#17: WASHINGTON REDSKINS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year, 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: You know, I'm a lifelong Redskins fan, and I'd love to pretend that in my mind John Riggins' jersey-tugging touchdown run in the Super Bowl, or Darryl Grant's high-stepping, bumbling interception return for TD against the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl would be the most identifiable moment. But life under Dan Snyder has sucked, and caused me tons of emotional distress. I should start a class action lawsuit against that motherfucker. I would have to say the true thing I mostly identify this team with now is the day Deion Sanders was standing at the podium in front of those three Lombardi Trophies that get paraded around like fucking crazy but don't really seem to ever need to be scooted over to make room for another one, in his gaudy ass burgundy suit with the yellow handkerchief sticking out the pocket, fucking Deion Sanders, as a Redskins. Fucking treachery from within. That's the Redskins to me at this point.
FRESH INJECTION: Lord Albert Haynesworth is a 350 pound dude who runs like a regular dude. He will, hopefully, super destroy the world in Washington, and maybe our defense can outscore the other team's offense.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Has to be Chris Cooley, by far the most popular player on this team, probably because his bruising retarded white boy style harkens back to the days of Riggo. I have to say though, Cooley's internet act is kinda wearing thin, and he also seems to think he's way funnier than he really is a lot of times. I would assume this is all part of the transition to married life, where his awesome "one of the boys" shit of fucking a couple cheerleaders is replaced by dorky once a week poker nights where everyone smokes cigars, which is straight up some corny assed shit. If you play poker, like that stupid fucking TV poker with flop and riverbanks and all that dumb shit, and you only smoke cigars while playing poker, you are a fucking dumbass. Straight up. You might as well just suck each other's dick once a week because you are basically elaborately playing out that fantasy but in a subconscious completely repressed way.
TEAM ASS: Dan Snyder will always be retarded, but he is also the owner. If somehow there was someone around other than dipshit Vinny Cerrato, maybe he could accidentally have someone feeding him advise that might lead to an accidental Super Bowl run. But as long as Vinny Cerrato is lurking around, and has number 11 volume in Snyder's little billionaire ear, the Redskins will struggle to not struggle.
TRENDSETTER: DeAngelo Hall looked really good at the end of last year, showing real ballhawk ability, which the Redskins have lacked. If Hall can somehow score about half as many times as Clinton Portis (and this is assuming Portis scores a slew of TDs), the Redskins might have a better-than-mediocre team.
TEAM ELDER: Tackle Chris Samuels was a first round draft pick in 2000, and has been largely overrated ever since. 2nd and 3rd pick of an NFL draft, and the Redskins got Samuels and Lavar Arrington out of it. I sometimes think the "Samuels is the best player on this team... period" meme is pushed to justify that maybe the Redskins haven't fucked up every high draft pick ever, since forever.
THE RUDY: The other tackle Stephon Heyer came a few miles away from Maryland and now somehow is our future at either tackle spot.
FORMER TROJAN: Tight end Fred Davis, who claims he will be jacking a spot from Cooley this year, but also fumbled twice in his first preseason game.
VIRGINIA BOY: WR Marques Hagans was a former UVA QB, and stands a good shot at making the team, simply because he can return punts and for some reason the Redskins have tired of Antwaan Randle El's 30 yards sideways/5 yards forward return style that he's been solidly endorsed to go with the past two years.
WILD SAMOAN: With no bonafide Samoans on the Redskins roster right now, even during it's swollen preseason status, I will go with rookie DE Brian Orakpo, because of the questionable linguistics of his last name, although I know he's a black dude from Texas. Samoan Pride Scorecard: Hawaii - 3, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Nebraska - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Rock Cartwright is one of the best names in pro football, especially considering he's a tiny little spark plug of a black dude.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Cornelius Griffin sounds as if he has used government defense contracts to build an empire that expanded into the privatization of the prison industry, and now to private security forces being used along the border with Mexico.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Redskins have the star power and defense to make a push for .500, and even if they get there, will probably finish 4th in the NFC East.
#18: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
PERTINENT DATA: 5-11 last year, 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: I don't know, the Jaguars as an expansion franchise that remains, in my mind, an expansion franchise, with ugly tealish uniforms, lacks a real identity. When Jack Del Rio stormed in, I jumped on their bandwagon, with the chopping block in the locker room and all, but then the punter accidentally axed himself. So I guess for me that's the personification of the Jags - just as they start to get some swagger, they fuck themselves up, which they have by being the Bengals South the past few years, and with nothing to show for it.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie tackle Eugene Monroe is a fucking monster, a new breed of offensive lineman who is 300-plus pounds but built like a running back, with quick feet and gangsta strength. Of course, this doesn't always translate to the NFL so easily (see Robert Gallery), but from having seen Eugene Monroe in college, I can assure you he should be a fucking monster in the NFL. Too bad he went to Jacksonville.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Cornerback Rashean Mathis is the gangstafied soul of this team. Of course, they've been second only to the Bengals in recent years in terms of players getting busted for stupid shit or shot up outside of clubs or shit like that. So a soul of a team signified by Rashean Mathis may not be what the team goes for in a year or two.
TEAM ASS: Jack Del Rio's old school schtick is great so long as they were semi-successful. Now, with the Texans on the rise and the Titans and Colts firmly planted above the Jags, they are arguably the worst team in their division for years to come. Thus, Del Rio's old school gooftronics are fucking wack, especially when Mike Singletary does it so much better.
TRENDSETTER: Has David Garrard run his course yet as the better alternative to Byron Leftwich? The Leftwich sour taste should be gone from the mouth of Jaguars fans by now, so David Garrard will have to sink or swim on his own ability, which really hasn't shown so much.
TEAM ELDER: The center of both lines are equally anquored, with both starting center Brad Meester and starting defensive tackle Rob Meier coming to the Jaguars in the 2000 NFL draft, second and seventh rounders, respectively.
THE RUDY: Back-up fullback Montell Owens rode down to Jacksonville training camp in 2006 from the University of Maine, busted up heads as a fullback, and more importantly as a special teams blockhead, and has earned a fat paycheck ever since, way fatter than UPS.
FORMER TROJAN: Back-up middle linebacker Thomas Williams, in his second year out of USC, meaning he was playing with all those super Samoans in college.
VIRGINIA BOY: Starting middle linebacker Justin Durant is in his third year, coming out of small HBCU Hampton University in a part of Virginia that I don't really feel much allegiance to, but it has lots of black folks so it's way better than stupid fucking northern Virginia. (HBCU was a precursor to the swine flu.)
WILD SAMOAN: Guard Vincent Manuwai, straight out of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Nebraska - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Rookie tackle Eben Britton, which is a nice name for a giant black dude. Also, what the fuck with the Jaguars drafting two tackles with their first two draft picks? I would assume someone knows what the fuck is up, and next year they'll be going for a high profile QB out of college after finishing towards the bottom of the NFL.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Montavious Stanley's family made their fortune coming down from the north during the Civil War when Jacksonville was an important trading port for the south. The north blockaded the town, and the Stanley family strong-armed its way into taking over the local livestock markets in straight carpetbagging fashion. Thinking of livestock made me think of Junior Johnson, who went from being an infamously uncatchable bootlegger to an early superstar of Nascar, and now he has a wide array of pork products under his name. There is some movie I can't remember the name of right now, but it stars one of those very competent but indistinguishably awesome '70s actors - maybe it was Jeff Bridges, and has Jim Croce doing the soundtrack, and was an ABC made-for-TV movie based on Junior Johnson's story, and it comes on the cable TVs at times and is a very enjoyable ass movie. In case you were wondering about a movie you don't know the name of you should watch.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Jack Del Rio's ship was sinking last year, but he earned some extra time from his previous successes with this team (remember when they were gonna challenge the Colts for AFC South supremacy?), so he bought himself an extra year on that credit. This year, the ship will finish sinking, and they'll be even worse than last year, finishing 4th place in the AFC South for the second year in a row.
#19: HOUSTON TEXANS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year, 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The press conference unveiling of their ugly ass red, white, and blue uniforms will always associate the Texans with uncreative shittiness in my mind. First of all, the nickname "Texans" is a chump ass nickname. But okay, you go with that chumpy choice, hope to use a retardedly obvious marketing gimmick to capture the pride of football-crazy Texas people. The least you could do is pimp that played out angle with some fresh ass uniforms. But instead, the Houston franchise, in post-9/11 changed everything mode, went with the very predictable red, white, and blue. Played the fuck out. This team will always not be that much better than mediocre until they have suffered long enough under this style to have a refresh of their image with new uniforms. Most likely that will mean they will ride their current upward swing to maybe a wild card playoff loss one year, then back down to supreme shittiness with top five draft picks a couple years in a row, and then they hit the restart button and go with something fresher to try and brand themselves as a real Texas man's alternative to the Dallas Cowboys.
FRESH INJECTION: Defensive end Antonio Smith comes over from the Cardinals, whose defense came together as a surprisingly punishing unit for about the last six weeks of the season last year. Will that translate to a free agent success story with Antonio Smith? Lining up with Mario Williams on the other side of the line can't hurt the chances.
DRUNKEN SOUL: WR Andre Johnson is the NFL's lost-in-obscurity superstar playmaker in waiting, like Larry Fitzgerald was last year. Should NFL parity play in the Texans favor and they make a miracle run to like the AFC championship this year, it will be Andre Johnson on the cover of those 7000 fantasy football guides next summer instead of Larry Fitzgerald like this year. Man, how fucking uncreative are those things? I'm no fantasy football nerd by any means, but if I were, and I was standing at the book store magazine shelf and there were all those magazines with the same fucking guy on the cover, I'd automatically not want to buy any of them because they'd be drinking from the same pitcher of Kool-Aid. Same thing when it was L.T. on the cover of them all, and shit, it was only last year people were like, "who else would you pick first than Ladainian Tomlinson?" Look at that now.
TEAM ASS: Honestly, I am filled with such indifference to the Texans, it was difficult to come up with someone to actually invest any emotion in enough to say I dislike them. But I went with punter Matt Turk, who ended up being a tool when he played for the Redskins. Yet, at the same time, for a punter, he's about as great as they come, picking fights with regular players, getting injured playing basketball in the offseason, and just generally being a regular-style retard instead of a kicking specialist primadonna.
TRENDSETTER: Mario Williams is starting to live up to his 1st overall pick draft status, and being they've got a pretty solid defense including a tough line, he should continue to thrive, disrupt, get paid, and clock a grip.
TEAM ELDER: Starting guard Chester Pitts was the franchise's second ever draft pick, behind David Carr. He has started every game in the team's history.
THE RUDY: The other starting guard Mike Brisiel came into camp undrafted in 2006 out of Colorado State, and is entering his second year as a starter.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie linebacker Brian Cushing is part of the supposed best collegiate linebacking corps ever last year at USC, and should be starting at outside LB by midseason at the latest.
VIRGINIA BOY: Ahh, the premier Virginia boy actually, QB Matt Schaub, Mr. UVA good-looking whiteboy with a strong financial future who made noise as Mike Vick's back-up before Vick went to prison from Atlanta. Last year, Schaub caught QB controversy with Sage Rosenfels coming in and doing pretty good outside of helicopter fumbling away that one game against Indianapolis they should've won as a statement game, but Rosenfels is gone, so Schaub is the man, unless there are Texans fans (hahaha... I know) who think Dan Orlovsky is the Man. Isn't Orlovsky the dude who ran out the end zone for a safety for the Lions last year and didn't even know that was not acceptable? That's not a good thing to have on everyone's mental resume for you.
WILD SAMOAN: No bonafide Samoans, so let's go with DT Amobi Okoye, who is a super-intelligent high wonderlic ass dude for a defensive lineman. He played college ball at Louisville, making the updated (and mutated) Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Louisville - 1, Nebraska - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Xavier Adibi actually played in-state here at Virginia Tech, and has a great name that sounds like something Mushmouth from Fat Albert would call a ghost were he guest appearing on an episode of Scooby-Doo.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Boomer Grigsby amassed millions as an early boom oil tycoon, and has since parlayed that wealth to make sure all his grandchildren - well, the ones with penises at least - are guaranteed membership into the Skull & Bones Society, where they join an elite group of young men who use Crazy Horse's skull as a bong, secretly.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Texans could easily finish at .500 again this year, but probably won't do better than another 3rd place finish in the AFC South, being the Colts and Titans are still there.
#20: NEW YORK JETS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year, 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Deeply-ingrained loser mentality of Jets fans who would boo Jesus if they picked him in the draft personifies the Jets to me. I think there's a deeper Jersey vibe to the Jets than what you have with the Giants, and Jersey people - of which there are a fuck-ton of - have a second class citizen chip on their shoulder due to New York City across the river. So New Jersey is mostly a passing through type of state, but a very populous one, so there's a natural inclination to be overly proud of your Jersey roots (most places where people are fiercely proud of being from are usually shitholes, like Jersey, or the south, or Puerto Rico, etc), and overly expectant of the Jets team I think, in turn.
FRESH INJECTION: LB Bart Scott not only superangrifies the entire defense, he helps bring locker room muscle to help instill new coach Rex Ryan's philosophy throughout the team.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Safety Kerry Rhodes is the spark plug heart of this team's defense, which is their strength, and he should be even more of a roaming berserker this year with Ryan's defensive stylos.
TEAM ASS: Actually, I couldn't find too many Jets worth hating either... I think their green and white uniforms speak to me, much more than their straight up green ones from the '80s did. But forcing myself to pick somebody, I will pick new CB Lito Sheppard, who for years wore shithead green in Philadelphia, and fuck him.
TRENDSETTER: Shit, Rex Ryan comes in as a highly-touted former coordinator with high hopes attached to that. Of course, right before him at this spot on the NFL coaching carousel was Eric Mangini, who had been affectionately called Man-genius early in his short stint as Jets head coach. Most places, it's sink or swim, but with the Jets, Rex Ryan will have to not only swim, but flourish. Whether he can do that or not will decide whether this team goes in the same direction for more than three years in a row for the first time in my adult life.
TEAM ELDER: DE Shaun Ellis was a first round draft pick in 2000. He also will be sitting out the first game of the season because Roger Goodell doesn't think hemp can save the planet yet.
THE RUDY: Guard Brandon Moore came into Jets training camp in 2002 as an undrafted defensive lineman, earned a spot on the roster, converted to the o-line, and now is their starting guard and one of their most consistent o-lineman at that.
FORMER TROJAN: Glamour boy QB Mark Sanchez is the latest USC quarterback prince to hit the NFL. Unlike Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart, who were lucky enough to settle into less high profile places like Cincinnati and Phoenix, Sanchez is tossed headfirst into fucking New York City, with it's everpresent eyeball-on-the-pyramid-tip media lights, famous people galore, and ridiculous club scenes of all types and flavors. Mark Sanchez will see quickly enough, firsthand, that Babylon the Great has not yet fallen.
VIRGINIA BOY: D'Brickashaw Ferguson was a tackle at UVA, who has really turned a lot of high-level linemen on both sides of the ball for such a mediocre college football program.
WILD SAMOAN: Back-up nose tackle Sione Pouha played at Utah, a state famous for Mormons, black Republicans, and Samoans playing college football. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Louisville - 1, Nebraska - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, Utah - 1, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Jerricho Cotchery is an all-pro name for years, and he's moved from deep on the depth charts to a starter to now their #1 receiver during that time. And though his name is great, it does not ring as a fearsome offensive threat, which probably says a lot towards Sanchez's early development as a QB.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Kellen Clemens, Wall Street trustafarian kid taking his optioned-out 2009 4Runner to all sorts of Phish and Widespread Panic shows, plus maybe .moe if he can convince a couple frat brothers about it.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Rex Ryan will do well I think, and the Jets will push towards .500, but probably fall short, and finish 3rd in the AFC East.
#21: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year, 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Those old school orange uniforms are what I associate the Bucs with. It’s too bad they were so terrible in them, because contrary to alleged popular opinion, I think those were one of the most pimping ass uniforms that ever existed. I’m glad they’re pulling them back out this year, although it seems like an excuse to superstitiously explain an impending lackluster season.
FRESH INJECTION: You know, Kellen Winslow the second will get a lot of attention coming into Tampa Bay, but really, until he shows up for a full season in the NFL, he’s more promise than delivered goods. Free agent addition at RB Derrick Ward, however, is a fucking bruiser of a back who, when combined in tandem with Earnest Graham, should help cover up the fact the Bucs don’t have an actual quality proven starting quarterback on the roster.
DRUNKEN SOUL: With Derrick Brooks gone, formerly a back-up LB Jermaine Phillips now takes the lead on their defense, and is one of the longest-tenured players on the team. He’s the man now, dog. (I’m pretty sure I’ve used that in these preseason write-ups already, and I’ll probably use it again. The old left side of the brain ain’t what it used to be.)
TEAM ASS: Even though he’s gone, Jon Gruden has to be remembered as a first class, self-important piece of shit. I imagine he’ll be highly entertaining as a color commentator on the cable TVs, but that’s all part of rehabbing his image before some other owner gets chumped into believing the hype, it’s a sequel.
TRENDSETTER: The only real solid offensive threat they have is Antonio Bryant, yet he likes to balance his awesome potential with a lot of bitching and griping. Whether he can score touchdowns more than he can get all pouty pouty four feet behind the offensive coordinator will probably determine whether the Bucs can squeeze a few wins out of this hodgepodge offense.
TEAM ELDER: Ronde Barber was a 1997 draft pick, and is still kicking strong. His twin brother is married to Russell Simmons’ ex-wife and appears on national TV around the clock, but young Ronde is still playing the pigskins, at least for one more year. Another Roanoke boy made good. (I don’t say “boy” in reference to his skin color; I say in reference to how when you are from the south originally, people still think of you as a kid from the south regardless of how long you live, hence the term “good ole boy”.)
THE RUDY: Former Florida Gator comes to Tampa’s training camp in 2003, fights for a roster spot, and after repeated Cadillac Williams injury-laden seasons, becomes the bonafide hard-working man last year in Tampa, and is technically listed as the starter going into this year, though Derrick Ward and Williams will eat up hand-offs as well, at least until Cadillac’s ligaments inevitably rip from his body yet again.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie defensive end Kyle Moore was the 39th Trojan defender drafted this year, in the fourth round.
VIRGINIA BOY: Of course, Ronde is an Old Dominion favorite to this day, being I already listed him elsewhere for this team, let’s recognize LB Angelo Crowell, also from UVA, and in his seventh season of NFL success.
WILD SAMOAN: Sure, starting center Jeff Faine’s name looks potentially Samoan. he played at Notre Dame, not known for it’s Samoan recruiting, but also not known for being that good in recent times. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Louisville - 1, Nebraska - 1, Notre Dame - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, Utah - 1, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: B.J. Askew is the most ridiculous football name going, although if I ever happenstance across an issue of Maxim (or similar nimrod magazines with half-hearted attempts at pornographic images) that mentions this in a football sidebar, I will stop going with him on these lists.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Sabby Piscitelli’s family helped exploit the tremendous phosphate reserves in the Bone Valley outside of Tampa back in the 1800s, and used that wealth to build power in the port of Tampa, which has fed their economic clout ever since.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Buccaneers are pretty much doomed. Even if someone else in their division is worse than expected, it’s hard to believe the Bucs are headed for anything except last place in the NFC South.
#22: DENVER BRONCOS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year, 40 to 1 to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: John Elway’s stupid fucking horseface winning a couple of Super Bowl rings will forever be etched in my brain as an NFL-watching lowpoint.
FRESH INJECTION: Now that he’s no longer a Philadelphia Eagle, I do not mind admitting at all that Brian Dawkins is a fucking bad ass dude. I like smaller defensive guys who launch themselves head first like a missile and then quote the Bible when asked about it later on.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Champ Bailey is the flat-faced soul of this team, and really the only pre-eminate player they have.
TEAM ASS: Poor Chris Simms, with his ruptured spleen and high pedigree, never quite amounting to much more than like the 33rd or 34th best QB in the league (aka the best clipboarder around). He was forever doomed by his shitty father. I feel for young Chris, because his father is such a loathsome figure, he never stood a chance. And really, what better way to completely crash his soul than to become the starter in Denver, like he might, and piss all over both his father’s and John Elway’s legacies?
TRENDSETTER: Hahaha, whether Kyle Orton can prove the Cutler-haters wrong or not is the key to the Broncos immediate future. And with three interceptions right off the bat in his first preseason game, he looks to be proving the future is bleak. Oh well, high draft picks await at the end of the year. Lolol at you Champ Bailey.
TEAM ELDER: Offensive lineman Ben Hamilton was a fourth round draft pick in 2001, although he missed a year because of concussions. Fuck it man, go out like a champ. Crash your head into super-early onset of Alzheimers and get your crazy on in your 40s before you NFL money runs out.
THE RUDY: Back-up tackle (on both sides) Tyler Polumbus is a textbook NFL Rudy, coming from a local college - Colorado in his case - and walking onto the team as an undrafted homeslice last year, and carving himself a solid reserve spot on a mediocre assed pro football team. Their mediocrity is his wealth.
FORMER TROJAN: No former Trojans, so I revert to the USC of the South, the fighting Gamecocks of the University of South Carolina, which is where from Andre Goodman, starting cornerback, got girls pregnant at in his collegiate days.
VIRGINIA BOY: Wide receiver/kick returner constant end zone threat Eddie Royal came from Virginia Tech. He made far more noise last year in Denver than he did ever at Tech, which is probably because Frank Beamer doesn’t open it up on offense, ever. I met Beamer one time at the Starbucks in Waynesboro, gave him some daps and chatted for a minute. He had a big fat ring from some sort of ACC/Big East/bowl championship. I would assume it was from ‘99 when they lost in the national title game against Florida State, but I didn’t get a chance to scope it out and see for sure. He’s a really small, old dude in real life.
WILD SAMOAN: They don't have Samoans nor do they have third world sounding motherfuckers, so I'll pick Knowshon Moreno because that's some space immigrant naming he got given there. He's from Georgia by the way, and used to get high with the guy Killer Mike wrote "Samson" about. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Auburn - 1, Brigham Young - 1, Georgia - 1, Louisville - 1, Nebraska - 1, Notre Dame - 1, Penn State - 1, Stanford - 1, Utah - 1, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Elvis Dumervil, without a doubt. Black dudes named Elvis are automatically pimp ass, but you throw in some old world-sounding name like Dumervil that makes you sound like co-starred with Basil Rathbone in Sherlock Holmes movies before they had color inside of video machines, and that makes you number one.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: DE Everette Pedescleaux’s family came to the midwest to exploit the cultural ignorance of gold rushing immigrants, make triple the money off their hard work, and build a family empire.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Broncos are completely fucked, and the Jay Cutler debacle was just the start of the post-Shanahan unraveling process. They will be bad enough that Josh McDaniels might not make it to year two, and even in the worst division in pro football recent history - this year’s AFC West - the Broncos will finish in last place.
#23: MIAMI DOLPHINS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year, winning the AFC East, then lost their home playoff game to the Baltimore Ravens, 45 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: I’m not a huge Dolphins fan, but I can tolerate them more than most teams, and always identify them with the Dan Marino to Mark Duper or Mark Clayton heyday when they had the highest-powered offense ever that could bust open an 80 yard touchdown play any second. Of course, with Chad Pennington’s gimp ass arm, they are far from that now, but the memory remains.
FRESH INJECTION: Pat White, coming straight out of West Virginia, gives the Dolphins an actual former college QB to take over the wildcat looks that Ronnie Brown spearheaded last year. Brown did amazingly well, and padded his statistics with a slew of touchdowns from the trendy formation, but White should do even better with it. Hahaha, I hadn’t even noticed that color theme - Brown and White.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Ricky Williams is the most obvious and closest to literal drunken soul in the NFL. I love Ricky Williams, and have always meant to do the internet research legwork to see the list of players he has been traded for in his career, since Mike Ditka traded an entire draft for him one year, and then the Saints fleeced the Dolphins out of half a class of draft picks later on.
TEAM ASS: You know, even before he came to the Redskins last year, I knew Jason Taylor was a piece of shit. Not only did he do nothing to prove me wrong, he actually strengthened my low opinion of him. It’s almost embarrassing that the Dolphins were using Redskins draft picks they got for Taylor this spring, and Taylor was already resigned with Miami.
TRENDSETTER: Even though they have Ricky Williams and Pat White too, Ronnie Brown is still considered the man for the Dolphins backfield this year. His performance was misled by how many gimmick TDs he got with the wildcat, because as the year wore on, he wasn’t doing that well. Whether he can be Ronnie Brown - 1st round draft pick potential superstar, or Ronnie Brown - better than Curtis Enis but not by much, will determine how well the Dolphins can do this year.
TEAM ELDER: Safety Yeremiah Bell was a late round draft pick in 2003, bounced around as an NFL extra that first year, but came back to the Dolphins starting off the 2004 offseason, and has been there ever since. Homeboy even made the Pro Bowl last year.
THE RUDY: As is normal for Parcells imprinted teams, they had good contributions from undrafted dudes last season. Most notably was Davone Bess, who made some noise as the third receiver, as well as a punt return threat.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie WR Patrick Turner hopes to be Parcells newest Keyshawn replicon. How many times have I used a rookie Trojan for these spots, and I’m not even halfway through the league previews yet? How the fuck did they not win the national championship last year?
VIRGINIA BOY: Defensive end Kendall Langford, straight out of Hampton, and starting with authority.
WILD SAMOAN: Ahh, a 350-pound-plus Samoan dude from Utah... a perfect NFL stereotype. That is second-year monstrosity Paul Soliai. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 2, Auburn, Brigham Young, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Penn State, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Fullback Lousaka Polite. “Fullback” is his position, not his first name, though it would make a great first name.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Channing Crowder’s great-grandfather set up internationally-minded financial institutions, to capitalize on Miami’s perfect location between America and the Latin world, and also grew financially from the cocaine money flowing through the area in the ‘80s. Dirty money is still money, and white folks know how to sterilize things better than anybody.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: All the football talking heads seem to think there’s going to be a drop-off with the Dolphins this year, but Parcells has always done way better his second year than the first. Not that they will, especially since he’s not technically the coach or anything. But they’ll finish second in the AFC East, and contend but fall short for a wild card berth in the playoffs.
#24: BUFFALO BILLS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year, 45 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Bills will always be connected in my mind to Bruce Smith and Darryl Talley, who looked complete secret degenerates, Smith the kind of guy who would make homemade piss on white chick flicks like Chuck Berry, and Talley just some sort of El Debarge on PCP looking motherfucker. I have always hated the Bills, for no other reason than I wouldn't want these two guys within 200 miles of my family.
FRESH INJECTION: Who else could it be? T.O. brings the drama, popcorn, strong denial of the inevitable, and a death kiss for Trent Edwards.
DRUNKEN SOUL: When Marcus Stroud came up from Jacksonville last year, he gave their defense an identity, and a big, fat, good-natured, black guy they could all rally behind.
TEAM ASS: Man, Marshawn Lynch gets busted for the most NBA-ish things, like smoking weed outside an industrial park. What the fuck? I understand basketball players being retarded like that, because they roll in small units and have had people do things for them since middle school. A top-level football player should get busted for domestic violence or club incidents, not simple shit like Marshawn Lynch gets busted for.
TRENDSETTER: Before he died, Bill Walsh said that Trent Edwards would be so great he would make Joe Montana look like a fucking faggot. But Trent Edwards also played at Stanford and Bill Walsh and the Dean of Stanford had a secret thing going on, so who knows how prejudiced Walsh was in his deathbed declarations. Still, whether or not Trent Edwards is the second coming of Joe Montana or the latest incarnation of Not Jim Kelly will tell a lot about whether the Bills have a promising future. Throwing Terrell Owens into the mix (meaning Trent Edwards' head) should help confuse the answer to this question as well.
TEAM ELDER: DE Aaron Schobel was a 2nd round draft pick in 2001, and punter Brian Moorman came on as a free agent that same offseason.
THE RUDY: Two years ago, some schlubby white boy LB named Jon Corto from nearby obscure school Sacred Heart came out for the team, and somehow grinded his way onto the roster. Last year, he started making special teams plays on the regular to continue his impossible dream, that makes fat, racist white football fans in Buffalo proud every Sunday.
FORMER TROJAN: Cornerback Cary Harris is yet another rookie defensive player from last year's USC Trojans team.
VIRGINIA BOY: Starting tackle Brad Butler played at UVA, apparently only a few years ago, and I don't remember him at all. Sounds white though. He should've been named D'Brickashaw instead.
WILD SAMOAN: No Samoans, and in lieu of obvious third worlders, I opt for former Penn State LB Paul Posluszny, because I dig Euro trash style of four consonants in a row, even if one of them is a Y perpetrating some vowelship. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Penn State, Utah - 2, Auburn, Brigham Young, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Cornerback Ashton Youboty, without a second thought.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Dominic Rhodes' families owned the grain mills that were the largest in America back when Buffalo was a major metropolis and Buffalo was a shipping star, being the western terminus of the Erie Canal. This is why, to this day, Dominic Rhodes tucks a single piece of wheat into his left cleat every game day. Also why he got along so well with those hicks in Indiana when he was a Colt.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Questionable team adds T.O. to the mix is like ammonia and bleach. The Bills will implode at some point, because they weren't far from it last year, and even though Marshawn Lynch and Terrell Owens will have $500 fake wrestling title belts they defend during loud locker room games of dominoes, this team will turn to shit. It's going to be hilarious to watch. They will finish dead last in the AFC East, yet again.
