Redskins 0-1 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Recap

Taken from the Armchair Linebacker blog, as part of my coverage of my dreaded Redskins.

(pic is Laron Landry's lime green Lamborghini, just because)
This year... or at least this week... I'm gonna do a Positive/Negative listing in between Redskins games. I started the year with an even 4 positive, one even, and 4 negative, and will shift it up or down a notch or two to reflect positivity or negativity as I deem it necessary due to the internal turmoil and Sunday soul frustrations this team causes me. Football is passion and heart, yet scientific. Actually, it's all metaphysical too, because if every Redskin fan had faith, they'd win more often. But it's hard to maintain faith if nothing is there to validate it. In other words, Redskins fans are beyond teetering and actually fallen over into the chasm of Football Atheism, where we don't believe in shit no more. But I digress. Here are the 9 points positive or negative in descending order for this week, sliding south to 3 positives/the even center/and 5 negatives...
3RD DEGREE POSITIVE - LONDON FLETCHER. I never posted my defense preseason preview, but London Fletcher is the guy on this team I highly tout. He's a small-sized MLB, and often gets beat when he gets stuck covering a faster TE on plays. But dude is a fucking workhorse, can take over games if he feels it, and had 18 fucking tackles against the Giants. That's not great because it would've been nice for Albert Haynesworth big ass to take a handful of those tackles before it got to the second line of the defense, but whatever man. Fletcher is a wily veteran defensive quarterback, and if the Redskins have any sense whatsoever, London will play here until he retires, and upon retirement, he shouldn't have to carry his box of locker possessions far, because they ought to be cleaning up a desk in an assistant coach's office for him to move it to.
2ND DEGREE POSITIVE - CHRIS COOLEY. I've been down on Cooley this year, as he seems to be too caught up in himself. That won't get easier with his wife being on the stupid VH1 Footballer's Wives program or whatever it's gonna be. But the fact of the matter is when the rest of the offense is sucking ass, Cooley is there to make a stumbling, bumbling 12 yard gain for a first down when it looks like everybody else has half thrown in the towel. Cooley plays hard, and maybe I forgot that a bit due to him being Mr. Blogosphere and taking pictures of his dick for no reason, plus selling some ugly ass shirts on his website. But if he can instill his fire into some other motherfuckers around him, maybe we can go 9-7 this year.
1ST DEGREE POSITIVE - HUNTER THE PUNTER. Yeah, the fucking punter. But honestly, on the fake field goal where the Skins scored their first touchdown of the season, there's a lesson to be learned. Hunter Smith took the snap, and instead of just jumping up and dashing off to get trampled by Giants special teamers, he moved the ball down as if to set up for a kick, and in that small important detail of execution, Giants special teamers actually went into their diving motion, so that as Hunter spun all the way through backwards to take off hilariously with the football, high stepping it like an 8 year old whiteboy pretending to be Deion Sanders, there was no one standing there to fuck the trickery up. Execution. There's a lot of Redskins players that don't seem to realize that every little thing fucking matters, and if you don't do the little shit, the bigger shit never falls into place. I guess that probably comes from the top down in Redskins Park though.
EVEN DEGREE - ANTWAN RANDLE EL. My boy Carter was with me watching the game, also a Redskins fan, and I was very quick to talk shit about Randle El as much as possible. But he got more yardage receiving than almost anybody in the league last weekend, probably because most everybody thought he was a really good 3rd receiver anyways, so the Skins moving him back to the slot sort of allows him to thrive. However, he was still going 49 yards sideways to get 3 yards forward on his punt returns. And that first hand-off to him for a rollout pass, man, he telegraphed that shit immediately. Again, execution, or selling the small details to fake out the defense. People have gotten sloppy in this team.
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE - DEANGELO HALL. He had the one interception almost come back for a TD, which is what I'm expecting from him this year. If the defense can't put up 10 easy points on their own and with the offense kicking in chip shot field goals to finish a turnover off, then this team is fucked anyways, because the offense is a four-cylinder one at best. But man, what the hell is up with Hall's soft ass coverage? I mean, I understand if you're worried about the deep threat on a play you play off, but goddamn, he was giving steady ten yard cushions all day long, and stupid hick Eli Manning was whipping out the easy third down conversions left and right. I worry about how much this secondary will lose it's hunger and heady play with Shawn Springs gone. I hate the salary cap sometimes, because Springs is the type of player you keep around till he's done too, and move him to a coach's office as well. I can't exactly see Albert Haynesworth being a field coach like that.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE - LARON LANDRY. At times I really feel for Landry. He came in and it was supposed to be the greatest safety combo the NFL had ever seen, him and Sean Taylor. And then Taylor gets ripped from us too early (Heaven needed a Manimal) and everybody quietly starts trying to have Landry replace Taylor. No one is ever gonna replace Sean Taylor. That was one intense ass dude, who scared people, even at the NFL level. T.O. never got T-Rex arms as easily as he did when Taylor was lurking. But at the same time, Laron Landry was like a #6 overall pick, and he ought to have turned a corner by now. Actually the same can be said, but even more so, of Carlos Rogers. These guys are supposed to be gamebreakers back there in the secondary, but instead they get stupid penalties or can't catch even easy interceptions. If this team's defense is going to turn it up and not just be solid but actually intimidate motherfuckers and turn games around so that easy Ls become crushing Ws that destroy the psychological outlook of opposing teams, guys like Landry and Rogers need to step the fuck up. But Laron Landry doesn't have to be Sean Taylor, because he never will be. Just keep your head in the game. And like Sean Taylor, if you're gonna get a stupid unsportsmanlike penalty, make sure it rattles some bones and is worth the 15 yard investment, and not just a stupid lack of focus.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE - SANTANA MOSS. When Moss does good, he can make you proud he's a Redskin. But when he's not having a good day, it's a little too obvious. His off days are really off, like 2 catches for 9 yards, and one of those will be that stupid quick slant dump to him the Redskins always do that never gets a fucking yard anymore. Santana is a likeable guy, but he's never really set himself up as the go-to man. If no one else is playing up that day, he'll get boxed in with double teams or whatever, and next thing you know his helmet is getting ripped off and he's pouting his way back to the huddle. I almost feel bad talking shit on him, since he is such a likeable player, but fuck man, if you're gonna be the #1 receiver on an allegedly promising offense, you've got to be able to get open more often, even in double teams. Use some of that fire that makes you so pissed off standing around after a play to adrenalize yourself during the plays.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - JASON CAMPBELL. I don't know man, he's one of the nicest guys ever, but sometimes he looks fucking lost out there. And usually I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and blame it on a coaching staff that won't take the reins off him or let him have a little more freedom on the field. But then something like that first interception in the Giants game happens. He was a good three yards over the line of scrimmage when he threw the INT. THREE FUCKING YARDS! I mean, sometimes a QB might be right at the line and make an illegal forward pass and you can understand it. But if you are supposed to be the main guy on the field, completely into the game and aware of all aspects so that shit runs smoothly, how the hell do you go three yards past the line of scrimmage and still think it's okay to heave a pass down the sidelines. The interception wasn't even the bad part. It just showed a real lack of awareness on his part (as did his fumble returned for a TD by Osi Umenyiora later in the game), and for a guy who has had to defend his grey matter ability this offseason, you think he'd be trying to step the cerebral aspect of his game, not regress.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - DAN SNYDER. I actually looked at a Redskins fan message board this week, and was amazed to find people - lots of them even - defending Dan Snyder, saying he had nothing to do with this team's poor play. Dude has been a meddling influence from day one, and if star players know they have a back door to the owner's office, how the hell are they gonna be afraid of answering to their coach? And if they're not afraid of their coach, why will they try to execute every fine detail of every play? And if they don't execute every fine detail, then they look sloppy, and fail ultimately. It all falls on Snyder. Any success this team has will be in spite of him, not because of him, and you know he's already got Cowher and (fuck) Shanahan typed into his cell phone if things get worse. I feel bad for Zorn, because he's in over his head at times, which is understandable since he was never anything more than a QB coach before. But I almost feel like once Snyder knew he couldn't get a top-tier coach, he moved Zorn up to head coach to buy some time till the next coaching carousel cycle. Except Zorn started really strong last year, strong enough to not be able to justify him getting fired after one year. If I was Zorn, I'd coach this team like that dude did in Major League, pitting Snyder the owner as their enemy who wants them to fail so he can get new guys in who will make more money and they'll pull the 3 Lombardi trophies out the cabinet again and set them in front of a podium for someone else to come along and make Snyder's little dick hard yet again. That's how Zorn should be hyping his team, win to piss the little owner fucker off, and then if he won't waste more of his stupid money on you, someone else will be more likely to with you having some success in such a shitty environment. Then do a hip hip hooray, and hand out Zen meditation books or some shit.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST: MLB London Fletcher (+3), TE Chris Cooley (+2), P Hunter Smith (+1+), WR/PR Antwan Randle El (even), CB DeAngelo Hall (-1), FS Laron Landry (-2), WR/PR Santana Moss (-3), QB Jason Campbell (-4), owner Dan Snyder (-5).

Stella Artois

AFFORDABILITY: The Stella Artois ain't the cheapest beer around, but we were having visitations from my wife's oldest sister and her fam, and they have money, so I was high rolling it, at least in my mind. Plus, being on anti-can beer kick, the Stella Artois, in 12-pack boxes, was as cheap as any for-real good beer, although sixers were in my "ahem... ahem... I guess I'll get some Yuenglings" range. 3 out of 5. Man, my standards have really switched up since I ain't such an alcoholic who needs to be elbow deep into a 12-pack by 11 pm.
DESTROYABILITY: First night I drank it was in the 24 oz. variety, and mixed in with a tall can of the Kirin Ichiban shit, and I've been eating less and sleeping less and working harder, and that tag team combo of beers put me on tilt for real. Since then, I drank some a couple more nights (this is a long term test), and it gave me the proper tilt on those nights as well, once in some unlounging dude's house, and the other sitting next to an early fall/late summer bonfire underneath a nearly full moon. Motherfuckin' propers to you Ms. Stella Artooey. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: A nice Euro label with red and white prominent and plenty of gold flash. Not gold like Lil Flip's teeth, but classy gold like an Estonian boxer's fillings. Plus Euro words here and there for a touch of international flair, and the upper label wraps over top the blank bottle cap. Most beers, if they want to be tight, spend money for stupid sayings on the bottle caps and spirals and shit like that. Stella Artimissy kicks it with a simple blank cap and extra printed paper, which is probably cheaper, and looks different. More motherfuckin' propers to you Ms. Stella Artooey. 6 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I think they bought Budweiser didn't they, right before the All American Ale came out back when that big Frankenstein looking dude from Saturday Night Live was doing their commercials? If they did, they can't be that great a corporation for finding a reason to over-profit from an already overprofitable brand. You know, none of this would've happened - Budweiser owned by the Belgiese or Stella Artois at my local Food Lion or 9/11 or nothing - if Dale Earnhardt hadn't died. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I will not front, the Stella Artois has become my favorite beer. I had at some point mistakenly prejudged it as some richboy faggot nonsense, and I can’t even remember why. Maybe somebody unlounging I knew was drinking it or pimping it or something. I can tell you that if I had the money flow going on, this would be my main beer right now, because it gives you a good healthy buzz, feels good in your hand, and the paper wraps on top give you something that occupies nervous fidgeting, and reminds me personally of the bottle’s potential molotov cocktail options. In fact, I wish I had about 11 of these right now and I’d stay up all night listening to Willie Nelson records in my camper, typing nonsense into a cheap ass and virus infected laptop. 12 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 5 & 3/5 STARS!

NFL WEEK 2: South Division Teams

For our first four-week cycle through the league, we shall break it down by directional divisions. After one week, the direction with the worst collective record is the South (although I’m sure the West will catch up soon enough), so let’s take a stroll through the dirty dirty, at least as it is relegated by the NFL’s geographical overlords...

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (1-0, 5th overall) - The Colts struggled to close out the Jags, but they usually have struggled against the Jags. Only problem is the Jaguars suck this year, and the Colts lost their hot WR as well, but they still had enough to edge out the stupid fucking Jags. I can see this being a mediocre year for the Colts, which probably says more for Peyton Manning’s ability to make tuna salad out of chickenshit than I’d normally would like to admit.

#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (1-0, 13th overall) - I don’t think last year was a fluke for the Falcons, although I fear they’re going to end up being the Chargers East in that they will be a continuous contender with a great offense that never really gets over the hump. Still, it’s nice to see Arthur Blank have some steady success; he seems like a good rich white fucker, at least by rich white fucker standards.

#3: TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1, 14th overall) - Titans football was on display against the Steelers - down and dirty, ugly, and right there still in it at the end. I have to admit, even though he still looks more like a meth-addled roofer than anyone else in the history of the NFL, Kerry Collins and his wily ways are starting to win me over. He’s a throwback player in the sense he’s probably been to assorted rehabs five or six times in his career, though we only know about maybe the one time in Carolina.

#4: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0, 15th overall) - Wow, Drew Brees went Madden football on Detroit the first week, and yet again the Saints look like they might be able to average 30 points a game, and give up about 28 a game, so it’s all going to come down to how their luck breaks, which has usually doomed them. Still, one mark in Sean Payton’s “NFL genius” column is how he’s got Shockey involved in an offense with many different options and not complaining yet. I guess it’s still early though.

#5: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-1, 18th overall) - I was surprised they stayed as close to the Colts as they did, as I thought this would be the year the wheels came off of Jack Del Rio’s “a player’s coach regular dude” schtick. Maybe the Colts aren’t as good as everyone thinks though. No one (as far as I can remember) has gotten arrested thus far this season for the Jaguars, or shot up outside of a club, so that’s an improvement. Has Jimmy Smith been arrested again for cocaine yet this year?

#6: CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1, 20th overall) - Jake Delhomme had a far bigger blowout of potential than Jay Cutler did, just his wasn’t on national TV. The Panthers 2nd stringer got hurt (one of the McCown boys), and was only going to be out for a month, but they went ahead and IRed him for the year. They are sort of fucked, because Delhomme isn’t going to suddenly not be done for I don’t think. Steve Smith is going to go crazy and start Rae Carruthing motherfuckers in practice I bet by the middle of October.

#7: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-1, 23rd overall) - Actually got to see a lot of their game and they weren’t really that impressive. It’s amazing to me how a guy like Byron Leftwich can not really do anything extraordinary, bad or good, and be considered a viable starter. I’d rather just put the rookie Josh Freeman out there, because it’s like you’re just accepting a period of purgatory until you do.

#8: HOUSTON TEXANS (0-1, 29th overall) - Naive playoff aspirations destroyed by a rookie QB in his first start on the first weekend of the season. Houston will always be a doomed team because of their ugly uniforms and stupid nickname. No winning identity can ever be placed on something so gay. (That is not a knock of homosexuality, just within the alpha male team context of football, gay insinuates effeminate and weak without having to actually call someone a woman, which would be an even bigger insult.)

Friday Love/Hate

I love the fall weather, cool times, windows open on the old ass house I'm painting, DJ Screw shit pumping through my gaypod, getting my shellac primer on while the world spins past. Youth soccer started up again and I'm hyping the under-sixes right up, and all seems good with the world. I'm broke as fuck still, but living pretty damned good on the surface of this crooked fucking world.

I hate massive fucking debt. It crushes my soul like concrete stonehenges. Well, not really. But I like to pretend I care about stupid fucking money since I know the Dept. of Defense created the internet, has the Patriot Act behind itself, and be pumping up the quiet weapons for silent wars like crazy.

NFL Preseason Preview: Cream of the Crop

Let's John Blaze through these, backdate 'em, and pretend I had done that shit on time when you poke back through and are like, "Shit, I must've missed one..."

#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year; 6 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: For me, it was the Brady tuck ruling against the Raiders that one year in the playoffs that kinda proved to me the NFL was fixed like wrestling. It made Brady the wonderboy supreme, and then after 9/11, the Patriots won another Super Bowl, like a CBS Sunday Night movie playing out before my eyes. I'm surprised Pat Tillman doesn't have a younger brother who plays special teams wedgebuster for the Pats at this point.
FRESH INJECTION: I was pretty disappointed the Redskins didn't keep Shawn Springs. He had injury issues, but the dude was a tape hound, and he instilled his personality on the rest of the secondary, even when he was out with a hamstring or whatever. I think on a defense that lost a lot of its key ingredients, Springs will at least keep the secondary tight and focused. That dude is straight up coach material.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Nothing can be the soul of this team more than the Wonderboy Tom Brady.
TEAM ASS: I am not entirely sure why, but I do not like that Wes Welker at all. I think maybe his alliterative name and spunky little whiteboy schtick reminds me too much of Joe Jurevicius, who I always thought was a giant douche too.
TRENDSETTER: Bill Belichick gave this franchise it's best years, and he is generally regarded as the ultimate fuckface in the NFL at this point, because he gets veteran players, quality low round draft picks, and dupes Al Davis out of shit regularly. The future of the Patriots will ride Belichick's motivational swing. Does holmes ride this shit out and try to win like 7 Super Bowls in New England? Or does he get the big ego thing big coaches do where they want to leave behind the awesome shit they built to take two years off, then go somewhere really shitty and see if they can do it again? Belichick had a pretty shitty run of it in Cleveland, so maybe he'll be straight in New England until he retires.
TEAM ELDER: Kevin Faulk was a second round pick in 1999, the year before they got Brady in the draft.
THE RUDY: Starting guard Stephen Neal was a collegiate wrestler at Cal State-Bakersfield, came to New England undrafted right before 9/11, and has developed into an integral part of their big, ugly whiteboy O-line.
FORMER TROJAN: No former Southern California Trojans on the roster, probably too primadonna for Belichick's taste. But they do have Adalius Thomas, who played at Southern Mississippi.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginians on their roster either, fucking assholes. Randy Moss though did come up in West Virginia and probably could've played at Virginia Tech had they really thought about it, because they have pretty low standards for players when it comes to personal conduct. I'm not faulting them, because it works, but yeah, convicted felons at the age of 18 are pretty much welcome in Blacksburg nowadays.
WILD SAMOAN: No Samoans either. Man, Belichick must be racist against fringe elements. Let us recognize Pat Chung here instead, because he is a Chinaman. Plus, Pat Chung played at Oregon, meaning he rolled with some longhaired Samoans almost certainly. Updated Samoan (amongst other elements) Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young, Oregon, and Utah - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: BenJarvus Green-Ellis has all sorts of names packed into his name, and barely beats out Tully Banta-Cain in this category, although I have always been impressed with the name "Tully". You name your boy Tully and he's gonna be a roughneck, no doubt.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Logan Mankins' family is heavily invested in biotechnology, and benefits from Boston getting more National Institute of Health funding than any other metropolitan area in America. Plus, Logan Mankins is fucking awesome.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: I am a football egghead! I predict they will win the AFC East and also win the Super Bowl. How daring!

#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS
PERTINENT DATA: 15-4 last season, won the AFC North, as well as the Super Bowl; 9 to 1 odds to repeat this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Steelers, from my youth when Jack Lambert scared the fuck out of me, has always been personified by scary fucking linebackers, in a steady stream, that get let go in the free agency era because they have some other just as scary fucking linebacker gnawing at skeletal wristbones to get on the field and tear some shit up. Seriously, I know Chicago has this stellar reputation as a linebacker team, but I think Chicago sports in general benefits from a prominent nerd demographic that waxes poetically about shit like the Cubs or Bears linebackers or whatever the fuck. Pittsburgh just does it, and has had like five different Brian Urlachers in the past 15 years, just not white and looking like a state trooper, so you can't market them to your closet racist fanbase so easily, like you'd have to in Chicago.
FRESH INJECTION: First round draft pick Ziggy Hood has a lovely name and will be expected to inject venom into the D-line as soon as he's properly indoctrinated into the Steeler way.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Ben Roethlisberger is like a Tom Brady for dudes who aren't fucking fruits. Ben Roethlisberger should be President. I'd vote for the dude in a heartbeat, twice.
TEAM ASS: There's no Steelers I can say I really dislike, but if I had to pick one I'd pick Hines Ward, mostly because I hate Koreans. They blew up my grandfather and left him for dead and I will never forgive nor forget.
TRENDSETTER: You know, Mike Tomlin is such an intense youngish black dude coach on the sidelines, and you believe it. But dude went to William & Mary, which, of Virginia colleges, has the highest gay and lesbian rates and suicide rates and all sorts of nerdy ass shit going on. Like, it's hard to imagine anyone being tough there. Which I guess is why Tomlin is so awesome because he can transcend cultures, be intelligent and high-minded, yet flare his nostrils and look like he might shank you. His ability to do such in the NFL will determine the Steelers long-term health, because Art Modell keeps his coaches around forever. (What, they've had like four coaches in 50 years or some shit?) Personally, I think Tomlin is way better than Cowher was, and even Cowher won a Super Bowl eventually.
TEAM ELDER: Former starter and star Deshea Townsend is now a reserve role player cornerback, but he was their 4th round pick in 1998, and he's been around town forever.
THE RUDY: The Steelers seem to be stocked with undrafted dudes, and Willie Parker is already like 4th all-time on the undrafted rushing list, yet he's probably not even the best undrafted dude on his team, as last year's defensive player of the year and Super Bowl hero James Harrison came in undrafted out of Kent State and has wreaked fucking havoc as the latest scary fucking linebacker in a black jersey from Pittsburgh.
FORMER TROJAN: Samoan sex symbol Troy Polamalu was a former USC Trojan.
VIRGINIA BOY: My old high school briefly moved into a different district right after I graduated, with one that this high school called Matoaca was in. Around that time they had this kid James Farrior who was playing like Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, breaking motherfuckers in half. He went on to play at UVA, was drafted by the New York Jets, came over to the Steelers and is starting his lucky 13th year in the NFL as a professional athlete. And now you know the rest of the story.
WILD SAMOAN: Since I already name-dropped Polamalu, let us recognize the immense size and talent of 344-pound guard Chris Kemoeatu, from the University of Utah, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Limas Sweed, without a doubt. I grew those one time, but the squash bugs got them after they were done with my zucchinis.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Casey Hampton, steel magnate. That sounds like a porn, hopefully with a nice double penetration scene.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Steelers should dominate again, win their AFC North division again, but fall in the AFC Championship against the Patriots.

#3: NEW YORK GIANTS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5, won the NFC East, and then flamed the fuck out; 10 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: As a Redskins fan, I identify the Giants with the Lawrence Taylor/Bill Parcells era, when they were division rivals, but you couldn't really hate them as much as the other divisional rivals. I mean Dallas is Dallas, which is like the Al Qaeda of the NFL - absolutely no way to defend them. And the Eagles are okay but have a degenerate fanbase that makes them pretty easy to hate as well, if you can still see them through the pepper spray. So I always see the Giants as this team that I should hate but just don't have the emotion to hate like that, and kinda wish bad upon, but not too hard.
FRESH INJECTION: Hakeem Nicks, eventually, will make people forget about Plaxico Burress. Dude was a hotshot at UNC and stood out in games as the one dude on the field who had a high arc of potential, which he was just starting to realize in college. He's gonna fuck some shit up, eventually.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Osi Umenyiora being out all last year was tough on the Giants, although it probably gave him more free time to piss on chicks for a sexual fetish. Really, this dude is crazy, and good, which is a nice combination for your star defensive front 7 guy to have and force on the rest of the team like he forces his way on women in all likelihood.
TEAM ASS: Fuck an Eli Manning, and every Manning, but especially Eli. I actually think at some point during last season, Eli passed Peyton as my least favorite NFL player, because Eli's "aww shucks" schtick is even stupider in New York City, especially considering he ain't done shit compared to his brother. Fuck his Super Bowl ring.
TRENDSETTER: USC Trojan wide receivers have not amounted to much in the Pete Carroll era at USC, but whether or not Steve Smith can live up to the hype will determine how well the Giants do this year, and maybe next, until Nicks gets up to speed. It must suck to be the Giants Steve Smith wide receiver, because you're not even the best Steve Smith in the NFC.
TEAM ELDER: Rich Seubert joined the Giants in 2001, as an undrafted kid out of Western Illinois University.
THE RUDY: Well, obviously Seubert would be the most appropriate, but he's already claimed above. That gives me the perfect spot to highlight Antonio Pierce, who was undrafted, but actually started with the Redskins, not the Giants, and usually in this spot I prefer dudes who started with the team they're on as an undrafted fucker. But Antonio Pierce is a solid dude, and I was sad to see him go from D.C.
FORMER TROJAN: Nickelback Terrell Thomas be from USC.
VIRGINIA BOY: Man, former UVA star Chris Canty plays for the Cowboys, then goes to the Giants. That dude sucks.
WILD SAMOAN: No Samoans, so I pick Mathias Kiwanuka here, since that sounds like he's third cousins with Christian Okoye at least. He played at Boston College, who regularly get black dudes with third world names on their team, like B.J. Raji from last year's BC team. So the incredibly misleading Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: They have a dude called Guy Whimper on their roster. Guy Whimper.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Though Chase Blackburn gives him a run for his position as head of the Securities Exchange, Madison Hedgecock is the man who has membership into all the exclusive private clubs where you smoke opium out of Sitting Bull's skull and no one who has 1/64th black, Jew, or too close to the Mediterranean in them can get into.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Giants will probably scratch out another NFC East title this year, and then lose their first playoff game. I just don't see Tom Coughlin being that successful this deep into a tenure at a team.

#4: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5 last season, got a wild card invite to the playoffs where they embarrassingly lost to stupid Norv Turner and his San Diego Chargers; 12 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Them packing up and bolting Baltimore in the middle of the night is pretty much it. If you’re gonna bolt somewhere in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you pick somewhere better than fucking Indiana?
FRESH INJECTION: Well, they don’t really get free agents, so let’s just say their 1st round draft pick Donald Brown, who hopes to play the new Edgerrin James/Marshall Faulk role opposite Joseph Addai.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Well, I’d like to say Bob Sanders, who is a demon on defense, but it’s not like the Colts are infamous for their defense, though it plays well enough to allow them success. They are an offensive juggernaut for years now, and the soul of that shit is violent and racist center Jeff Saturday, who I’d love to go whitewater rafting with through West Virginia, and then be stranded, and have some dudes trying to take advantage of us, but Saturday could save us, except I’d help the West Virginia dudes fuck him up instead, gambling that my turn of sides would allow me to not be ass-raped. And who knows? Maybe I’ll get to ass-rape someone else. That’s how all good whitewater rafting trips should end.
TEAM ASS: I would say stupid fucking Peyton Manning, but I have to use him in a different category later, and for some reason I’m making myself stick to the “don’t list a dude in two categories” parameter. So I will say Adam Vinatieri is the team fuckface, because I hated him in New England, and then he went to the Colts, which is like the only team I hate more than them. Really, the only thing he could do to suck more in my mind is to build a time machine and go back in time to sign a free agent contract with Bill Walsh’s 49ers.
TRENDSETTER: How will Reggie Wayne adjust to being the new Marvin Harrison? This will decide the Colts ability to milk another run or two out of this aging collection of fuckers.
TEAM ELDER: Peyton Manning, a first round pick in 1998. I find it interesting that John Elways, who was picked by the Colts, but dickfaced his way out of it to play in Denver, was a precursor to Eli Manning, who did the same thing with San Diego to go to New York. And Peyton goes to Indianapolis as their first franchise quarterback in a quarter century in between. The NFL is so fucking fixed.
THE RUDY: Linebacker Gary Brackett is a beast from Rutgers who was undrafted into the pros because when he played at Rutgers, everybody was still all like, “Hahaha, yeah right Rutgers. The only thing good you can say about them is they’re not Temple.”
FORMER TROJAN: Defensive tackle rookie Fili Moala came from the USC, and also further skews USC out of the Samoan Pride Scoreboard.
VIRGINIA BOY: Tom Santi was Virginia’s tight end after Heath Miller, to where they were like, “He’s as good as Heath Miller, we’re like TE U here!” Except he wasn’t quite as good as Heath Miller, though good enough to be a solid contributing tight end on a pro team that loves three wide receiver sets.
WILD SAMOAN: Fili Moala may be spoken for, but they’ve still got linebacker Freddy Keiaho on this team, repping San Diego State University. Your Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1
THE ICKY: WR Pierre Garcon, which is French for Peter Guy, who also played at Division III Mount Union, which is the most dominant ass football team in college. Seriously, they’ve only lost like five games in fifteen years.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: I don’t know, Dallas Clark exploits illegally obtained soybean crop reports to do insider trading or some shit. I’m mailing some of this preview in, in case you were wondering.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They’ll finish second in the AFC South again, get a wild card berth again, and lose early in the playoffs again.

#5: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-9 last year, won the AFC West by default; 14 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: They can have whatever the fuck they want, but that crazy fucking Air Coryell offense in the ‘80s that had like four more solid TD threats than any other team in the NFL will always be the shit I think of, until dementia sets in at least.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie Larry English has all the earmarkings at small school linebacker to be the next Bryan Cox in the NFL. Plus he might be able to actually play when Shawne Merriman’s fashion show dance club party ass disappears onto the injured reserve again.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Antonio Gates is a rock solid motherfucker, and leads by example, without all the fucking hype of an L.T.
TEAM ASS: Shawne Merriman... I don’t know, something’s not quite right with that dude. I fully expect him to at some point get busted with a bunch of amyl nitrate.
TRENDSETTER: Well, it’s not a trend so much as a doomed mediocrity, but for as long as amazingly persistent yet unnotable head coach Norv Turner can do just enough to keep his job, the Chargers will underperform in the long run, yet do just enough in their crappy division to not justify hitting the reset button on themselves.
TEAM ELDER: Long snapper David Binn was an undrafted free agent onto this team in 1994, making him not only the longest tenured player for the Chargers, but I think the longest tenured player in the same city in the entire NFL.
THE RUDY: They are loaded with college free agents, such as the aforementioned Binn and Gates. Also of note is starting guard Kris Dielman, a solid Pro Bowler who plays like it’s the 1970s still.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie safety Kevin Ellison.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginia college players, but Raleigh ain’t that far away, so starting QB Philip Rivers probably hit Virginia for whatever you’d hit Virginia for if you were in North Carolina. Honestly, I can’t think of anything that would be, unless you liked assholes from New York or military kids a lot.
WILD SAMOAN: Brandon Manumaleuna continues a great Samoan tight end tradition with the Chargers that was started, and probably limited to before Manumaleuna, by Alfred Pupunu, who Dick Enberg said one time during a game, was really running with the coconut. Manumaleuna played at Arizona, and I had to retype his name 9 times in this paragraph. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Jacques Cesaire, who should be offseason homeboys with Pierre Garcon.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Antwan Applewhite is rich, bitch, from defense contracts with the navy.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Chargers should win the AFC West, even if half their players concuss themselves retarded, but will lose out early in the playoffs.

#6: DALLAS COWBOYS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year; for some reason considered 14 to 1 odds to win the Super bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Michael Irvin and two other players have sex with a whore, doing crack with her, and videotaping the whole affair, that’s the Cowboys in a nutshell.
FRESH INJECTION: Welcome to Dallas Jon Kitna.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Jason Witten is a gangsta ass white dude, which means lots of rednecks around here wear his jersey.
TEAM ASS: With T.O. gone, Roy Williams inherits his title of self-absorbed piece of shit, although to be fair, he’s not half the piece of shit T.O. is.
TRENDSETTER: Truly the trendsetter for this team is Jerry Jones and his own personal wackiness. Does he delusionally think this team should be in the Super Bowl, or will he be happy with a solidly high mediocre season, which would be pretty impressive considering Ralph Wiggum was not fired as head coach.
TEAM ELDER: Flozell Adams was a 2nd round pick in 1998.
THE RUDY: Tony Romo, that cute little fucker, he was an undrafted college free agent in 2003, out of Eastern Illinois University.
FORMER TROJAN: Kickoff specialist David Buehler came from the Trojans. Even their kickers are getting in the NFL.
VIRGINIA BOY: Tight end John Phillips was the latest and leastest claim to UVA’s Tight End U title.
WILD SAMOAN: Defensive tackle Junior Siavii, from Oregon. Big dudes named Junior tend to be okay dudes. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii, Oregon, and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Igor Olshansky, some sort of Romanian feral child grown up I think.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Orlando Scandrick straight got paid off of oil derricks. Now he owns white slaves in Brazil.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Dallas will finish 3rd in the NFC East, and not go to the playoffs, and Ralph Wiggum will cry a funny cry on the sidelines.

#7: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
PERTINENT DATA: 11-7-1 last season, and made a run to the NFC Championship game before finally losing; 16 to 1 odds to win it all this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: When the Redskins played the Eagles a few years back, drunken Eagles fans took over part of Fedex Field, and security had to pepper spray the crowd, which caught the wind and floated onto the field. That’s the Eagles for you.
FRESH INJECTION: Michael Vick is my man and I solidly support him because who amongst us who is a regular guy with a normal sized dick doesn’t like to watch the dogfights? People need to stop being so white.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Brian Westbrook carries this team at times, and he does so quietly and usually half-hobbled by an assortment of Homer Simpson-esque injuries.
TEAM ASS: Let’s go with Andy Reid, because he’s a fat fuck and was so concerned with football all his sons ended up degenerates who are probably braiding hair in jail by now.
TRENDSETTER: Will Jeremy Maclin develop into a legit WR threat, or will they still just flow with the go of one for-real WR, a white dude, and a third dude, like they’ve done for years now?
TEAM ELDER: Donovan McNabb was a first round draft pick in 1999, although David Akers was a free agent addition that same offseason.
THE RUDY: Safety Quintin Mikell was undrafted out of Boise State in 2003, and his intensity was part of the reason the Eagles let Brian Dawkins go.
FORMER TROJAN: Defensive tackle Mike Patterson came from USC.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie cornerback Macho Harris was out of Virginia Tech, as well as high school ball in Richmond, and I’m sad he has to play for such a fuckfaced team.
WILD SAMOAN: Tackle Fenuki Tupou, a rookie from Oregon, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Oregon - 5, Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Sav Rocca is a nice name, sounding like some shit from a Cormac McCarthy book.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Stanford Keglar’s family built the first bank in America, right in downtown Philadelphia.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They will finish second to the Giants in the NFC East, but I actually expect them to make the Super Bowl. Man, I pick the Eagles and the Patriots in the Super Bowl... real fucking bold, hunh?

#8: TENNESSEE TITANS
PERTINENT DATA: 13-4 last season, won the AFC South, but lost to Ravens in the wild card round; 18 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: That wacky miracle play against Buffalo is the Titans to me. I’ve always kinda liked them, but never really go out of my way to see them.
FRESH INJECTION: Nate Washington is allegedly going to give Kerry Collins someone to throw the football too more regularly, and hopefully not call “nigger”.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Jevon Kearse has been off and on this roster forever, and he’s a role player now, granted, but he’s also like an on-field enforcer for Jeff Fisher.
TEAM ASS: Poor Vince Young. Who would’ve thought a half-retarded guy getting by purely on his raw athleticism wouldn’t cut it as an NFL quarterback? I mean, he was never more than half as good as Michael Vick to start with.
TRENDSETTER: Jeff Fisher has been coaching forever, and his desire to stay desirous will chart this team’s course, because at this point it’s hard to imagine they’d ever get rid of him until he wins a Super Bowl or dies.
TEAM ELDER: Punter Craig Hentrich joined the team in 1998 as a free agent from Green Bay.
THE RUDY: In a back field highlighted by LenDale White and Chris Johnson, undrafted rugged and raw assed Ahmard Hall has made some noise as a blocking fullback who can catch passes as well.
FORMER TROJAN: My man LenDale White, who shed a ton of pounds simply by not drinking Patron anymore.
VIRGINIA BOY: Vincent Fuller is one of many former Virginia Tech Hokie defensive backs floating around below the bold starter portions of NFL depth charts, probably due to their special teams prowess playing under Frank Beamer.
WILD SAMOAN: Final dude will be the ultimate NFL Samoan of the past decade - Kevin Mawae, who played at LSU. The final standings on the Samoan Pride Scorebard are: Oregon - 5, Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, LSU, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1. Congratulation Oregon, for being an alternative to Mormon schools or staying stuck off the mainland.
THE ICKY: Alge Crumpler has, for years, been an All-Pro NFL Fucked-Up Name.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Corland Finnegan is in with the Jews who run country music in Nashville, who were brought in by Garth Brooks originally to work their Jew magic in a backwoods branch of the music industry.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They’ll edge out the Colts to win the AFC South, and then lose right away in the playoffs.

100 VINYLZ: #60 - Will the Circle Be Unbroken 3xLP by The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

(1972, EMI Records)
If you have a friend who thinks they might like bluegrass, buy them this. Never has a more perfect genre starter collection been made. It features everybody who defined bluegrass music before bluegrass music meant college kids drinking PBRs and doing Pink Floyd covers on mandolins. I’m not even hating on that whole newgrass movement either, because it has a good purpose (mostly for being played over any city’s trendy hipster breakfast joint sound system), but there’s something about bonafide bluegrass music, the kind that old guys who wear suits to sing about Jesus at riverside funerals play, that’s lost by younger folks who’d never go to church playing it or weird-looking kinda New York-seeming dudes like Marty Stuart or Tony Rice doing it. All of that is too far removed from the mountains, and, for me, bluegrass music is a quasi-religious way of expressing the immense trapped frustration of being a broke ass on the side of a mountain where you get all crazy from the steep hills all the time. Seriously. Mountain people are crazy, and that’s why they made the world’s only thrash metal acoustic gospel music. It’s the same reason they handled snakes, drank strychnine, and love the smell of crushed oxycontins.

100 VINYLZ: #61 - Big City LP by Merle Haggard

(1981, Epic Records)
Two stages of my life this one reaches into, as it’s one of many albums I jacked from my folks record collection. Once I moved away to Richmond for college, that “Big City” song spoke to me a little differently, once I was old enough to admit all country music didn’t suck (although most of it does). And then, I was couch crashing between a trailer I shared with a dude in Farmville on Lindy Hamlett’s tobacco farm, and my girlfriend’s big ol’ haunted house across from Chimborazo Park in Church Hill, and she got pregnant, so we got a for-real house place together, renting from that fat ugly bitch who’s ripped off college kids in Oregon Hill for decades now, and we weren’t going to get married until it was our time, because we were committed, but then the midwife said my name wouldn’t be on the birth certificate at that point in Virginia state law unless I went to court afterwards and got it added, and it just seemed pretty goddamned trifling. So we went downtown Richmond, got a marriage license, found a dude in Chesterfield near Bon Air who did the justice of the peace thing, went to his house, and he married us. Afterwards, he told us how he had cancer and was gonna die so was going to ride his Harley leisurely cross-country for a few months that spring, then come home to die with his family. We had him take pictures of the moment with a camera my grandmother gave us that probably was a free gift from a Reader’s Digest subscription, so a few weeks later when I went to remove the film, the camera broke, I go in the closet to try and roll it back up hoping it didn’t get too exposed, but it did.
Anyways, on the ride back to our house, wife 8-months pregnant, me 7-months sober, we were listening to the Legend AM 950 on the AM radio, and they played “Big City”, and I had put that on a mixtape for my wife the year before. It made sense to show up, since being stuck in the middle of Richmond wasn’t us or where we were supposed to be, but that’s where we were at. And “Big City” covered it all.
It was only about two years earlier that after a party where everyone took shrooms, me and my eventual wife, who weren’t even dating really, “borrowed” her friend’s minivan, gathered up our dogs, I took my last $180 out the bank, and we co-opted a fifth of Jack Daniels green label from the party, and headed west, ultimate goal was Montana. She passed out in the passenger seat around Staunton, and I gave up finally around Clifton Forge, almost to West Virginia, riding the middle lane of I-64 for long late night stretches. We slept behind a K-Mart strip mall, woke up, ate breakfast at some joint, and came back. “Big City” covered that, running away to Montana. So it made perfect sense to us coming home from the cancer-of-the-peace dude’s house. Across the street from our rented dump was Mamma Zu’s in Richmond, and the rich folks rolled in nightly, clogging up the street with cars obviously not owned by locals. We went up and had dinner there, the only time we ever paid for a meal there. I had a zine back then where I talked shit about the place and the rich assholes that came there, so the owner, being a pretty strange dude, came to our house once he found out who I was who wrote that, and gave us a coupon to eat there once a month for free, forever. We did a lot when the first born was still a baby, but once we moved, we haven’t been back in years. Every year, on our legal anniversary, we talk about going back, wondering if the owner would be around and still hook us up, thinking about that moment in our lives. This album, and the title song, is pretty much our wedding photo from then, and always will be.

Laid Back and Wasted

Dying looks easy, drifting gets harder, I don't know which one to do.

100 VINYLZ: #62 - The Pick, The Sickle, and the Shovel 2xLP by The Gravediggaz

(1997, Gee Street Records)
Prince Paul, who has never had a down period, and RZA, before he started believing his own gimmick too much, together, at their peak at this group. I know the first Gravediggaz gets jocked heavily for the whole horror rap groundbreaking, even though I’m pretty sure Esham had been getting down in Detroit for a while, as had Ganksta Nip down in Houston. Oh yeah, that’s not New York-based, so it doesn’t count. I think that first album doesn’t even begin to compare to this double LP, although there was a lot of 4th Disciple production on here, and I’m still of the belief 4th Disciple might’ve been better at what RZA did best than RZA was. 4th Disciple didn’t have the wide variety, nor the massive output like RZA, and he didn’t do the stuff off of Enter the 36 Chambers (I don’t think), but man, when it came to that semi-scientific street level Illuminati-exposing paranoia bap beat style, 4th Disciple was the shit.
I still pull this out from time to time, and I have to ask, oh dear anonymous internet people, is there anybody with a better lifetime of hip hop-related offerings than Prince Paul? Don’t sleep on the Dino 5 either. That’s my 5-year-old’s favorite shit right there. “I may be big and scary, but I’m really pretty nice... I may be big and scary, but I’m really pretty nice...” all day long, skipping around the kitchen.

100 VINYLZ: #63 - Detroit 7-inch by Paul Humphrey & His Cool Aid Chemists

(1969, Lizard Records)
I got this digging through the 7-inches somewhere or another, seeing the whole Cool-
Aid vibe (also the name of the B-track, "Cool Aid"), and I was down. I used to drink the fuck out some Kool-Aid, even in college. I actually had a zine one time that you could only get with 20 Kool-Aid points, and I don't even remember why I was trying to accumulate them points, probably for something wacky and ironic. I am a thirtysomething type dude who was labelled by the mass marketing machine as "Gen-X", so back then, that's how I rolled, wanting to sport Kool-Aid gear as a semi-grown folk.
Well, this was at some point coming into my life, as a big stack of 45s, and I remember playing the "Detroit" song and it being the fucking funk instrumental shit. Except the other side is even better, just minus the semi-cliché sounds of the cityscape in the background, and I was sold, telling myself about my $10 jukebox of perpetual brokenness, “This shit definitely makes the rotation of 100.” It’s a literal rotation too, as basically it’s a big slotted fan, like if an old school metal fan’s protective grating was actually the thing that spun around, and you slide the records into the slots. Paul Humphrey and his potnas would be in my jukebox without a threat of getting pulled out forever, plus two weekends. I’ve never heard anything else by this guy.
I think it was in that Scratch movie, maybe the DJ Z-Trip set, he played this song. Or he might’ve been an opening act on the Brainfreeze DVD about DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist doing their infamous rare soul 45s mega-sets years ago. Yeah, I think that was it, because it would make sense for Z-Trip to play this there, in that 45 format, than on Scratch, where he goes on for too long about beats per minute and blah blah blah. I have to admit, before I really knew who he was, and he played the next-to-last set at the first Bonnaroo, and we were sitting on top of a truck, fucked up as fuck, feeding what some vending ass fratboy hippie called “pizza” to my 2-year-old kid (it was french bread sliced in half, into pieces, with tomato sauce smeared on top, and cheap plastic bottle parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, cooked in an actual gas oven from like a kitchen he somehow had rigged up behind a 4Runner), and Z-Trip came out and did his thing, it cracked the cranium. I mean, he never dug deeper than surface levels of different genres, but that introduced me to the “mash-up” in a perfectly inebriated environment, and it felt like some next level shit was going on. I think that’s the thing about new things and guys like Z-Trip in the age of ifnormation overload... eventually somebody interviews you and you sound like a fucking dumbass. That’s what broke up my last rap group, the producer guy was pretty intent on taking interviews seriously and sounding like a fucking dumbass, even though we never did shit except make a couple good songs. Fuck people who take what they do so seriously at such an early stage. Twenty years down the road, if your shit sticks to the wall longer than momentarily, then yeah, go for it, be serious and lay down the history. But if something’s brand new and you’re trying to hype up how you do it like Montell Jordan, you’re just gonna look chumpy, and whatever you’re doing is gonna be played the fuck out pretty fast. Music is more than just the music; it’s the whole ambiance, the idea of what you’re listening to behind the music. You want to believe it’s some crazy assed shit behind what you’re listening to, not some dorky ass dude sitting there, thinking about it too hard all the time, trying to find a slice of self-esteem for his downtrodden psyche.

D.C. Sports Bog

I guess there's sports related things other than the Redskins from D.C., such as Nationals dorkery and Ovechkin love.
Also, the Washington Post should just give Fred Smoot a sports column, then they wouldn't have to pay that Steinberg guy anymore.

100 VINYLZ: #64 - So What'cha Want 12-inch by The Beastie Boys

(1992, Capitol Records)
I ain't gonna front... back in the day when the Cypress Hill/House of Pain/Beastie Boys connection was made through the drug-induced hallucinatory doowop boom bap beatlosophy of DJ Muggs, I was 100% down. I had my stocking hat pulled down low on my eyebrows, even in the summer time, bro. Cypress Hill pretty much had just blown the fuck up completely, and wasn't yet a cartoon live action animation of itself ("OF ITSELF!" would be what Sen Dogg yells in your head right there). And even though the skinheads had pretty heavily embraced House of Pain and every motherfucker in Richmond was drinking either 22 oz. Hornets or the little stubby Mickey's bottles and throwing them through the windows of the abandoned factory across the street from their shitty assed apartment back then, Everlast hadn't hated upon DJ Quik and killed himself off into a folk sing-rapper EZ listening mainstay yet. And even the Beastie Boys still seemed relevant. I am a contrarian ass fucker, and hate many things for no explainable reason, other than I know something turned from fresh to sour, and often times that has as much to do with the real life chump-mans who cross my little circles across the surface of the earth ball as it does the musical artists themselves, although I stand by the belief that you get the type of fans you probably deserve. And Check Your Head was the last Beastie Boys CD I accept as acceptable... everything after that was a little too corny for my tastes. This might be partially attributable to me going to a party up in northern Virginia where a bunch of soulless suburban kids, all my age, were hanging out and kept bumping Beasties and gave me my first taste of Rage Against the Machine, which I will forever associate with a completely impotent and theatrical form of affluent revolution play to make one feel better about their inherited position of comfort amongst human life on this planet. There's not a real fucking ounce of threat to anything in Rage Against the Machine, and it's usually preaching to the converted. I would bet out of the 25 faux-revolutionaries bumping that shit that night at that gay assed party, at least 90% of them rocked Obama bumper stickers on some sort of unblemished vehicle last fall, and at least half of them shop at Whole Foods. Or fuck, if you count Trader Joe's lightweight Whole Foods vibe, I bet 90% of them hit one or the other, or both. Change through consumption, where you buy into altering the landscape, literally, instead of actually getting your hands dirty, or better yet, bloody. Organic, boneless chicken breasts are kosher, because there's nothing dirty about that at all, right?
Anyways, I was still into the Beasties, and at this point me and Brown still made the walk down to downtown Broad Street Willie's (R.I.P.), and 12-inch singles still offered unreleased remixes or bonus tracks instead of the standard Clean/Street/Instrumental with an occasional instrumental it went to before producers got a big head about their beats and reduced it to just Clean/Street singles with not a fucking thing of extra value. And the "So What'cha Want" single has great extras, like that Biz Markie song from Check Your Head, plus him doing some retarded Biz freestyle on another track. But the real deal Holyfield on this single is the Muggs remix, before Muggs got too hung up on his "signature" sound (which was before he got too hung up on his alleged "mash-up" ingeniuty) of the nerve-plucked horn blasts. The remix he does of "So What'cha Want" throbs in your brain like a good four-paneled hit of acid with just the right amount of strychnine mixed in to keep you feeling achy in your joints and extra restless until a few meandering hours after the effects of the high had maxed out. (Fuck it, take another, make a weekend of it bro.) And then at the end, after the Beasties have their fuzzed out tracks transplanted on top of this new brain-plucking beat, in comes B-Real aggro stoner with a clothespin on his nose style, crystal clear, kicking a blast of a verse that really just makes it one of the great remixes of forever. I can still play that shit at a party, and being I know a lot of white ass people who dabble but don't dip into the hip hop, they'll recognize the lyrics from the Beastie Boys, and enjoy the psychedelicate beat behind it, and then when B-Real comes in, folks are like, "Man, what is this? This is awesome?" And then some dude with dreadlocks will be like, "Yeah, I remember this. This is awesome." And he'll be full of shit, like most white dudes with dreadlocks are, which is why I don't have them anymore, because it lead to too many long conversations with people I didn't respect even briefly, and too many "yeah whatever" eyes from a few folks I would've liked to kick it with, except not really at the same time. I kick it in the camper, a solitary stick figure, a hobo with a home, which could be shortened to homebo, which is oddly close enough to homo, which yeah... a white guy with a blog talking long-winded shit about music into the tremendous chasm of 2009 attention span.

NFL Preseason Preview: Upper Middle Class

Another fucking week already. Man, I’ll be glad to be done with these long ass previews. I did all the looking up bullshit, and now am already so depressed for football season to start that it’s hard to motivate to finish these up since I know the fucking Redskins are gonna suck. Oh well. These are the upper middle half of the NFL, teams that could very easily make a run into the playoffs, or very easily have a key injury and flame the fuck out completely. So let’s get to it...

#9: MINNESOTA VIKINGS
PERTINENT DATA: 10-7 last season, won the NFC North, lost to the Eagles at home in the wild card round; 20 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Vikings have always, in my life, seemed like black quarterback central, where a brother can get under center and make some noise with a high-powered offense. Warren Moon had a good couple final years there. Randall Cunningham had a solid run. Daunte Culpepper made his only mark on the league there. That’s one of the reasons I don’t understand why they didn’t just embrace Tarvaris Jackson, with Adrian Peterson and then Percy Harvin. They should’ve just opened it the fuck up and got wild.
FRESH INJECTION: Guess you can’t really say anything except Brett Favre, which is funny because it’s probably gonna fuck their team up this year, and all because good ole boy Favre has a hard-on to diss the Packers. It’ll be funny if he ends up leading the Vikings to a solid second place finish behind those Packers. Were I a Viking fan, I wouldn’t trust that shit for a split second.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Pat and Kevin Williams are too really giant, good-natured, unrelated black dudes, who set the soul of the defense. Defense runs this team too. If the offense can just add a little bit of flair without fumbling, defense should be able to handle business enough for some noise.
TEAM ASS: I know a goofy white dude with a mullet is supposed to be funny and hahaha throwback all that shit, but honestly, Jared Allen is a goddamned fool. I come from ignorant rural types and that ignorance runs through my bloodstream, and you can watch a five-minute interview with Jared Allen and see he’s a fucking chump ass. This will all be proven at some point in the future though, so I’m not hating.
TRENDSETTER: Adrian Peterson’s ability to not get broken in the knees, especially since he’s a tiny ass dude, will determine how good this team can be, this year and in the coming ones. He sort of seems like he could be a Terrell Davis type who has a good as fuck but short run, especially if they keep leaning on the dude too hard. At least the Vikings had the sense to keep Chester Taylor around to spell A.P.
TEAM ELDER: Jim Kleinsasser was a 2nd round pick in 1999, out of North Dakota. Man, that dude’s like a white football god up there, playing college ball at North Dakota, then having a long, blue collar career as a block tight end/fullback in the NFL for the Vikings. I bet Kleinsasser has clocked himself some Scandinavian squarehead ass in his day.
THE RUDY: Starting guard and capable center Anthony Herrera came into Vikings camp in 2004 undrafted as fuck.
FORMER TROJAN: Well, John David Booty is there, but probably won’t be on opening day unless Favre, Jackson, or Sage Rosenfels gets a season-ending injury, so let’s go with back-up offensive lineman Drew Radovich, who was on injured reserve himself all last year, his first season.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginia boys on the roster. Way back-up QB Sean Glennon was from Virginia Tech, but he was the longshot that got dropped to make a roster spot for Favre. I read a good article about how his NFL dream pretty much died when Favre signed, because he had already been in Vikings camp a few weeks, and no team really gambles on a 4th-string QB halfway through training camp like that. In lieu of an actual Virginian, I’ll list E.J. Henderson, who played just across the Lameass/Dixon line in Maryland. He even got his younger brother on the team this year.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting fullback Naufahu Tahi, the perfect position for a Samona. He played, of course, at Brigham Young. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young, Penn State, Utah - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: This is a tough one. Visanthe Shiancoe is a great fucking name, but Sage Rosenfels may be an All-Pro level retarded ass name in the NFL. He sounds like a hippie Jewish meditation guru type who lets younger families live on his organic turkey farm, and he just ends up fucking the wife of the young couples, and ruining their families. But he meditates daily, so is so righteous, meaning a pretentious piece of shit.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Otis Grigsby helped start Greyhound bus lines in the 1920s, and cashed in well before it turned into a social degenerate form of transportation.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Vikings are too good not to do well, even if the wheels comes off the offense. They’ll win the NFC North again this year, but will probably flame out immediately in the playoffs, again this year.

#10: CAROLINA PANTHERS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5 last season, won the NFC South; 20 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: At the time the Panthers became a new franchise, I was in personal philosophical loyalty battle, after having got to know the different sectors of Virginia better during college, about whether my run-down, dilapidated part of Virginia was really Virginia or not. Piedmont or southside Virginia, as well as southwest, are kinda the neglected bastard children left to their own demise by the more affluent northern Virginia and Tidewater regions. I identified the Redskins with northern Virginians, and really, where I grew up is more like North Carolina than Virginia. In fact, I maintain to this day that the south doesn't really begin until somewhere in the middle of the Richmond city limits, probably five or six blocks north of Broad Street, where Hawk's used to be (and I hope is still there... good ass lake trout up in that bitch). Well, when the Panthers came out, I was actually contemplating abandoning the Redskins for the Panthers, being I can accept a move to a new team if it's a brand new team, it's not a bandwagon jump, and you stick with it. Similarly, I adopted the Nationals as my baseball team when they relocated to D.C. as my ties to the San Francisco Giants were minimal, childish, and didn't mean much to me emotionally. Anyways, I ended up sticking with the Skins (bad move in retrospect), but I've always rooted for the Panthers. That first time they made the playoffs and had the home game with Kevin Greene running around the ring of the stadium with a giant Panthers flag after they won, that will always be what I think of the Panthers as. I've never been as excited by pro football as that moment, and they will always be my 2nd team that I always root for.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie Florida State Criminole Everette Brown should combine with Julius Peppers to make for one helluva outside rushing threat on the D-line. Too bad Peppers wants to bolt right away. Them dudes could cause some damage.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Shit man, who else? Steve Smith is one bad motherfucker, all the way around. Who else in the NFL could break a defensive back's face during practice, get suspended by the team, and still somehow turn it all into a positive and be even more of a team leader, like Smith did last year? Dude is on another level, and every football team wishes they had a Steve Smith character with Steve Smith skills.
TEAM ASS: I find Jake Delhomme rather bothersome since the whole Waterboy nonsense has lost its humor. But they haven't really committed to a quality second-stringer at all, so he's the man. And I guess if Jake Delhomme is the worst thing on your team, it ain't that bad.
TRENDSETTER: Jonathan Stewart, one half of the Double Trouble tailback combo with DeAngelo Williams. Williams is getting pre-season Pro Bowl hype this year, but Stewart, only in his second year, is as much of a workhorse, and a silent, chill dude. If he can be a first-tier RB and play his role with calmness (think about how Larry Johnson got all bitchy when he was the young back-up to Priest Holmes in Kansas City), the Panthers could be a tough old school mentality team on offense, for a few more years until Smith is done.
TEAM ELDER: Kicker John Kasay's been the team's foot since 1995. Was that the year they started? I can't remember, but if it wasn't, it was pretty close.
THE RUDY: Straight up Rudy style, in 2000, Brad Hoover signed as an undrafted free agent, out of nearby Western Carolina University, made the team, special teamed his way onto the field, and now has been their starting fullback for a few years now, though he might lose that spot this year.
FORMER TROJAN: Starting center Ryan Kalil is a former Trojan, and friend of Will Ferrell.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech Hokie Jeff King starts at TE for the Panthers, and he's old school - white, ugly, blocks like a dickhead, and will average about 0 yards after the catch, not counting incidental forward stumbles.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting nose tackle Maake Kemoeatu, 345 pounds of Polynesian Controlled Chaos, out of University of Utah Utes. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Na'il Diggs is a great name, both in pronunciation as well as it how it looks in print. I have always wondered if he is related to the Wu-Tang Clan.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: The Panthers had a good draft class of guys who sound like Industrial Age tycoons, getting Duke Robinson in the fifth round. But the obvious fake-billionaire who exploited chemical additives in tobacco cigarettes to create a tremendous evil empire that has had to scale back in America yet pushes its toxic wares in full-press mode in developing parts of the World is rookie cornerback Captain Munnerlyn.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Panthers offense will only be limited by Delhomme, who is of course the most important guy there. Their defense is on a down-swing, but will be as good as Julius Peppers is motivated to lead it to be. I don't know, it kind of seems like they might be getting ready for a downfall though, especially as shitty as they looked losing to the Cardinals in the playoffs at home last year. I think they're gonna stumble to around .500 and finish 3rd in the tough NFC South.

#11: CHICAGO BEARS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year; 20 to 1 to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Evil crazy linebackers with bugged out eyeballs in ominous black jerseys is what I think of when I think of the Bears. Dick Butkus and Mike Singletary, haunting Bushwick Bill in his dreams while robbing little kids of Halloween candy.
FRESH INJECTION: Chez Whitey Jay Cutler brings an abundance of hope to retarded Bears fans everywhere, who no longer have to hope Devin Hester returns 3 kicks for touchdowns for them to possibly win. Cutler looks too much like a fucking dumbass fratboy though to be as successful as he's supposed to be.
DRUNKEN SOUL: For me, since he's a for-real drunk, Lance Briggs is the team's drunken soul.
TEAM ASS: Brian Urlacher looks like a state trooper and acts like a fucking cock. In my opinion, he's also overrated as fuck. But hey, he's got the closet racist fans of the Bears all hyped up that he's the second coming of Butkus, so you guys roll to another disappointing defensive season behind his alleged intensity.
TRENDSETTER: If Devin Hester can defy logic and not only be more than the #2 receiver he probably really is, to become their #1 receiver, without a real #2 to back him up, then the Bears will do tremendous. This is asking a lot of a guy who isn't really a receiver for any other reason than the coaches got tired of waiting for the other team to have to punt to him.
TEAM ELDER: The football is veteran-protected in Chicago, as both starting center Olin Kreutz and designated long snapper Patrick Mannelly came to the Bears from the 1998 draft.
THE RUDY: Rashied Davis was an undrafted receiver out of San Jose State in 2005, and made the team, and even started most of last year. This is probably as much a testament to how shitty the Bears' receivers are as to Davis's heart.
FORMER TROJAN: For some reason, the Bears have no former USC Trojans, yet have like 3 or 4 dudes who played at San Jose State. I don't understand that at all, but we will identify former San Jose State Cybercat Jarron Gilbert in this spot, as a guy who is a guy.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech back Kevin Jones carves out a niche as second RB who can catch passes well, and block well, and just generally be not quite good enough to start but too good to let go.
WILD SAMOAN: Rookie cornerback Al Afalava, with my favorite rookie Samoan name. He played for the neon Oregon Ducks, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Oregon, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Israel Idonije has been the best name on this team for four or five years.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Hunter Hillenmeyer's family helped make Chicago a hub for the U.S.'s expansion west, and were behind the main railyards being laid out with freemasonic symbolism as a subliminal control factor over the city's future. "Moloch" is actually engraved in stone inside the city's oldest, prominent train station.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Bears should be able to stumble into a .500 or season, but will probably finish 3rd in the NFC North.

#12: BALTIMORE RAVENS
PERTINENT DATA: 13-6 last year, got a wild card invite to the AFC playoffs, which they parlayed all the way into a divisional showdown in the conference championship game against the Steelers, which they of course lost; 22 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Ray Lewis's stupid pre-game dance is what the Ravens mean to me - retarded-looking, not very attractive, yet really confident about everything, enough so that it tricks people into thinking what you're doing is really great.
FRESH INJECTION: New center Matt Birk is a monster in the middle, and with a high profile rookie addition in Michael Oher at right tackle too, they might actually be even more surprisingly good this year.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Ed Reed is a fucking beast, combining headhunter and ballhawk so fluidly on defense.
TEAM ASS: Ray Lewis is a fucking chump, however. I am not a really white person, all shocked at how Lewis could still be playing after full-length white fur coats stabbing incidents in Atlanta or anything. I understand that when dudes are wearing full-length fur coats with matching fur hats, motherfuckers might end up getting stabbed in the general vicinity. That's life. I just find Ray Lewis highly annoying. Plus his facial structure is creepy, like he's a black Russian or something. But I set the ridiculous parameter that I could only list a dude once, and Lewis is the longest-tenured player on the Ravens, so let's just say I think Willis McGahee is a dick too.
TRENDSETTER: Is Joe Flacco for real? If he is, then the Ravens are already better than they were when they won the Super Bowl.
TEAM ELDER: Ray Lewis was a 1996 draft pick for the Ravens.
THE RUDY: Edgar Jones comes in from Southeast Missouri State in 2007, makes the team, and in true blue collar Rudy-esque fashion, can play LB or TE, plus special teams.
FORMER TROJAN: No Trojans on the Ravens either, so we shall recognize back-up CB Frank Walker, the only player in the NFL right now from Tuskegee University.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie RB Cedric Peerman was one of the best post-Tiki Barber backs UVA ever had.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting nose tackle Haloti Ngata is probably the ultimate personifacation of big Samoan run stuffer in the league right now. He played at Oregon too, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1. See what I was saying about the Mormon/Samoan connection?
THE ICKY: Yamon Figurs, I think, was part of Marlo Stanfield's crew.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: William VanDeSteeg's grandfathers made their bones controlling the shipping trade in Baltimore's Inner Harbor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: As good as they will probably be, the Ravens will still only be 2nd best in the AFC North, and contending for another wild card spot.

#13: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year; 25 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Infamous drunken dudes with bag over heads representing their fandom in mostly empty stadiums. Also, to a lesser extent, 26-inch rims being referred to as Deuce McAllisters, though with Deuce gone now, that'll fade from my pop culture smorgasbord of a brain soon enough.
FRESH INJECTION: Darren Sharper at safety gives the Saints defense something to go along with that "should be way better this year" hype they've had the past three or four years in a row - a solid bro of a veteran who can examplify the good shit for the young bucks.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Drew Brees is one of those rare QBs who is the solid heart of a team. Lots of times the QB is the star and he's expected to perform on another level when it comes to media attention, but Brees actually seems to have dudes behind him, even asshole linebackers and thug d-linemen, to where they roll thick, in spirit at least.
TEAM ASS: Jeremy Shockey should be thankful Terrell Owens has not retired yet, or else Shockey'd be the biggest fucking douchebag in the NFL. It's not simple actions that cause me to hate Shockey, but when you look at pics of him, you can see in his eyes that everything is not firing, some positive ions are missing in too many of his chromosones. And yet he's a big, strong goon of a man. It's scary. I foresee post-career criminal tragedies in his life.
TRENDSETTER: Is Sean Payton truly a genius? Or is he just the latest in a long line of mediocre Saints coaches? We shall see.
TEAM ELDER: Defensive end Charles Grant was a first round draft pick in 2002.
THE RUDY: Undrafted kid out of Illinois in 2007 named Pierre Thomas scraps his way onto the roster, set deep in the depth charts behind Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush, yet led the team in rushing and scored 9 TDs last year.
FORMER TROJAN: Reggie Bush has been a celebrity magazine superstar, waxing Kim Kardashian's big ass on the regular, showing off his unthreatening twinkly eyes, yet on the field of football, he's not really anything more than a 3rd down back, and not even the greatest at that.
VIRGINIA BOY: Sharper played at small ass William & Mary (same place Mike Tomlin came from), but I already listed him once. So let's go with former Va. Tech Hokie (and former Washington Redskin) Pierson Prioleau, solid special teamsing secondary specialist.
WILD SAMOAN: The linguistics of his name sounds like maybe it's not Polynesian, but he is a nose tackle, so the man here, lacking an obvious candidate, will be Remi Ayodele. Actually, scratch that, they have a fullback with an ever more questionable name in Olaniyi Sobomehin, from Portland State. This is the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: No competition here, with reserve tackle Jermon Bushrod on the roster. I think I saw that in a scat porn flick one time.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Roman Harper's ancestors made tons of money through the organic slave movement, which, while everyone else was using forced labor brought through New Orleans mostly in the antebellum south, the Harper clan was offering cheap, hired labor to more progressive thinking capitalists. The benefits were numerous, as without slave status, the owner was not forced to feed, clothe, and shelter the slave, thus cuttting overhead down tremendously. You take the money you would've spent on that, give them a third of it as fair wages, and you make a killing, without literally having blood on your hands. It's a method that's been utilized beneficially by the upper classes ever since the Industrial Revolution. Too bad we can't train livestock to take care of themselves.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Even though it's a tough, evenly matched division, I think the Saints will do well and win the NFC South. They'll flame out in the playoffs immediately, but with Gregg Williams taking charge of the defense that is always supposed to improve, they should be a solid team this year.

#14: ATLANTA FALCONS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-6 last year, an NFC wild card team that lost their first shocking playoff game post-Mike Vick; 25 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Atlanta Falcons will always mean one and only one thing to me - Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Shake them legs, White Shoes, shake 'em.
FRESH INJECTION: How the fuck do you have a surprisingly good season, and then go out and snag Tony Gonzalez looking to make a sweet two-year swan song? It's like their the Patriots south.
DRUNKEN SOUL: The beast-like and amusing John Abraham is the man. His personality fits a chocolate city full of soul like Atlanta so much more than stink-ass New Jersey-flavored New York Jets-style New York City.
TEAM ASS: I can't even remember his name, but that dude who was briefly the coach then bolted when the Vick thing happened and now coaches some shit ass SEC team for a year or two before he goes somewhere else, that's the team ass here. I don't understand dudes making immediate lateral moves and how bad it looks and how it shortens your career's potential earnings. I know Nick Saban is the model held up, but look at Saban, yeah he flamed out in Miami, but at least he's settling in at Alabama instead of making a quick lateral move to like Michigan or some shit. It's ridiculous. Even stupid fucking Steve Spurrier has the sense to realize a multi-million dollar yearly gig in the sunshine of South Carolina is a sweet deal to not be rocked with.
TRENDSETTER: Matt Ryan aka Matty Ice will have to show if his rookie phenom status was lightning in a bottle or something serious. He seems to be solid, but shit man, how many QBs show promise and then suck?
TEAM ELDER: Starting center Todd McClure was a 7th round draft pick out of LSU in 1999.
THE RUDY: They have an undrafted four-year punter out of Western Washington University, but come on, punters? Back-up cornerback Brent Grimes has bounced in and out of Atlanta's roster fringes since 2006 out of Shippensburg, and may very well not be on the roster by the time you read this. Or he may. That is the nature of the NFL Rudy.
FORMER TROJAN: Tackle Sam Baker all up in his second season as a USC football alum.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up RB Jason Snelling came out of UVA who has blue collared his way into a third year in the NFL.
WILD SAMOAN: In lieu of actual Polynesians, I will highlight rookie fullback Ovie Mughelli, whos name is pretty damn funky as well. He played at Wake Forest, so the really misleading Samoan Pride Scorebard stands at: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: My main man, Jamaal Fudge.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Lawrence Sidbury's family was prominent all up on Peachtree Street, back to the days of streetcars and slave auctions.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Falcons should be good enough for real to finish second in the NFC South, probably just missing out on an NFC wild card berth.

#15: ARIZONA CARDINALS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-8 last year, NFC West champions, who made a near-miraculous run into the Super Bowl, where they got spanked; 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Cardinals playing in front of a mostly empty stadium with those drunk dudes always sitting on the rocks behind the stadium to watch the game even though they'd probably just let them in for free, that's the Cardinals to me.
FRESH INJECTION: Bryant McFadden makes the odd free agent switch from Super Bowl champion to the team they beat last year in the Super Bowl.
DRUNKEN SOUL: If you watched the end of last season, or looked at the cover of 75% of the 13,000 NFL-related magazines at the store this summer, it has to be fairly obvious that Larry Fitzgerald is the soul of this team. He even restructured his contract to try and keep Anquan Boldin happy.
TEAM ASS: You know what? Fuck Kurt Warner and his Jesus-happy, old gunslinger bullshit. I was sick of him a decade ago.
TRENDSETTER: Is Ken Whisenhunt truly a coaching genius who has brought life to a long-dead franchise, or is he just some dude who benefitted from NFL parity last year? I imagine he's actually a solid dude, but this is also Arizona, so he should probably go coach somewhere else to be successful.
TEAM ELDER: Strong safety Adrian Wilson was a third round pick in 2001.
THE RUDY: Starting center Lyle Sendlein is a third year college free agent out of stupid Texas.
FORMER TROJAN: Oh man, the King of USC dudes in the NFL, Matt Leinart, who is patiently waiting for his chance to succeed in the NFL while banging mad hotties under the Arizona sun. Seriously, why the fuck didn't somebody make a reality show where Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart have to live together while competing for the starting QB role?
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Richmond Spider RB and shocking offensive threat late last year Tim Hightower is a small college beast, who accidentally made Edgerrin James obsolete in Arizona.
WILD SAMOAN: Arizona has a few, including LB Pago Togafau, plus my favorite fullback ever trying to make their roster in Reagan Maui'a, who was named after the Reagan, and likes to run through walls, literally. But the star Samoan for this team is giant starting guard Deuce Lutui, who is Samoan, plus called Deuce, which means he's got to be a good player of dominoes. He went to USC, where bunches of Samoans have gone, but my Former Trojan category has dissed them in this spot. So the Samoan Pride Scorebard stands at: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: WR Early Doucet sounds like a character from a Donald Goines novel. I have been meaning to start writing Donald Goines novels, but set in trailer parks. I feel like if this street realism novel genre that sells at fucking Wal-Marts and shit has shown its legs so well, I should exploit it for my own personal gain.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Speaking of exploiting for personal gain, Tyler Palko's family is in the energy business, and created a fake war between Navajos and Hopis to force them apart, seizing tribal lands in the process that were loaded with uranium deposits. Senator Barry Goldwater played a major role in this as well. Tentacles of the beast, bro, tentacles of the beast.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Man, I must be on some new flavor of crack or something, because earlier in August when I "deducted" all this shit, apparently I thought the Cardinals were gonna win the NFC West again, and return to the NFC Championship game, where they eventually lose, and hopefully Kurt Warner retires.

#16: GREEN BAY PACKERS
PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: I ain't gonna front, I'm 36, so to me the Packers are about that wily ol' gunslinger Brett Favre pumping his fists while some dude just scored a long ass TD and is doing the Lambeau Leap. For as much of a fucking chump Favre has played himself out to be, he was the shit there for a while.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie B.J. Raji is a big, fat, goofy black dude who, at nose tackle, actually should make the Packers switch to the trendy 3-4 defense much easier.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Aaron Kampman is what Jared Allen thinks he is, except more down-to-earth, and not such a fucking tool.
TEAM ASS: I am not sure why, but I do not like that A.J. Hawk. I think maybe I get confused because I used to like the Road Warriors when I was a kid, and Animal's son was a high-profiled LB at Ohio State, as was A.J. Hawk, but A.J. Hawk is not a wrestler or have a mohawk or wear colored face paint to intimidate his opponents. I think all this makes him seem like he's frontin' in my warped brain.
TRENDSETTER: The Packers, probably for the next five years, will rise or fall depending on Aaron Rodgers. Honestly, dude looked good last year, if they keep him from getting crippled.
TEAM ELDER: Long-time WR Donald Driver was a 7th round pick way back in 1999, during Favre's 14th NFL season.
THE RUDY: Starting D-lineman Cullen Jenkins rolled in from Central Michigan University undrafted in 2003, and has never gone away.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie LB Clay Matthews is the new hyped up throwback white boy LB the Packers will be marketing to their quasi-racist fanbase.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech safety Aaron Rouse came in to the NFL heavily hyped, now in his third year, and it's do or die for bro.
WILD SAMOAN: Ain't no Samoans playing in fucking Wisconsin, so let's honor LB Brady Poppinga here, who played at Brigham Young, so maybe he is Samoan after all. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young and Utah - 3, Oregon and Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Atari Bigby is an all-pro when it comes to great names, although 21st century hipsterism has sort of dulled down the greatness of the Atari name.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Mason Crosby is rich, bitch.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They should do well enough to finish 2nd in the NFC North and get a wild card invite to the NFC playoffs.

100 VINYLZ: #65 - Kill 'em All LP by Metallica

(1983, Megaforce Records)
I guess I was about 11 or 12, a young ass little budding responsible delinquent, balancing a straight-A school record with discovering the joys of smoking reefer and drinking vodka away from my folks home in town nearby, hanging out at the arcade. Yeah, arcade. Thrash metal. The fucking '80s. I am always bothered when '80s retro shit is always that corny, pussy alternative moody ass music. Jean jackets and Motorhead back patches bitch, fuck all that Smiths Morrissey Depeche Mode sad girl music.
Anyways, I was old enough for years to know there wasn't no Santa Claus. I know that sounds odd to say, because kids learn young, but my oldest is 10, and I'm not sure if she realizes it yet. She could be playing along, but she does a good job of it at times, to the point I'm not sure. But I knew the deal at that point, and had for year. What I didn't know the deal about though was money, how much things cost, and what a broke ass family I was born into. So for my Christmas wish list, all I did was make a ridiculously long legal yellow pad collection of all the LPs I wanted, pretty much all metal, straight from the pages of the shitty magazines I spent all my allowance on outside of budding substance abuse, and even had a thick ass Metal Disc mailorder catalogue to give off to my parents as well. Oh man, I was stoked. My bedroom was gonna have a shelf like that Skippy kid in Trick or Treat, stuffed with real metal LPs galore, and all I'd do is sit around and be hardcore bro, sitting in my four-cornered room staring at candles, dreaming of some bodies getting dismantled. Tried to go to sleep that Christmas Eve but was wide awake, imagining the box I'd open up the next morning, cardboard 12x12, with a stack of shrinkwrapped LPs, pre-computer age ink-drawn gore splashed across semigloss cardstock covers, band names dripping with blood and guts. It was gonna be the most awesome Christmas ever. I laid awake hearing my parents shuffling around downstair till like 3 in the morning, and they shut down for the night, and so did I.
The next morning, me and my sisters go downstairs, no LP-sized box. Oh man, this sucked. In one little package, I did get Kill 'em All on tape, old school style, Megaforce only, pre-Elektra Records, white shell, no "Am I Evil?" or "Blitzkrieg" on it. I already had the Whiplash EP on tape, so a good part of it was repeat (Whiplash had those other two songs that ended up being bonuses too), but I eventually came around to appreciating it. Mostly I was bummed there was not a single fucking LP. I would bet, looking back, my folks got the only tape they could find within the local department store's tape selection that was on my list, no mail order involved. And that's fine, because I was pretty naive about shit. But at the time, it fucking sucked.
Well, a few years back, as men do in the computer age, I tried to fill in the disappointing gaps of my childhood through the ebays, getting a small selection of all those metal LPs I wanted, one by one as opposed into a giant Christmas morning box full, and one I got was Kill 'em All. It's actually sitting over on the counter by the Willie Nelson velvet painting, one of the last records I've played in the camper recently. And it's a great fucking album to this day. My oldest kid got into Metallica, and she can already identify if it's old Metallica or new Metallica by whether it sucks or not. And over time, I'd say Master of Puppets has probably achieved ultimate Metallica album status in the majority of people's minds, but there's a raw assed nature to Kill 'em All, probably due to Dave Mustaine's cocaine influence, that nothing else they ever did had. Plus, Cliff Burton man. I'm glad he died so he didn't end up being some fag like the rest of them did. (Well, I give Kirk Hammett the benefit of the doubt, especially when you compare his older potential douchiness next to James Hetfield and good fucking lord Lars Ulrich.) A dude I know who has opened for Metallica in the past five years told me they turn the PA down for opening bands so that they come off as sonically superior, like they've got some special super-metal amps that no one else has.
Also, if my daughter willingly listens to Metallica on her iPod shuffle, and yet still believes in Santa Claus, then I am an amazingly magical father of a man. Lucky for her we just still music from inside the internets nowadays, so when she gives me a list of music, I can just take the stealing laptop (we keep our home computer clean from trashy internet activities) to use the library's wi-fi connect, and have her shit filled up on Christmas morning. No art though, which is sad, because the econo-style bloody hammer LP cover is looking pretty sweet leaned next to smiling velvet Willie Nelson across the camper.

R.I.P. O.D.B.

Dropping science like Cosby's dropping babies.