asshole

I am a lot like America right now - in a dark spot, completely self-created, with easy to identify solutions that don't seem too much fun to have to deal with. I have used too much credit, and not worked as much as I should. It's got me in a tight spot, but not nearly as tight as a lot of people, much like America, where our kids don't make toys from scrap lead at the landfill. They still ship our donated clothes by the ton to foreign countries much more fucked than us. I should probably simplify my lifestyle, as opposed to feeling entitled to the bullshit routine I sometimes am in, and expecting someone else (i.e. credit, or home refinancing creating false wealth by cashing out home equity that only existed as imaginary paper wealth anyways) to infuse me with supposed sustenance for my indulgences.
Really, the last couple months - actually the past year - has been shitty financially for me. Not as shitty as a lot of people, but shittier than I would've wanted myself to be at this point in my life. If not for a loving family and three beautiful daughters who get me geeked to pull myself out of the bed, I would've swallowed a hollow point by now. Then again, without the family, I'd probably be a derelict hobo drunkard poet most of my life, living in the obscurity of the deep underclass, far deeper than alleged underground pop cultural movements.
I can accept what I need to do. Wake up, do a little Jimmy Valiant in the mirror, roll out and work a long fucking day. I tend to feel cleansed by hard labor - that is the work ethic brainwashing a lot of southern fucks like myself get distilled with. It is why we do not believe in organized labor, because you work to earn money. Paid holidays and paid breaks and shit like that seems perverse to us because you earn money for working, not sitting around fucking off. It may seem simple, but is how my mind works. And being self-employed, with a decent amount of work still lined up in this declining economy, all I have to do is pull a few 50 hour weeks and my financial situation will improve just fine. My problem is motivation, not opportunity. This is like America as well, or at least how it was, because plenty of people have plenty of jobs where they don't do shit but fuck off most of the day. If you are sitting at work reading this, you are a good example. Why the fuck would you be reading this while someone is paying you to work?
But simplifying my life would be the best bet, much like America. I am involved in far too many things, many of them commercial (meaning they cost money not only to take part in, but to sustain, as whatever form of shit you waste time with, technology constantly make obsolete what you just invested into), that don't really feed me personally. I "own" (in the sense I owe the bank) five acres, and a two-story house. That's a hellafied amount of land to put to use with animals and plants and creative endeavors.
That's the darkest part for me lately. I have plenty of ideas, like always, but little execution. I think there's some connection for me subsconsciously where if I'm not working as hard as I should be in laborous ways attached to earning money, I don't feel I deserve the self-indulgent time to be creative. Or maybe I need the physical exhaustion of my body to force my mind to be like, "Yo, let's get our's too, bitch."
The point is, fixing my darkness is easy... work harder, allow my creativity to come out more thoroughly, and simplify things. Same thing for America. Except it doesn't do shit like that. It wants to continue thinking everybody can get rich always, as if capitalism is a continuous creation of new imaginary wealth, as opposed to the circulation of a finite amount of tangible wealth. There are those who have lived off of refinancing or getting new credit cards for almost a decade now, and they are being forced to face the place they set for themselves - no longer being to roll it all over, but also having to actually pay the things they've ran up. I'm not sure how sorry I feel for some people who find themselves in houses worth less than they owe, especially knowing how people started to treat houses like cars that you traded up for a new one every few years, or worse yet, people who were "flipping" houses for pure profit for basically doing nothing more than having enough imaginary paper wealth to allow to do such a thing.
That is my biggest problem with all this shit - that people make fake wealth by skimming off of other's transactions, and that's supposed to be a perfectly acceptable thing to do. The bundling of fucked-up mortgages as investments, even oil futures investments, banks skimming transactions fees, five bucks to cash a check when you don't have an account, all that bullshit. Making money for doing nothing. And no one is going to start seeing that as wrong. Hell, that's more the American Dream now than working hard and making a nice spot for yourself. Working hardly and getting paid, that's the shit right there. And that's not gonna change, no matter who the fuck you vote for. In fact, most of these people who have invested all this saviour energy into Obama are not all that different from neo-con Bushies when you sit on the outside looking in. Both groups feel like they know what's best for everyone, both want to force their beliefs on the majority at large, and neither of them really respects anybody who disagrees.
I am highly disillusioned lately, but again, that's because I've been paying attention to much. Pulling inward, working more, creating more, looking to others less, it will make it all a whole lot better. Any of you putting a lot of value in what someone else is going to do for you, I'd advise you to temper that with simplicity or you're just gonna get fucked, over and over. It has been a bad relationship thus far, with two men, and I know one of them is promising you he's changing this time, but you are going to have to move back in with him in order to see if he actually has changed. And I know the first guy has beat you up pretty badly the past few years, but going back and forth between a couple of assholes always promising to behave differently has helped make us all fucked in the first place. But props to you for still believing in fairy tales.

(frybread) American Auto Parts

My truck failed Virginia state inspection for legality, because I needed a new center link (which explain the looseness of steering, but it's really not that bad). So being the type of guy who unexplainedly feels impotent if he can't fix his own vehicle, I decided to get the part and figure it out (with the help of my trusty Haynes Manual). I go to the four-lane miracle mile auto parts places, meaning Advance Auto and Autozone, and neither of them has the part, but Advance could order it and have it the next day. I am reluctant because their alternators suck (if you buy one from them for replacing on your vehicle, don't tighten the bolts too tight, because you're gonna have to do it again in four months). Advance Auto is white and bright and usually has like four young white guys working there, one middle-aged black guy (who is the cool one, but usually outside in the parking lot with the battery/alternator testing cart, talking to someone from high school), and one fat creepy redneck woman. You really want to catch one of the white guys (again, ideally the black guy, but he's never inside) to try and find your part. Autozone I completely don't trust because it has too many spinner wheel covers and Mexicans with frosted hair to ever feel comfortable inside of.
So I was about to give up when I accidentally drove by a Federated Auto Parts place in the older part of town. I figured, fuck it, and stopped in. There was very little actual shelf space for customers peruse, basically just one long ass wooden counter, painted with grey oil paint and covered with promotional bullshit from ten years ago, and a small army of older dudes waiting to see what I needed. Most of the shit you could buy was behind them in long thin library-like aisles, and you could tell from looking at these geezers interact, some had worked here for going on 15, 20 years. It was really beautiful, the way America used to be, where you got a job, and so long as you didn't fuck up, they didn't fuck you up. You might not have dental insurance, but you got Labor Day paid, and the carpet down the aisles behind the counter was well worn by brown shoes. The guy who happened to help me had facial hair exactly like my dad, just my dad died at 47 and this guy was easily pushing 55, so it was like my dad got old and we didn't know each other and he had to look up a center link for a Nissan truck on a computer he wasn't completely comfortable punching buttons on. (They still have like five feet of giant, crinkly-paged catalogs in the middle of the counter, where the parts are listed for real old school style, in case they have to get all old school on you. That's beautiful too, because if the power system failed, those other places would be lost with no computers to process every fucking thing they do. At least I know if our electrical grid completely blows up one weekend, I can still get some new brakes or spark plugs for my car to help pass the powerless time.) They also didn't have my part, but they could get it too. Unlike the Advance Auto androids, who were like, "Please transmit your creditory information to us and we can process this automobile part into our coordinates by 1400 hours one daily cycle into the future thank you customer #281093760," the Federated dude was like, "I don't know if it'll be here tomorrow. Hold on." And he called over a taller, older dude who was like, "Well damn man. Usually if we order it by 4, we have it tomorrow morning." It was 4:20 brah. "We should be able to get it here though, it ain't comin' from but Staunton." I told them to go ahead and order it, so I paid with my stupid credit card since I'm broke of any real monies right now. The older, taller guy said, "Call up here tomorrow and make shore it came in before you come up here." "How late are you open?" "Not but till 2, and make sure you get here 'cuz we are outta here at two." Then he turned to my fake old dad and said, "Make shore you put on there for Dave that he's gonna call in the morning to see if it came in." I was stoked, whether the part came or not, I felt good about supporting America, about doing my part, whatever little part that was. Fixing my own car and keeping this crazy old fuckers in business.
Next day, the part was there, so after coaching U-6 soccer, I rolled to town to get the part. Came home, wrong part completely, for a 4x4 and I have a 2WD, which I told my old fake dad. Oh well. While I was under there, I realized it was the idler arm and not the center link, and the only place I could get a center link anyways was from the dealer, which was like $400. So I returned the wrong center link, and being they was old school, the older tattooed guy who took my return gave me cash instead of returning the money to my credit card, which I had told my wife they would probably do, since it wasn't a shiny, sterile ass place. They deal in cash first, even on returns. So I had $110 all of a sudden, even though I had been broke. And that is how I had money for a six-pack on my ride home today, in my wife's car, because I had yet to change the idler arm on my truck, and it's been sitting on jack stands half the week. At least I have jack stands now. When it was just my Volvo, I used solid cinderblocks (for foundations), which always looked good passing by on the road. That Volvo has been sitting there under the oak tree with two flat tires for like 20 months now. I should just put it up on cinderblocks again and throw the tires in the back of the truck until I have actualy money again to get new ones put on the rims. Then I can have two cars, all to myself. We Americans sometimes don't realize how fucking good we got it.

NFL WK 6: West division teams

#1: DENVER BRONCOS (4-1, 10th overall)
You know, with the Patriots and Colts on the downswing, the AFC's alleged dominance has just straight up dissipated. The Broncos could end up with the best record in the AFC, and they are a fucking sham of a team. I mean, sure Jay Cutler is getting the sports media Next Big Thing hype out the ass, but unless they switch to arena league rules, the Broncs are gonna have to find some defense somewhere along the way too. The worst thing about this is it keeps stupid Mike Shanahan employed even longer. His vapid look stalking the sidelines, looking at laminated schematics of ways to molest little girls, but written in fake football coach algebra equations to seem like he's an uber-genius dialed in to sports settings.

#2: ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-2, 16th overall)
Even though the west divisions are full of shitty teams, I will not go that reactionary route and be like OMG! They should change everything so the straight up best 12 teams go to the playoffs! It's not fair! Who gives a fuck? Once the season is over and the Cardinals have eeked out a nice 8-8 division title, finally unseating the Seattle Seahoohas, we can have one week's worth of touching Kurt Warner - Jesus Dude who is so Sincere he contemplated retirement when that black dude who catches all the balls almost got obliterated against the Jets. But he didn't! You know why? Kurt Warner is football, bros. He lives and breaths it and thanks God for it every day of his blessed life. That's gonna be the stories for one week till they get crushed at home by a wild card team that's like 2 games better in the win column.

#3: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-3, 18th overall)
Oh man, the cancerous disease of football fortune named Norv Turner has wreaked his own special brand of franchise destruction in record time on the Chargers. Remember how this was one of the league's premier teams at the end of last year? L.T. is like a second thought now, and Philip Rivers is getting rated the most overrated QB in the league by other players in Sports Illustrated. And Ol' Freddy Kruger Jr. just stands over there, all nonchalant like nothing's going on. I'm sure at the end of the year, he'll blame Ed Hochuli for turning their season sour with that one call, and it was hard to recover from there. And he'll keep his job again. The fact Norv Turner has gotten and kept so many head coaching gigs in the NFL for so long makes me believe that that Mr. Show sketch about blowjobs and law offices must be for-real and apply to the NFL.

#4: OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-3, 25th overall)
Apparently Lane Kiffin gives really shitty blowjobs. I am hitched to a couple of Raiders players, fantastical football-wise, so I'd like them to remain competitive under whatever random Bill White Guy Positions Coach is filling in until crazy man Al Davis finds someone stupid enough yet high profile enough to satisfy his appetite for false hopes of impending excellence. I like how Warren Sapp outed Davis for making phone calls to the sidelines during games to call for the bomb. I always thought Warren Sapp's unsavory reputation was wrong, from the moment false weedhead reports dropped him in the NFL draft. He's obviously upset some very powerful football illuminati types, which is probably reason why he was cast from the Bill Walsh West Coast offense coaching tree in Tampa Bay, as Bill Walsh is the Johann Weishaupt of football.

#5: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-3, 26th overall)
I have no real reason to not like the Seahawks, as they have absolutely nothing to do with the Redskins. But for some reason, they are one of the teams I hate more than any other. I think it's because they moved from the AFC to the NFC. Coming up watching football in the '80s, NFC dominated, and that's where my team was, so I'm down with the NFC. So some team jumping ship to a different conference, I don't know, seems kinda wack to me. I think for the same reasons, I like the Jaguars, because I like to imagine they were actually an NFC team wrongly put into the AFC because of the pussy assed Seahawks. I am sad for Shaun Alexander. Like, nobody will sign him. The Bengals signed shitty Cedric Benson, but no one will sign light-loafered Shaun Alexander. When I was doing these things last year, I got a bunch of hits to the blog when people were searching things like "Why is Shaun Alexander such a pussy?" One of the greatest things about doing a faggy blog is seeing the retarded shit people look up and end up at your site. Kinda makes me proud that somebody would look up inside a google search for answers to why Shaun Alexander was such a pussy and they ended up reading me. Not that I can answer that question. Is it environment, or are people born that way? Nature or nurture has always been the two facets of that argument, but years ago I read a bunch of psychological profiles on siamese twins, who genetically, are pretty much a split of the same fucking thing. As for environmental conditions, siamese twins can't have that much difference in their upbringing, what with being joined at the hip, literally (most of the time... I guess there are those weird siamese twins attached at the top of the head, which is really disturbing to me, probably because I've always wanted to have a menage a trois with siamese twins). And most pairs of siamese twins, in these psychological profiles, were very different, with identical nature and near-identical nurture. So I don't know why Shaun Alexander was such a pussy, just in case someone's still trying to figure that out through the internets.

#6: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-4, 27th overall)
I do not trust these St. Louis Rams coming into Washington as 14 point underdogs this weekend. It seems a set-up, to cause trauma and heartache to what has been a feel-good season for me thus far. I know one thing about them - Chris Long, their rookie defensive end, is fucking awesome. He was a viking destroyer at UVA, and actually won games for them single-handedly, as a defensive end, which is really fucking hard to do. Chris Long will end up being way better than his father was, but I would imagine he may do it in relative obscurity if his career is maintained mostly in the Gateway City. Offense is their strong suit right now, which is an aging offense with a weak offensive line. I guess they've got some decent dudes on defense now too, but it always seems that great Rams defenders of the past fifteen years or so end up going somewhere else as a free agent to really make their mark. Except for Leonard Little. I think it'd be too much trouble for him to get his restricted driver's license to allow for him to drive to a different stadium or something.

#7: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-4, 28th overall)
Man, I miss Herm Edwards. He's a wacky fucker, always thinking out loud and making for the funnies with the press. It's nice to see the NFL have a head coach of German heritage too. Herm's philosophy this past year was like he was playing Madden '03 and all his best players were 34 years old - he traded everything away and had like 18 draft picks. Props to Larry Johnson too for being probably the best Penn State RB in recent memory (which means he's only partially underachieved as a pro, as opposed to most Nittany Leons, who usually fucking suck rather quickly).

#8: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-3, 29th overall)
Yeah, my mathematical routine has the 49ers lower than everybody else, even though they've won 2 games. They lose home games against mediocre teams, and one of their wins was against the flailing ass Seahawks. I know everybody got all geeked up there for a minute about J.T. O'Sullivan and Mike Martz utilizing Frank Gore like no one has ever had the sense to utilize Frank Gore before, but it looks it's almost midnight and time to turn in the fancy ball gown for shitty franchise rags again. Then again, they are in the NFC West, where a three-game winning streak could you put ahead of everybody else for good.

(frybread) Man vs. Machine

At times lately, I've hated all this bullshit. I hate what I do for a half-living, hate how I can't seem to escape it though because I've piled up too many obligations on top of that mistake (just like watching young neglected mothers add new babies to a bad relationship) and work history typecasts you into bad roles. I can't even go to work somedays, sitting in my truck, wondering whether I should even continue on with this numbing charade. But then for what? So some people cry and miss me or some lame ass shit like that, that I wouldn't even see? Fucking weak.
Honestly, I should value myself more than thinking stupid thangs like that, but I also should value myself more than to pile self-esteem unto myself by buying flashy bullshit, which to be fair is usually secondhand and not that expensive by regular people standards. I need to fucking simplify. I need more chickens and less full tanks of gas. I need less fucking electricity usage and should probably read a lot more, and not just more robot filter internet mindwashes (ha - like this).
Yeah yeah yeah, I should probably do a lot of things, but probably I'm just gonna fall asleep on the couch, then get up and go back to work, watching paint-stripping chemicals splash red burn marks on my forearms. Rinse, spin, repeat. Rinse, spin, repeat. No wonder I fucking contemplate unplugging the machine that I've ended up being sometimes.

100 VINYLZ: #87 - Trans-Europe Express LP by Kraftwerk

(1977, EMI Records)
The older guy I worked with when I was like 16 (he was like ten years older, not creepy child perv older) who convinced me doing acid would be a good thing was a strong influence on me back then. I used to go to his house and we'd smoke weed while his wife would be kinda weirded out by it, and we'd all watch Reverend Gene Scott on the satellite (back when they were big giant slow-turning dishes). He ended up giving me a couple hundred records, just to get rid of them. This was one of them. At the time, I had no idea of it's strong influence on early rap music, specifically Afrika Bambaataa. I was a young kid who liked drugs and making mixtapes, so throwing "Hall of Mirrors" in the mix with all it's strange German blip-blooping and echoey vocals was trippy, brah.
Years later, knowing the history of hip hop music, or even electronic music in general, and what a crazy pioneering force those weird straight-laced looking four white dudes on the cover of this Kraftwerk joint were, I hold the album dear. But I hardly ever listen to it. You could strap a couple of early '90s pagers to your ears with a bandana and call them with your cellphone on speaker mode to get the basic Kraftwerk sound. It's just weird German blips and bloops, and I don't trust German things. I have always held this belief that anything really popular in New York City and Berlin is something I want as far away from me as possible; that's the two-pronged spike of societal degeneracy for me. And I have no problem finding something creepy about Bronx-based Bambaataa being all about some fucked-up German-based Kraftwerk. But I can look beyond that. Mostly because the cover is funny, and I still like to cull samples from the album, and still throw "Hall of Mirrors" into mixes. "Even the greatest stars... discover themselves in the looking glass." Seriously, that's the greatest creepy-assed song ever, and the fact no one has made some tweaked-out post-apocalyptic movie with that in the soundtrack as the flick's nemesis is riding through the wasteland in his super destruction machine.

NFL WK 5: NFC South & East teams

#1: DALLAS COWBOYS (3-1, 1st overall)
My mathematical method of ranking teams doesn't jump to conclusions like most power rankings, which are reactive and drop teams because they lost. Because I still, well my stupid method at least, has the Cowboys as the best team overall in the league, even after losing a close one at home to the Redskins. And really, they got dominated in that game, punched in the fucking pussy ass face, but they still only lost by 2 points. Of course, T.O., being a repressed homosexual who never learned no better being raised by womenfolks his whole life, has already flipped out and demanded they involve him more, even though he got the ball a third of the plays in the game. But you could see he was gonna complain, sitting on the sidelines towards the end of the game, rolling his eyes like a sixth grade class clown after being reprimanded. It makes Jerry Jones having Wade Phillips as his lame duck Ralph Wiggum-looking coach even stupider, standing over there on the sidelines looking impotent, thinking, "Man, I hope the coordinators do something to turn this around," and waiting to see what happened like he was simming a game of Madden. They're gonna be lucky to squeeze the rest of this year out of T.O. now, much less another season. And it could strike midnight again on the Tony Romo Cinderfella story again at any time, if not according to usual schedule during the playoffs in January.
Nonetheless, they're still the best in this league of parity. I was surprised at how weak their defense looked against the Redskins, because that d-line is scary. The secondary is suspect as fuck though. We knew Roy Williams was toast, but Terence Newman looked like he might be fighting for a nickelback situational role as well. But they got Cincinnati coming to town this week, which will cure anybody's ills. Ask the Browns.

#2: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-1, 2nd overall)
I was way concerned after that first game against the Giants, thinking my beloved Washington Redskins were doomed, being led by a deer-in-the-headlights, anime-haircut new head coach. But after this past weekend's display of smashmouth burgundy-and-gold awesomeness, I am on board the Zen of Jim Zorn bandwagon. He will end up being the Phil Jackson of the NFL, and I truly believe in his naive comments sometimes (like comparing the Redskins/Cowboys rivalry to Raiders/Seahawks, or saying the Skins wore "maroon and black" in his initial press conference) are just an act. He preaches to the players to stay even-keeled, "stay medium" being the chosen catchphrase, and you could see that even after the game, where Santana Moss was all like, "Hey, we got to stay level and just go play our next game." There was no gloating, no mental champagne celebrations for beating the best team in football and your blood rival. This is why the Redskins will be the new Patriots.

#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-1, 3rd overall)
You know, I have to admit Jon Gruden must be some kind of coaching genius, because he is 3-1 with the born loser named Brian Griese as his starting quarterback. That's pretty amazing. What happened to Jeff Garcia though? He's already like 38 or something, and now he's just sitting in Chris Simms spot at the end of the bench, wasting his fleeting NFL career away? With as many QBs as Tampa Bay had traded for, I also wonder if Gruden doesn't have a gay QB fetish, and once he's tired of you, you are cast aside like just another slut, except you're under contract so you can't go fuck another coach. T.O. already speculated about Garcia, who does have quite the effeminate voice. You look at any picture of Chris Simms, and it's hard not to imagine him being pretty light in the cleats. And why was Jake Plummer so against going to play there? He knew what was up. I hope one day Jon Gruden can draft himself the perfect quarterback, a young, virile kid with boyish good looks that he can settle down with and build a future together.

#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-1, 5th overall)
Steve Smith got himself a touchdown and he gave the ball to Ken Lucas, whose nose he smashed up in a fit of violence during the preseason. When Smith was suspended by the team, they bonded together and came out barnstorming. The Panthers always seem to be at least competitive, and the NFC South is always a clusterfuck, so they could probably run away with this one this year if Jake Delhomey can keep his creole ass from getting crippled again, and the defense stays competent, John Fox will continue his neverending foray into professional football-coaching.

#5: NEW YORK GIANTS (3-0, 8th overall)
You know why Tom Coughlin suspended Plaxico Burress? Because he's black. Getting fined for being late to meetings and shit? Fined because he's black. That's why they ran off Jeremy Shockey, because he liked rap music and hanging out with his negro friends from the U. It's sad that a team that supposedly represents New York City - the vibrant fertile breeding ground of so many proud forms of black culture that eventually spread worldwide - would be such a racist institution, headed by hick ass Eli Manning. It's sad that the backwards, close-minded mentality of Jersey has infiltrated a once proud urban professional football team, that probably didn't hire black players at one point until someone else did and they realized they needed black people, no matter how they smelled, in order to remain competitive.

#6: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-2, 10th overall)
That long boring ass game against the Bears proved what every football talking head fuckface has always said, that without Brian Westbrook, they ain't got shit going on. But who the fuck cares about that nonsense. The other football dork talking point is how they are last in the toughest division in the NFL, and need to turn it around quick. Fuck that noise too. I mostly just like Brian Dawkins. Were I to run a camp that trained at-risk youths to grow up and destroy the infrastructure established by The Men, I would hire Brian Dawkins to come give motivational speeches. He seems not quite sane, and is the type of player that I would hope will coach if Jerry Glanville's video game-based football league ever comes to fruition. Also Deltha O'Neal. But not Ronnie Lott. I think he's overrated as a dastardly headhunter, just because he won all those stupid Super Bowls.

#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-2, 17th overall)
I read something recently that led me to believe that Kardashian is an Armenian name, which makes me even more disturbed by Kim Kardashian. I love big asses like a motherfucker, ogling them, even hiding in the woods to masturbate thinking about them sometimes. But her's is weirdly overshaped. Now I understand it better, being she may or may not be Armenian. I used to work with some Armenians, and they are a weak breed of human, very fickle and superficial and apt for overexaggeration. Plus lots of hair, but K-dubble probably shaves all that off. I do acknowledge the genocide of Armenians at some point I don't know about by some other people, I think the Turkmen was who done it, because if a culture wants to badger others into admitting a whole bunch of them were killed senselessly in the past, I am down. I want us all to get along and have pot lucks where I bring some good egg-based potato salad while they bring their weird ass Armenian food. Unless that's one of the Euro cultures I don't know shit about that like all those awesome sausages like whitefish sausage and chains of them like Tony Soprano wears around twirling the end of, because I want to get down with that type of culture, at least for like Saturday supper, which is what we folks call your dinner down here.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (2-2, 23rd overall)
Arthur Blank is a funny looking little old rich dude, like Mel Brooks somehow even homelier-looking brother. That's all I got this week because I'm tired, don't give a fuck, but wanted to force this out tonight, for my retarded self-imposed deadlines that mean nothing, so that I can get back to laying in the bed and having fantasy delusions of how the Redskins are gonna be 7-1 in a few weeks. That's bad energy to be sending into the cosmos, to jinx up my favorite team, but I don't really know no better.

100 VINYLZ: #88 - Highway to Hell LP by AC/DC

(1979, Atlantic Records)
This may come across as a corny ass pick, but sometimes the obvious shit is still the best. And I understand that every fucking white person in an English-speaking country, as well as half of Mexico and Native American reservations, owned a copy of the next album - Back in Black. But this one, the last with drunk ass Bon Scott singing, has always been my favorite. Good, solid alcohol-fueled, statutory raping music. But even beyond the obvious simple awesomeness of it, that brings impoverished drunken people of many cultures together in cheap bars, this is one of the great popular pseudo-satanic albums of all-time. Hell, serial killer Richard Ramirez pretty much based his whole Night Stalker gimmick on the album, specifically the last song "Night Prowler". And it's not that I want murderous mental cases sneaking around all over, but they have a certain intriguing value to them. Serial killers, much like feral children, provide a wonderful bounty of super-interesting newspaper and magazine articles.
But yeah, Bon Scott. That guy had the best whiskey-shredded shrieky blues rock voice ever, perfect for warbling out lyrics about sex and violence. Brian Johnson did a competent job of taking over, but Bon Scott was the fucking man. I can only hope there really is a Heaven, and it has a rundown end of town where most of the white underclass lives at, and Bon Scott has some sort of band with Cliff Burton and some other dudes. I was gonna name some famous dead fuckers for other instruments, but really all I care about is Bon Scott and Cliff Burton, and I'm sure they'd jibe better with like some no-name guitarist from rural Pennsylvania who died in a drunk driving accident and a Mexican kid drummer who went brain dead after too much freon.

(frybread) Wide Mouth Quart Jars

It is no wonder America is fucked and we have the retard parade we have, making their little power point debate presentation bullshits. We are fucked because we, on average, expect someone else to do shit for us. We expect someone else to come along and save us. We want change so badly and both of these rich fags are running around dropping "change this" and "change that" and all these suckers are investing emotional attachment to one or the other, but especially Barack Obama, thinking, "Well great, finally somebody's gonna make the change for me."
My wife bought 150 pounds of seconds apples for $10 at a local orchard the other day, plus a couple five gallon buckets of pears, and I think some other shit. So I needed to get a few things to get a canning operation together. Went to one grocery store. Nothing. Went to a Wal-Mart. Nothing. Nothing anywhere. One grocery store had an empty shelf where the shit would be, but that did me no fucking good. But you know what every Wal-Mart and every grocery store did have? Organic food aisles, usually with wood motif and green letters and earthy tones. No fucking quart-sized mason jars to can up some food though.
This comes home to me in Scottsville, where the local shithole grocery store that had trophies on display from meatcutting skills competitions in the early '80s, is getting emptied little by little, as they're not restocking a lot of things because of the Food Lion being built next door. Lots of locals are excited for the Food Lion, because of cleaner floors, one of the aforementioned froufrou organic aisles. But there won't be any canning supplies anywhere to be found. And all the old shit is gone from the local shithole store, and they won't be restocking because why would they? Maybe I should ask Joe, the owner/manager, to order me up some this week. He would do that. He knows us by face. His wife runs the diner downtown and they make some good ass hamburgers there. We used to get them to save their gallon-sized glass pickle jars for us.
Anyways, no canning bullshit yet, and 150 pounds of ginger gold apples in the kitchen. Hopefully the Dollar General will have the hook-up because they tend to have that type of stuff. But it's kind of telling that you can buy Annie's Organic Frozen Pizzas pretty much anywhere, but not a fucking mason jar. As much as we act like we be wanting change, but we don't want to do shit for ourselves. Let someone else do it. That's why I'm gonna vote for McCain/Palin, because Obama ain't gonna change shit. It's still dudes in suits talking about bullshit I don't care about. I'd rather see this motherfucker burn. That's some real change. Burn it all up and see what sprouts next. I figure McCain's an old ass fucker with skin cancer bubbling up underneath the Botox, and Sarah Palin, who ruined my Tina Fey fantasies by exposing what she's gonna look like in 15 years - kinda creepy and librarian-ish, is your average beauty pageant dumb bitch. Which would be great to have as President if McCain died. Bush has done a great job screwing things up, to a point closer to absolute breakdown than we've ever been in my life, and I'd really love to see Palin end up in office to hold the course. Too many people are caught up in their little bullshit anybody-but-Bush-finally back deck margarita get-togethers to embrace a real change. Because those fuckers are fat and comfortable just like political cartoon Wall Street caricatures, except those fuckers do yoga and eat sprouts and wild salmon to stay more visually fit. They're still fat and rich compared to the shit I've known most of my life. So fuck yall too. I'm voting for Sarah Palin, even though that rich stuck-up bitch probably wouldn't know how to can up some apples either.

100 VINYLZ: #89 - G N’ R Lies EP by Guns N’ Roses

(1988, Geffen Records)
Back in the days, I had a like third generation 90 minute cassette dub of the Some Kinda Orange live GNR that was much wanted, as Appetite for Destruction was like a prettier Motorhead record that slutty chicks didn't mind listening to while you fingered them. So I had the live shit already when this album came out. And to be honest, I got it on tape back then... actually got two copies for Christmas because I was asking for that shit from family. But I knew the live shit already, so it was nothing new.
The acoustic side though, mind crushing. Like, today everything's been lumped by history under the umbrella of "hair metal". But then, there was some of that shit that was kosher, and some that wasn't. Like, a self-respecting delinquent ass teenager of that day would never be caught pumping like Cinderella or Bon Jovi or even really Skid Row or most of that shit considered "hair metal" by VH1 expert talking heads. But GNR, at least through this album, was still in that acceptable realm. I guess the easiest criteria was if it was in RIP magazine or not, because they'd have shit like GNR right next to King Diamond right next to Megadeth (although I vaguely remember RIP getting all weird at some point too, so don't hold me to that side-of-my-head talking).
"Patience", of course, is the most famous hit from the acoustic side, still catching radio play to this day, as an example of Guns N' Roses smooth ass side, complementing the drug-addled beastliness of Appetite. But man, the real hit off this album (or EP or whatever the fuck) was "One In A Million", which, if I was one of those self-important faggots on VH1 talking about some stupid assed list show to fill programming up between Flavor of Love marathons, I'd say was the last real major label rock-n-roll song. I am old school in that rock-n-roll is about pussy and mind-altering substances for the most part, plus maybe powerful machines like guns or fast cars. Rock-n-roll is not meant to educate or empower or be open-minded and politically correct. It's about putting things in your body that make you wilder than normal and putting your thing into other wild bodies. And even though VH1 will have you believe Nirvana held a press conference on MTV and it was like a light switch changed everything, basically it was a smooth Jew music industry overlord move to capitalize on a new generation of naive young white dudes making music and cycle out the older guys who had ran their gimmick silly with shit like the aforementioned Cinderellas and Wingers and Warrants and robot-created rock music like that. "One In A Million" though, is some real shit. It's angry and fucked up, yet makes perfect sense. The world is not multi-ethnic non-denominational martini parties; it is shitty foreigners ripping you off on phone cards and crackheads hassling you too long to buy some stolen necklaces outside the Greyhound station. In fact, to over-analyze things, "One In A Million", by being so prejudiced, shows faith in something better existing - a better place without AIDS and crackheads and terrorism, albeit expressed rather Indiana whitebreadedly, whereas the later, allegedly superior in every way grunge music (another ridiculous umbrella term, before you think I'm an old codger out of touch with anything post-'91/pre-9/11, which I'm not saying I'm not either) was jaded and cynical and lacked a hope for a better place. They had given up.
I am sad that we live in a world so open-minded it is closed towards "One In A Million" being accepted as easily one of the best rock-n-roll anthems of the past twenty years. I still play it regularly, so much so that my copy of this on vinyl is all scratched up. I have kept an eye out for a new replacement copy, because I need one. "Move to the City" skips something awful, but you can really hear the dings and scratches from overplaying, or more properly over putting on turntable while drunk and stumbly, on the acoustic side. And I'll be playing "One In A Million" till the day I stop listening to the musics. You could give a million Kid Rocks a million record deals and put them in a nice studio for a million years, and they'd never come up with anything half as great.
(On a nerdy side note, I've always enjoyed the math behind being "one in a million", because with eight billion people on earth, by my last consultation with a used book store almanac, there's still like eight thousand people just like you.)

(frybread) Thank God It's Friday

I did my best to contribute to the end of America last weekend. We were riding home from Richmond and had to eat, even though we had no money, so we tapped that credit card that should've been scissored up already one more time, getting stuck on the edge of town towards home in chain restaurant nightmare land. We ended up going to T.G.I.Fridays, and knew it was a mistake as soon as we walked in, all dark fake wood and shitty teenagers on the wait staff. But the kids would've had breakdown and blood sugar mutinies, so we sat down, and proceeded to waste $70 of fake money on some shitty ass food. It tasted like shit, being we usually cook our own, but I looked around and there were all these pig-like people, stoked to be there, sharing fried green beans and some mystery sauce next to us. It was disturbing as fuck and made me want to join Al-Qaeda. I stopped going to any Chinaman buffets for the same reason, sitting there one day and seeing all the pig people waddling around happily towards their slaughterhouse death. Very Fear & Loathing like, yeah, but I am sensitive to it. Can't help it. I got weird DNA fibers inside of me.

Homemade Song of the Week: "South 15 Rider" by Prolo

This here "South 15 Rider" song was on the first Prolo CD after we reformed after like fifteen years not making music. We used to be making music back in the boom bap days, shitty ass white dudes, had some sleazy urban manager dude geeking us up that he could get us signed to the label that Domino "Ghetto Jam" dude was on. Man, thank God that didn't happen. There'd be mad stupid youtube clips of me in my flannel and work pants and stocking hat style. Not that there's already plenty of stupid shit with me attached to it inside the internets as it is.
At the time of this, I worked for a guy up in Barboursville, and most of our work was in Orange County, so I rode US 15 from near my house to where we worked every day. I also grew up along US 15 about another hour south from all this. Plus, my first sister moved and lives about another hour south on US 15 in Clarksville. So it only made sense I'd write a song about a fake weekend hobo escape. I had played Brown the beat to "Cadillac on 22s" one night while we were high, as an example of the most perfect beat ever made on earths, and he took that style as inspiration for a few beats, this one being the best one he made. Then we recorded it in the camper behind my house and got my wife to sing background vocals. And this is what you end up with, which for people who know the area, they love it. But for most of you, it's probably off your radar. But every word of it is true.

100 VINYLZ: #90 - Extreme Aggression LP by Kreator

(1989, Noise Records)
There has never been a more perfect form of the metal musics than the original thrash movement. Never. When shit got all fake evil with the hell groan vocals, that shit's kinda stupid and cartoony. And I cannot ever once cosign on all these college town ironic metal bands that emulate the original thick grooves, but are all hanging out with anthropology and art history degrees, drinking PBRs. Pure metal is made with ignorance and hopelessness. Plus long hair. You could always tell back in the day that Rob Halford was gay because he had short hair. Long hair, a lack of hope for anything higher in life than maybe getting a G.E.D., and with twangy hyper-speed guitars. That shit is perfect.
A few years ago, I blew a good chunk of a unearned tax return by trying to re-accumulate a bunch of my favorite records from inside the ebays from my reckless youth. Some of them stood the test of time, while others were not as wonderful as my fifteen-year-old, weed-hazy mind remembered them. But two groups really stood out as being just as fucking powerful and perfect as I remembered them - Kreator and Overkill. But especially Kreator.
I have an 18 foot camper behind my house that a nice gypsy lady brought here to leave so that I'd take good care of it, except I can't have things, so now there's a pile of trash in front of it, it's half tore up, but it's perfectly me. Sometimes - and I'm 35 now - shit gets on my nerves, and I need to withdraw and pull back, and I'll go out to the camper and turn the lamp switch three times so it goes to the red light in the bottom half, and I'll put on this album, loud as fuck. Sitting outside my house in a camper in a red light listening to Kreator. But you see, I've got a college degree and upward mobility, so I know I can't recreate that, not even for leisure. So I sit there and smoke a bowl maybe, and just enjoy the fruits of other's frustrations. And it soothes my minor frustrations. Which is supposed to be the fucking point of music.