S14: World Cup 2010 Preliminary Rooting Interests

If you read this blog at all, it’s obvious I am a large fan of the American style of football, a game heavily steeped in strange rules and regulations and safety equipment featuring guys of questionable self-preservation desires and wild personalities. Nothing compares to football, in my mind. Yet, every four years, as I have grown older, I become more and more excited, and at earlier times, for the grand international spectacle that is the World Cup tournament, held in stupid South Africa next year. The first time I even paid attention, like many stupid Americans, was when the World Cup was held here, in 1996. At the time I worked in Richmond for a contractor with a heavy multi-cultural flair, featuring regular Americans, Mexican dudes, an Italian carpenter, a bunch of stupid New Yorkers, even a Canadian, plus ghetto black dudes. The Mexicans and the Italian were at each other for months before the Cup kicked off, and the first day of games, our bosses gave us the afternoon off and hosted us at one of their downtown apartments for manly appetizers and free beer. It was a great time, and my first real exposure to international soccer. Before that, soccer was mostly what my stoner high school friends could play and excel at since the superiorly athletic black guys at our school didn’t fuck with it.
But don’t get it wrong; I am no international futbol fan extraordinaire. I’m not going to meet up with other jackasses at a bar to watch Premier League games or UEFA Cups or whatever. The MLS is painfully boring to me, having watched the title game last month, but only being able to stomach like 10 minutes of it before the utter slowness of it, combined with David Beckham’s stupid hair, made me prefer like third-tier college football games instead. But the World Cup, when national teams are all together, going for it all, it’s a completely different game. My internet pal and longtime co-conspirator Mike Dikk explained to me one time that the reason for this is in international soccer of the professional variety, it’s like dudes from 7 different countries on the team, so communication can be an issue. But with national teams, it’s, for the most part, all dudes from the same place speaking the same language on the same page and working towards the same goal.
Well, I’ve actively been following World Cup qualifying in my google news for a long ass minute now, and have hyped myself up, and this shit doesn’t even kick off until next summer. My bro-in-law bought us a fancy new large face mos-def TV, and I plan to be paying for the satellite TV HAARP rays by then, so I figured, in my never-ending ability to talk for a long time about things I don’t really know about in a barely entertaining manner, I would share with you the 14 teams I am rooting for the most hardest and heaviest next summer in WORLD CUP 2010 STRAIGHT OUTTA AFRICA!

#1: UNITED STATES (ranked 14th in the World, 65 to 1 to win it all) - So I am usually your standard malcontent that roots against America in everything from swimming at the Olympics to the G8 Summit to conflicts in the Middle East. It’s my nature to hate the overlord, yet I was born inside the boundaries of the most overlording country on the earth. Of course, if I was born somewhere else I’d probably love America. Greener grass on the other side of the preconceived wall and all that. Yet, the truth be told, I tend to root for underdogs. And what bigger underdog is there in world soccer than America? We suck. Our best athletes all go play football or basketball or even baseball or tennis or golf before soccer. Soccer’s way down on the list after kids get older than 10. And also, being your standard 30-something Generation ADHD-X malcontent, I like lots of retarded things. And no country allows retarded sub-cultures to not only exist but thrive like America, except maybe Japan. But fuck Japan. This is about America. So while contemplating this list, and even though my home country wears terrible-looking uniforms, I am going to put my full psychic rooting weight behind the United States of America. I am a firm believer in the power of the psychic energy of the collective fan consciousness, and perhaps a big problem for America in the past is the same demographics that our soccer fans come from are overeducated smarmy asshole types who won’t just root for America because of slavery and World conquest and all that other shit. Well, I for one am going to put all that behind me when the whistle blows (is that how they start?) and going all in for Team USA next summer. Although I do wish we had enough of a soccer (I know uber nerd, it’s called “football”) consciousness here for our team to have a nickname like other countries do. And hopefully we’d have something better than stupid Eagles or whatever. I personally am saying right here we should just call them the USA FTWs, our national soccer team.
#2: GHANA (ranked 34th in the World, 65 to 1 to win it all) - In my last two rounds of World Cup watching, I fell in love with the relentless style of African team play, especially that of the Ghana Black Stars. Being the World Cup is being held in Africa for the first time ever, I actually followed the African qualifying pretty intensely online, which actually culminated, in true world soccer fashion, with strained political relations between Algeria, Egypt, and the Sudan after the final play-in game was played. But in recent years, Ghana has taken a hold of my attention deficit heart as a homeland for bizarreness. Between psychedelic fuzz funk music or strange drug-induced tribal religions or the best rap music made by actual Africans, it all comes from Ghana. Nigeria is a more well-known commodity internationally, what with its movie industry and oil exports and large population. But just to the left on the map is Ghana, a poorer and crazier version of the exact same thing, pretty much, although Nigerians would probably mock them for their Ibo ways (or something like that, I used to read an African rap music downloading message board and they had the strangest slurs for each other that I started to incorporate in my everyday life, but even I didn’t understand them). Ghana was the first independent African nation, hence the solitary black star on their African colored flag. But beyond that, they play full speed, for 90 minutes, relentlessly. They drew a tough draw in Group D, where they’re the lowest ranked team, although Australia and Serbia are questionable. But Germany is the easy favorite, and the scrappy speed-happy African Black Stars playing in the motherland against the ominous German team from the country that invaded the motherland 60 years ago, that’s gonna be great. Luckily, the gamemakers made that match-up part of the last cycle in this group, so hopefully both Ghana and Germany smoke the Serbs and the Aussies and have a super showdown to wrap up Group D’s first round.

#3: MEXICO (ranked 17th in the World, 65 to 1 to win it all) - Mexicans are some of the finest, most hard-working, honest, drunken, and crazy people I’ve ever known, even though I’ve probably known more of them than most other types of foreign peoples being two-thirds of all Mexicans live here. America is a funny place like that. There are more Puerto Ricans and Filipinos and Samoans and so on here than there are left at the actual place of nationality. Probably why Team USA FTWs don’t have so many folks pulling for them because everybody’s pulling for somebody else here. Being I like Mexicans, and first learned of World Cup’s greatness by working with two such dudes, who were hermanos, named Javier and Chino, I have always fondly rooted for Mexico. I feel an allegiance to Mexicans because much like them, I am hard-working, will do things I probably am not properly trained for without question, prone to violence, and love women with large asses and big for-real breasts. Mexico got a good draw by being in Group A, with host country South Africa, who should probably suck. They also drew France, who is the most evil, vile, despicable bunch of assholes to ever play soccer. Their star in the last World Cup stabbed another player with his baldhead and was not called a Foul on it (sometimes I like to write like I translated myself through Babelfish), and they got in this time by screwing over the poor, drunken Irish with an obvious handball that almost triggered a war. Not really, but if Europeans were half as passionate as Africans (as in Egypt, who had riots after it didn’t beat Algeria to get in), it would’ve. So Mexico, I fully with you on this ride, and when they play your national anthem, I will hold my hand sideways across my chest and chop at myself too like I am part of some alien army on Battlestar Galactica just like you guys.

#4: ARGENTINA (ranked 8th in the World, 9 to 1 to win it all) - I don’t normally support soccer’s great powers, but Argentina is coached by the utterly demented former cokehead and national hero Diego Maradona, which adds an amazing aura of unpredictability to their whole experience. They actually struggled early on in South American qualifying stages, but pulled it together to get in and try to win another Cup title in another rare moment of international glory for this nation. Plus, their tarheel blue and white striped jerseys are pretty pimp. But really, at first, a normal guy like me is all like, “Soccer is boring.” But then you realize that it’s not boring and full of lots of weird fuckers, yet they’re still kind of boring in their weirdness. Like Beckham. They’re weird in a friends-with-Tyra-Banks-and-is-a-judge-on-America’s-Next-Top-Model type weird. But Diego Maradona is the real deal wacky crazy type. He might shoot somebody in Africa, or call the Nigerian team a bunch of changos, or just get all gacked up and disappear the night before a game but show up and rally his team to victory by tying. Pure soccer.

#5: THE NETHERLANDS (ranked 3rd in the World, 12 to 1 to win it all) - The Orange will be waving high in South Africa next summer, as The Dutch team is ranked higher by FIFA right now than ever before. Basically, I like them because they wear orange. Most Euro teams have stupid uniform color combos, so some way northern Euro team busting out the bright orange, and being successful about it, I want to support that. The Dutch are the team to beat in Group E, and should be able to coast into the second round.

#6: NORTH KOREA (ranked 86th in the World, 2000 to 1 to win it all) - The longest longshot in the tournament are these zany North Koreans, and they drew themselves into Group G, generally regarded as the Group of Death for 2010, where everybody is awesome except North Korea. For me, I just like rooting for crazy things to prove the world wrong completely. Like Charles Manson, I hope he miraculously outlives his prison sentence and at like age 186 they have to make up reasons to keep him in jail or release him. North Korea, with Kim Jong Il in charge, are run by a nut, but he’s an artistic nut. If it was the World Cup of alternative filmmaking, he’d put some power behind it. But being it’s actual athletics, I bet he won’t even let his own country watch the games because the North Korean team will get blown out, in all likelihood, by Brazil, Portugal, and Ivory Coast, in that order. But North Korea did shock the world by beating Italy in 1966. So there is a precedent there. And I’m rooting for it again, although hopefully against one of the browner teams and not the black one.

#7: ALGERIA (ranked 26th in the World, 300 to 1 to win it all) - Algeria places so highly on my personal rooting list for this World Cup because of two things. First, they beat Egypt and caused international tensions to get in. That’s what makes World Cup soccer so great. Secondly, they are in America’s group, so if the Algerians can whoop up on Slovenia and upset England, it fares better for my beloved FTWs. So I am rooting for Algeria, in that lining up of allies and enemies sort of way that you have to learn to root for your favorite team when they’re not quite good enough to do it on their own, like you have to do with team sports.

#8: NEW ZEALAND (ranked 82nd in the World, 1000 to 1 to win it all) - The second longest shot to win the World Cup, New Zealand’s team nickname is the All Whites, which is kinda funny to me being they’ll be playing in South Africa. Still, in Group F, I don’t like Italy, mostly because I don’t like Italians (well not all Italians but many I’ve dealt with are far too unreasonable and crazy, although I guess they paint that with the more liberal term “passionate”), and I am indifferent about Slovakia and Paraguay. Slovakia I know only as one of the crazy eastern European countries that came about upon the disintegration of non-Soviet Union states. I only like those countries when they have a presence in strange arenas like sumo wrestling or underground international cockfighting. I never heard Raekwon rap about “Slovakians” although I never stole the new Cuban Linx from the internet either, so he might have. And Paraguay is the -guay country with the non-awesome flag, because I know Uruguay has the mellow stripey flag with the big ass sunshine on it that you could draw a smiley face all over and get high to. So mostly be default, I am going to be rooting for New Zealand in their group, and because they are giant underdogs, it makes me hope they somehow sneak their way into the second round. Probably not a strong chance of that though when they’re star player is a former MLS guy who’s not even good enough for that league anymore.

#9: PORTUGAL (ranked 5th in the World, 25 to 1 to win it all) - Even though I’m kinda rooting for North Korea in the Group of Death, if I had to pick a team that actually stood a chance, I’m gonna be going with Portugal. They’re one of the few European teams I enjoyed in 2002, and their green uniforms are aesthetically pleasing. And Spain is considered the best team in the World right now, so little old Portugal is once again getting overshadowed by its stupid Spaniard neighbors.

#10: NIGERIA (ranked 22nd in the World, 100 to 1 to win it all) - Now the Super Eagles of Nigeria are fucking high speed soccer exemplified. Last World Cup time, they were the most highly-touted team from the African continent, but not so much this time with Ghana, the Ivory Coast, and Cameroon all having better regarded teams. Still, in Group B, where you kinda have to assume South Korea is doomed to go 0 for 3 in the first round, all the Super Eagles really have to play for is a win over either Greece or Argentina to sneak into the second round on their home continent and take their chances with hyperspeed style in elimination play. The Argentina vs. Nigeria game is on the actual second day of the World Cup (June 12th), but I’m considering that my own personal kick-off to the festivities. Perhaps we will make a homeschoolin’ lesson of it and fix Nigerian and Argentinian foods and learn about the rich history of email scams before game time with the kids.

#11: IVORY COAST (ranked 16th in the World, 25 to 1 to win it all) - Yet another Group of Death aka Group G team I am partially rooting for, meaning I’m pretty much rooting for anybody playing there, kinda like how I watch the NBA playoffs. The Elephants of the Ivory Coast are considered the best team coming from the African continent, and were expected to be the best threat to go deep in the tournament, but then they got drawn into a first round group with international destructors Brazil and Portugal. Still, home continent advantage will play a role, and Ivory Coast is a proud country, one that tried to go to war with France a few years back with an air force that consisted of like 14 planes. Seriously. That kind of relentless pride may not help much in the war department, where financial backing goes a long way, but on the relatively even playing field of the soccer pitch (haha, I told myself I was gonna use that word one time), it can take them far. Not really, just around South Africa, but still, you know what I be meaning.

#12: URUGUAY (ranked 20th in the World, 80 to 1 to win it all) - Aforementioned smiley sunshine happy flag land from South America, and lopped into the Group A with South Africa and France, two of the teams I’ll be rooting the hardest against. So again, team sports politics makes Uruguay a personal favorite, at least through the first round.

#13: SLOVAKIA (ranked 33rd in the World, 200 to 1 to win it all) - Well, I did want to pull for at least one eastern European team that doesn’t exist on my World Map from 1992, so it was either Slovakia, Slovenia, or Serbia. Slovenia is in America’s group, and honestly I don’t even know what Slovenia is (which actually works for them in my warped mind), so they’re out. And to be honest, Serbians freak me out. Like Germans are machine people who relentlessly perform obsessive tasks, and thus can create things like Benzes and Volkswagens and Kraftwerk and scat porns. Well, Serbians are kinda like that, but they’re a broken machine people, so they’re success is not so great. Yet they keep relentlessly moving along whatever path they think they’re supposed to be on. It disturbs me. So by default, Slovakia becomes my strange eastern European team to love in 2010 and pretend they are a sauerkrauet eating people, except most likely I’ll make kimchi instead anyways. Slovakia is also in Group F, which gives me a (barely) more realistic chance of rooting for someone who advances to the second round than shitty New Zealand.

#14: HONDURAS (ranked 37th in the World, 500 to 1 to win it all) - I don’t care that much about Honduras or Hondurans, although I hope they love pupusas as much as Salvadorans and myself do. But really, there’s nobody else I wanted to pull for Group H, as Spain and Switzerland are boring, and Chile is the redheaded stepchild of South American soccer behind Argentina and Brazil. So I’m kinda just rooting for Honduras to have somebody to pull for if I happen to be watching a game from that group, to make it more interesting. I guess gambling would make it more interesting too. That always ends well.

Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor

AFFORDABILITY: When a liquor is malted, it automatically becomes a cheap way to discombobulate yourself. Mickey's is no aberration from that standard, although the proud dirtbag Irish-ish white people thickly associated with the Mickey's brand name sort of runs the price up a touch, not to where you're like, "Damn, that's an expensive malt liquor!" But it does take a little more panhandling than a couple 40s of Olde English or Colt 45 would. Still though, it's malt liquor, America's cheapest legal high. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: One of my earliest drunkest moments of my adult life (going by 18 equals adult, not 21) was a party in Richmond where I drank seven double deuces of Mickey's. I fell in love with two chicks I never remembered and tried to create a new life together with a friend girl who was one of those chicks that was so cool, she played it off and never made me feel stupid about it at any later point. Tight. And I have fond memories of living in a ghetto ass apartment on Granby Avenue where it was too hot in the fucking house at all times so we sat on a stolen couch (from Fantastic Thrift) on the porch, and lucky we lived on the second floor so when dudes came chasing by with guns drawn, we were oblivious to the line of potential fire. But we would drink the Mickey's grenades and immediately upon finishing one, throw it across the street at the Terminix pest control warehouse building, busting out their upper windows. Seriously, the sidewalk was covered in green glass. And that was Mickey's. In fact, I have many great think backs to being happy drunk as fuck on Mickey's, in the degenerate cesspool of Richmond, to where things like having skinheads want to stomp my face in or a slut girlfriend who came home with hickeys on her neck, it all was kinda fun in retrospect. That's the Mickey's. It may be one of the greatest alterations to brain thinkings that I've recreationally abused. And the other night when I drank it again for the first time in years, it gave me a painful hangover that even pork products couldn't calm down. 9 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I am no Irishman, but when watching the very stereotypical MMA, I tend to root for fiery redheaded dudes, unless they have some sort of tribal tramp stamp tattoo, which kinda freaks me out usually. That being said, any white man on Earth who is even relatively aware that his grandparents had a specific European heritage of one flavor or another, as opposed to hodgepodge mutt style like most of us from the South know, that any white man cannot hate upon the retardedly Euro ghetto flag mural-esque labeling of the Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor. It is tailor made for bad tattoos on the upper arms of dudes who proudly wear Red Sox gear in alternate colors. You know a shitty tattoo you just don't see as much anymore? The Tazmanian Devil. Once Looney Tunes pushed the merchandise in the '90s and fat, ugly redneck chicks started having Tazmanian Devil keychains and license plate covers and shit, it kinda ruined the Tazmanian Devil cartoon character as an appropriate meathead underclass white dude muscle tattoo. That makes me sad for the old days, when it was far easier to get high with a guy who had a bad Looney Tunes tattoo on his right forearm done with a guitar string in jail, trying to block the wind so you could light the bowl you were sharing. Who even shares bowls of weed anymore? It's always gotta be some convoluted ass "water pipe" that looks like it was used to test the mental agility of hamsters in lab experiments. Seriously, fuck this world. And props to Mickey's for staying true to it's old style while still trying to get today's people of the drinking world fucked up as well. In fact, double props, fucking beers on the white house lawn bringing on lobbying efforts for certain beers and shit. This world is stupid as fuck. 8 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Mickey's be made by Mickey's Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which I'm sure is actually owned by some sort of evil empire of one flavor or another, and goes back to some sort of actual Mickey's Brewing Company, which was probably legit, run by some old drunk Mick who figured out to hype up the alcohol content of his swag brew, yet the evil empire of one flavor or another bought it out, kept the stylings, so as to cash in on the poor white identifying with black yet still white demographic, bringing in convenient tie-ins with House of Pain and skinheads and such, and getting a steady chunk of change. Thing is, it kind of disappeared from my own personal public consciousness, and I thought it was maybe because I didn't live in Richmond anymore, but then it was at all the stores again suddenly. Or maybe it was always there but over by the Smirnoff Ices and Mike's Lemonades and all that goofy shit, but then somebody decided to move it over by the Steel Reserve once that section got big enough with the energy alcohol drink movement giving it some weight on the very limited American grocery store beer aisle shelves. So I don't trust this "Mickey's Brewing Company" alleged corporate situation, but in the name of my whiteness, I will give it the benefit of the doubt. If skinheads and House of Pain music from my time in Richmond taught me anything, it's that we have to stick together, those of us who are alike and down for the same types of things, if you know what I mean. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: A great history, an ability to fuck you up, memories galore in my dilapidated ramshackle brain... there are few shitty ass malt liquors that could make me feel as good as a summertime jam as Mickey's. In fact, just thinking about it makes me wish I had a hand grenade of it right now to pour down my gullet and throw at the world, trying to crack open my fishbowl. 5 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 6 STARS!

Budweiser

AFFORDABILITY: It is Budweiser, so in the sense of cheapest beer alive, it is not affordable at all; yet is cheaper than about half the good beers out there. I will never for the life of me understand how Budweiser, being it is cheap ass swill beer, can charge as much for a 12-pack as many on-sale quality beers with pop tops instead of twist-off action. Still, I bought a pair of tall cans with bright red motifs that were cheap as fuck compared to certain aspects of the beer shelf. So I cannot complain that Budweiser is too expensive, especially since my beer tastes have morphed into thinking Yuengling is the cheapest beer I will drank. But still, there is a divide between “cheap” beer and “good” beer, like any good hippie girl will explain to you when there is no weed to be smoked through the bong her friend who is taking a glass blowing class at the community college, and Budweiser is the most expensive “cheap” beer there is, although I know in its own head it likes to pretend it’s the cheapest “good” beer available on the open market. But come on, dudes in trademarked camouflage patterned clothes are never buying actual good beer, so stop fronting. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: There is a long history in my lifetime of drinking the Budweiser, especially during the early days of dating my wife where we’d split an 18-pack while drinking and driving our way out of the Richmond city limits to where you could see the stars shine and feel your lifeline. But there is a thing about the rice brewing technique that makes for an upset intestinal fortitude the next day, and it brings upon a hungover feeling that most beers would never bring. But, unfortunately, if you go to a public event, hockey game or arena concert or whatever, you’ll have to go out of your way to drink something other than the Budweiser. It is their gangsta ass grip on American capitalism. Thus, I could never support them wholeheartedly, even half-heartedly. And it makes it impossible to drank their beer fast enough to confuse my brain with bloodstream-based delusions. I will fight no more forever. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I bought two tall cans of Budweiser, and one thing I have to give Bud credit for, at least with their main brand, is they keep it fresh. And yet they always have aspects of that basic well-known Budweiser beer can motif. This one is bright red, with the cursive Budweiser logo, and that Anheuser-Busch logo thing with the detailed blue nonsense like on the back side of a deck of cards. From when I was collecting 12-pack boxes, where most beers would hold the same packaging for years, some never changing it, Budweiser would refresh their packaging every couple of months, including special seasonal ones. Seems like since they got bought by the Euros, they've become more concerned with introducing a bunch of wacky side flavors of beer, which I don't understand, but they keep the Budweiser cans fresh-looking. Dare I say, this may be one of the pimpest looking tall cans around, like an NFL team having an alternate dark jersey for a Monday night game, since it's very different from regular Bud cans but very much like it. 5 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: You know their steez... Budweiser used to use Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Willie Nelson to import white slaves from Russia through Israel into criminal prostitution rings based in the West Indies. A dime of every dollar you give to Budweiser's Anhitler-George W. Bush overlords is a dime towards the terminal cancer you will be secretly injected with while voluntarily getting a swine flu vaccination. They were the ones that killed William B. Cooper and suicided Hunter S. Thompson because he was about to expose the Finders child molestation cult from Florida that was creating blogospheric Republican monarch slave sensations and was involved in the Jon-Benet Ramsey sexual assault/murder. And they brew Budweiser beer, and there you sit, gladly drinking that bullshit, toasting your own impending demise. Oh [ ], why can't you hold more sway over these misguided sheep? 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Hey, there is nothing that feels terrible about drinking the Budweiser. It is like voting Republican for President and the guy wins and you are stoked because you did very normal things and were very predictably successful in doing so. You can drink the Budweiser and it is recognizeable and it is normal and it will get you drunk and you will feel American as fuck. Hard to believe only a few short years ago that this was actually still an American beer and Dale Jr. was driving the Budweiser 8 and we hated Arabs and refinanced our homes to get a fat nut to blow on a boat. Now look at us. Yet those capitalist pig German fucks still expect us to not only suck down our Budweiser and traditionally gluttonous American paces, but they're throwing in all this American Ale Golden Wheat Lime Ale bullshit. 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 STARS!

Simpler Times Lager

AFFORDABILITY: It is the cheapest beer available in the Trader Joe’s fake beer section selection, and when you factor it into the by the can deal they offer, you could buy a pair of cans of this for a dollar and some tax change, and the can promises 6.2% alcohol content. That makes it some homeless man beer, but at a place homeless folks can’t catch a bus ride to. 9 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Simpler Times tastes like a couple of asses. Honestly, in the throes of sex, you can touch an actual ass, or around the edges of it, with your tongue, and it doesn’t actually have a taste, much less something terrible, so that’s more a figure of speech. So let’s place another thing into that metaphor... Simpler Times tastes like putting your tongue between the toes of some nasty, workboot-wearing dude who has worn the same white socks three days in a row, with a hole in the heel of his left sock and three of his toes sticking through the front end of his right sock. It smells like malaria and tastes like you don’t taste it because the smell is overpowering and ruins your taste. Did you know that if you wear a blindfold and hold chopped onions under your nose but eat a pear, it tastes like onions because your olfactory senses overpower your taste buds? For real though. So when I say Simpler Times tastes like a couple of asses, more realistically it makes me think I’m smelling a couple of asses, with a can of beer pouring into my mouth. A couple of nasty asses. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Simpler Times may be a fake beer of some sort or another, but they do a snazzy job of selling the angle fully, with dull old school colors and an almost goofy cursive font, plus little hops doodads accentuating the edges, really, if someone gave me a budget and was like, "Hey Raven, make a beer can," I would be stoked if this is what I ended up with. 5 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Simpler Times be claiming to be made by Minhas Craft Brewery, Monroe, Wisconsin, since 1845, but I would imagine if I googled that nonsense up, there'd be no long history of such a thing even existing. Which means the Simpler Times corporate master is a front company, so perhaps they also traffic in white slaves and stolen cell phones as well. Although, from Wisconsin, hearkening back to "simpler times", perhaps they kick it chill, and aren't degenerate organized criminals. The Minhas grandkids probably skip around old tractors, gathering up wrassleberries for canning jams on a Sunday afternoon with their MeeMaw, eating snacks of fresh goat cheese on baked crackers, while that stupid Prairie Home Companion plays on the radio dial. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: These are no longer Simpler Times at all, but if it boils down to drinking a shitty tasting beer in a funny retro can that I get for cheap from the same place I use my food stamps to buy a bunch of packages of organic frozen corn because for some reason all my children have been raised to think a plastic coffee cup half full of frozen corn is the best, sweetest snack food on earth. Of course, I immediately recognize the irony in the fact those types of Trader Joe's stores are usually in the suburban choke parts just at the periphery of the brightest pink light pollutions as seen from outer spaces. But it's hard to figure if Simpler Times are simpler like "Simple Man" lyrics suggest, or simpler like we find a way to sit under that light pollution in the far corner of the Best Buy parking lot drinking a couple beers while listening to satellite radio. 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 3/5 STARS!

NFL WEEK 15: Playing Out The Season

These are the teams who are not quite the shittiest level but won't be making no playoff games either. And as I reflect upon my penchant for reflecting upon bullshit inside the internets, I realize I have not played to my strengths often enough lately. Fuck trying to impress people with whatever the average retarded mindset of today is impressed by. I am a country ass boy, rough around the edges and sharp in the middle. I may not be well-groomed or bred for international success, but the fact I can stand knee deep in wet red clay digging at broken pipes and have a redneck dude named Rudy show up to help finalize the bullshit before the snow sets in and we laugh and laugh about getting drunk in the snowstorm. That's my strong suit, public relations with all classes of real humans. The robot world I sometimes can't swim through too easily, what with all the clusters of confusion and chatterboxes of sensory distractions. But nonetheless, here's more of that.

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (6-7, 16th overall) - The Falcons seemed like they were on a high trajectory, built upon Matty Ryan and Michael Turners, but now both those dudes are broken, and the team is below .500 and struggling to maintain hope for the rest of the year. The great thing is they busted out those retro red helmets this year though. Fuck that all black bullshit. That got played out when every ghetto assed dude on earth was wearing Raiders gear post-NWA and then the White Sox changed their whole style to cash in on that trend. Plus, red, black and white is the triple colors of Hindu and Taoist balance, and have a tight style of mesh together anyways. I'm surprised more teams don't rock that simple yet stylistic uniform pizazz instead of all this goofy dark blue, pro America with a darkened edge bullshit that replaced the teal and aqua trend of the '90s.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (6-7, 17th overall) - Speaking of shit-tastic uniforms, there is none worse than the Houston Texans. How could a city with such a rich tradition of fucked upness, weird rich oil tycoons wealthy far beyond their intelligence, DJ Screwed music, the janitor dude who sells cumbias rebajadas mixtapes south of the border, the Oilers and Earl Campbell, how could all that lead up to this Texans team with those uniforms? They will be forever doomed until they make a rebranding change, because even if they rock the alternate red jerseys, it's still stupid looking.

#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (6-7, 18th overall) - When I made a list of the 8 teams I would put in this class, saving only 8 teams for the possibly making the playoffs list next week, the 49ers were the last team I moved to this failure category, because even with an unfavorable game at the Eagles this week, I could see them back dooring their way into the playoffs as the Cowboys and Giants slide. Which is understandable, because everyone lives in fear of Mike Singletary. Alex Smith is benched, comes off the bench, and is very serviceable as a QB suddenly for the first time in his career. Vernon Davis gets chased off during a game, and now catches more TDs than anybody. Michael Crabtree doesn't even play most of the year as a rookie, but comes in and gets it together quickly. It's like Mean Mike is running a scared straight program for pro athletes. I imagine he'll end up being considered the greatest black head coach ever, at least for a few years.

#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-8, 19th overall) - Oh Panthers, forever kinda good but not quite good enough. It's not just Jake Delhomme's fault; it's like the stamp of the franchise. Yet they've maintained a power running smashmouth game style for a while now under John Fox. Has he finally lost enough games to justify getting fired so they can bring in Bill Cowher to create a bonafide Steelers south yet? Hard to say. They could easily rally and earn Fox another year. That dude is more of an unkillable cockroach head coach than Norv Turner.

#5: CHICAGO BEARS (5-8, 20th overall) - Oh man, Jay Cutler. That whole thing, being I hate the Bears, is so funny to me. And the internet is crawling with stupid Bears fans latchkey children from the '80s who wanted their dad to be a combination of Jim McMahon and Sylvester Stallone. Well, make room at the back of your closet for your knock-off #6 jerseys bros.

#6: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-7, 22nd overall) - There is nothing I can say I don't like about the Steelers - nice history, players that are not annoying, chill uniforms, head coach who seems like he's not averse to smoking a blunt while listening to Pete Rock & CL Smooth's Mecca & The Soul Brother on CD not from iTunes. Yet at the same time, being a lifelong underdog who is sposed to never amount to nothing and used to have people calling the cops on me when I was just in front of my building trying to make money for my baby daughter, I can't completely get behind a proven winner, so when something like the Steelers struggling this year, I can't help but smile inside my blackened heart a happy smile, content with other people's struggles, being they look all better than me and have a nicer house and be driving a new car that don't need new shit all over it any day now. Fuck successful people. And when they are beautiful plus successful, like Ben Roethlisberger or Troy Polamalu, they can't tear enough MCLs and ACLs and PCLs to make me feel better about my own life.

#7: NEW YORK JETS (7-6, 23rd overall) - As if I didn't have enough reason to hate the Jets, I blew the fuse in my truck radio the other week, but rode around for like a week before my boy D told me to check the fuse, which I did, dismantling my truck's guts to get there, and switched out a 15 amp fuse and had radio again. Of course, absence makes the heart grow delirious with idealized memories, so I thought it a good idea to listen to AM sports radio a lot this week, which invariably leads to the Mike & Mike show since the other AM sports show has Dan Patrick and he kinda creeps me out in a child molesty kind of way. But Mike and Mike are annoying as fuck, and even two minutes of Mike Greenberg's schtick will make you want to murder anybody from New Jersey with a knife dipped in AIDS tainted blood already. So now I hate the Jets even more. I hope they never do anything except be the stupid Jets forever.

#8: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-8, 24th overall) - If the Seahawks and my interest level were geographic locations, we'd be on opposite corners of the world map and the earth would be flat and you couldn't crawl across on the underneath edge like those spiked turtle shells in Super Mario Wii. That means I know nothing, care nothing, and have nothing to say about the Seahawks, except for what I just wrote as a means of filling up this space with something that at least takes you time to read.

NFL WEEK 14: The Playoff Bound

This week, as part of my last cycle of self-important football analysisting interweb dorkeries, I shall visit the NFL teams that I, with four weeks left, will wholeheartedly guarantee shall be in the playoffs. Most of these are no-brainers, but there's a couple divisions where it's not so obvious who will definitely get a playoff berth. But fuck it, this is the internet, I am a white man (we are a self-righteous people), and I can make confident statements publicly without qualms, mostly because maybe only like five people will actually see this. And of this five, probably none of them will hold me to any of this. So here we go...

#1: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (12-0, 1st overall) - Man, I was so sure my beloved beleagured Redskins were gonna pull off the upset last week, but like a shitty team does, they found creative and impressive ways to still come out on the bottom. And the Saints seem blessed at this point, which means engineered, because it has become obvious in the past decade how the NFL is half-fixed. Not outright predetermined like wrestling, but it's engineered in certain directions, through tuck rules and special field goal balls and so on to go in certain directions. It seems a little too much of a hotshot angle for them to be pushing a pair of undefeated teams into a Super Bowl, with the very great media match-up of the Saints and Colts, featuring New Orleans boy Peyton Manning. But that's a high watermark to establish, an epic battle like that, so I doubt it'll happen. But I think the Saints might be getting the undefeated push into the Super Bowl to lose to somebody, yet establish themselves as one of the pre-eminent franchies in the NFL, even though they don't really have any sort of playoff pedigree.

#2: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (12-0, 2nd overall) - Peyton Manning and the boys will not go undefeated, as they won't have to, but I think they're being pushed to the moon this year, with Peyton Manning being installed in football lore as an unparalleled QB, on a different level from even future Hall of Famers like Tom Brady and Brett Favre, which is how he's being regarded by TV football talking faces. Personally, Peyton Manning annoys the fuck out of me, but it's gotten to the point I begrudgingly accept his high-ranking position in the NFL hierarchy, and so long as the NFL doesn't engineer a Manning brothers Super Bowl, I'll quietly accept Peyton's success. The Colts have the most boring fucking uniforms in the NFL, by the way.

#3: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (9-3, 3rd overall) - I am absolutely not sold on the Chargers being a legitimate upper echelon NFL team, and them having Norv Turner as their coach only reaffirms that opinion. Basically, they seem like the type of team that is really good, goes to the playoffs, and loses, and will barely be remembered in ten years because they never even made a Super Bowl to lose in. I've heard the hype that they are the team the Colts fear, because they beat them last year in the playoffs, but whatever man. The Chargers, beginning of the year, were about one loss away from total implosion. A game full of interceptions by Philippe Riviera and the defense getting picked apart by a quality QB, and they'll be right back near implosion. You have to give it to Norv Turner though, that guy is a cockroach of an NFL head coach, always doing just barely enough to justify not getting shit-canned.

#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10-2, 4th overall) - All signs point towards Brett Favre leading the Vikings to a great showdown against the Saints in the NFC Championship game, but for some reason I feel like something's gonna break down on that team. Favre's an old dude, and if A.P. goes down with an injury, he's lost the thing that keeps defenses on the line, freeing up his hodgepodge assortment of no-name receivers to go long and have the Ol' Gunslinger sling a few pigskins their way. Even a tweaked knee in the playoffs that takes him out for the remainder of a game by Adrian Peterson could spell physical doom for Favre. Frankly, I wouldn't mind it either, as everybody's fallen in love with the dude again after his heroics this season, but he's still a fucking asshole who ended up exactly where his old team didn't want him to end up. If I was Aaron Rodgers, I would get Favre's daughter pregnant, if he has a daughter. If he doesn't, I'd make jokes about his wife's cancer.

#5: CINCINNATI BENGALS (9-3, 6th overall) - Here is the deal... it is very likely the Bengals, who sometimes dominate good teams and sometimes unexplainably lose to shitty teams, will back their way into the playoffs. They might very well only win one of their remaining games, but with a 3 game advantage over the Steelers and Ravens in their division, and having swept both those teams this season, one win is all they'll need to be AFC North champs. What happens then though? Probably not much. For all the self-hyping he does, Chad Ochocinco has never really crossed that threshold from great receiver to a memorable gamebreaker type, but he thinks he already is. That should help lead to a frustrating outing against someone in the AFC playoffs, and the back-up array of receivers in Cincy has not been as solid in recent weeks for Carson Palmer, whose window of proving he could be a Drew Brees or Eli Manning type of famous QB is inching ever closer to closed. Really, my favorite part of this team is Cedric Benson, who looks like a big goofy weedsmoking dreadlocked brother who would get arrested for drinking and driving a boat. It sort of makes me happy the NFL still has room for guys like that in today's stringent ass world. Oh yeah, also that Samoan d-lineman dude with the ridiculous ponytail that's like three times what Troy Polamalu kicks, I like that dude too. If I knew his fucking name (it's always covered by his hair), I'd wish for a jersey of his.

#6: ARIZONA CARDINALS (8-4, 7th overall) - There is so much about the Cardinals to like, with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquin Boldin, plus my man Tim Hightower repping Richmond, and a defense full of wacky black dudes who look like they could tear up some horseshoe pits at an extended family extended barbecue/cookout with pop-up tents just for the food to sit under. But damn it, there's stupid Kurt Warner, ruining it all by thanking Jesus for every fucking coin flip the Cardinals win, with his blurry ass concussion vision, seeing Christ with a Mac-11, loungin' between two pillars of ivory and shit. Therefore I can't fully endorse the Cardinals for anything, because as chill as their overall team vibe seems, the face of the franchise is a fucking shithead that fills my shrivelled little heart with hate.

#7: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (8-4, 8th overall) - Hard to say who is gonna be definitely coming out the NFC East this year, because the Cowboys are starting their standard December swoon right on schedule, and the Giants have looked shaky at times, and the Eagles have been touched up pretty hard by injuries. But it's hard not to expect the Eagles to make the playoffs yet again for the 39th time in 41 years, like they always do, and their offense is chock full of hardly known various threats, even with Bryan Westbrook on the shelf. And their defense always seems to be on the hunt, even with the injuries they've had on that side. Hard to not have faith in Assante Samuel making something happen if it needs to happen either. I don't see them going to any more Super Bowls any time soon, especially with Donovan McNabb's A-Rodesque playoff reputation, but they're the team to count on in the NFC East.

#8: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-5, 10th overall) - The Patriots also come out of a division where them winning is not so much a guarantee. But the Jets won't catch them, and the Dolphins might, but I analyzed the remaining schedules to get all for-sure on picking the Pats. Both the Dolphins and Patriots play Jacksonville and Houston, so we'll call that even. Outside of that, the Pats have Carolina at home and the Bills on the road, while the Dolphins play at the resurrected corpse of the Tennessee Titans and host the Steelers in the last week of the season where the Steelers will probably be trying desperately to get a wild card spot. Thus, it seems highly unlikely the Patriots won't take the AFC East, host a prominent wild card game the first round, and then we will get Tom Brady and his Super Bowl ring laden company going into Indianapolis for a much ballyhooed divisional round playoff game, most likely on primetime Saturday night, with extensive coverage ruining the game before it even starts. Congrats to Tom Brady and making an inevitably spoiled asshole son for the world as well. I'm sure the little future date rapist will be a great joy to Tom's life.

S14: Best College Football Teams

I had meant to do these the past two weeks as minor division college football playoffs have started up and shaved off contenders to the top of this list, but life has been too real and I ain’t done shit inside the internets to post of. But here we are, with this week’s Bully List of teams who are still as of yet undefeated in the various realms of college footballs and have won by the most average margins of points...

#1: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (13-0, 44.000 avg. margin of victory, #1 last time) - The first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs, Sioux Falls won 63 to 21, and 49 to 21 (against archrival Morningside, whose only two losses this season came to Sioux Falls). This week, in the NAIA semifinals (their 5th straight trip that far, and 7 out of 8 years they’ve made the NAIA football final four), they face-off against St. Xavier (see below) at home.

#2: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS (12-0, 39.583 avg. margin of victory, #7 last time) - Mount Union is the most dominant college football team of any division there is, and thus, rather than eke out victories and be near the top every year, like a Florida or Texas for Division I examples, they go undefeated most every regular season, and start to actually peak at the end of the year. First two rounds of the Division III playoffs, Mount Union beat Washington & Jefferson 55 to 0 and Montclair State 62 to 14. Their last 7 games combined, they’ve given up a total of 42 points, yet never scored less than 44 in any individual game. On top of all this, former Mount Union alum Pierre Garcon is making rare NFL noise for a Division III player as one of Peyton Manning’s latest WR beneficiaries. I had been wondering how a black dude could be named Pierre Garcon, but it turns out he’s Haitian, so colonialism is the explanation. Mount Union hosts Albright College this weekend in a Division III quarterfinal game.

#3: LINDENWOOD LIONS (12-0, 37.917 avg. margin of victory, #4 last time) - Crushed previously unbeaten Ottawa Braves last weekend, 64 to 26, and earned the right to roll into Montana to take on fellow unbeaten Carroll College in the NAIA semifinals, with a trip to scenic backwoods and mildly racist Rome, Georgia, for the NAIA championship on the line.

#4: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (12-0, 36.917 avg. margin of victory, #6 last time) - In their first two Division III playoff games this season, the Whitewater Warhawks of Wisconsin have outscored their opponents by 100 points. That’s two games. This week they take on another unbeaten and domineering team in Wittenberg in the D-III quarterfinals.

#5: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (13-0, 32.462 avg. margin of victory, #5 last time) - Scored 52 points per game the first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs and earn the right to go to Sioux Falls and in all likelihood get their asses kicked this weekend. But who knows. When the NAIA Cougars of St. Xavier play the NAIA Cougars of Sioux Falls in early December playoff action, you can throw the records out the window.

#6: WITTENBERG TIGERS (12-0, 31.667 avg. margin of victory, #8 last time) - Wittenberg, who has won big all year, is playing closer in the D-III playoffs, and has to travel to Whitewater, Wisconsin, to play one of D-III’s heaviest heavyweights this weekend, hoping for a couple of wins to get them to Salem, Virginia, to play in the Stagg Bowl. That would be the the D-III championship game, and Salem, Virginia, even in Virginia, is mostly known as “the outskirts of Roanoke.”

#7: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (12-0, 28.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - TCU shall be this year’s non-BCS darling in a big bowl game, but it won’t be a championship game, even if Texas loses to Nebraska and whoever wins the SEC title game has a plane wreck on the way home. Division I college football is stupid, and the excuses for no playoff system are basically like a Mexican cop justifying why you have to give him $100 to not go to jail.

#8: TEXAS LONGHORNS (12-0, 27.583 avg. margin of victory, #12 last time) - I got to watch a good portion of that Texas A&M vs. Texas Thanksgiving night game, and what the fuck? I thought Texas had defensive players drafted every year into the NFL. There was no defense in that game, and it kind of made me hope for a match-up against Alabama with them, for the conflict of interests that would create. But at the same time, Colt McCoy looks like an 11-year-old soccer field dickhead, in my mind making him Tyler Hansbrough-like, which means I hope Nebraska accidentally paralyzes him this weekend and Texas loses and ends up playing in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas or some bullshit.

#9: WESLEY WOLVERINES (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, #10 last time) - The Wolverines have been cruising through the D-III playoffs, and this weekend host road-ready, upset-minded Johns Hopkins University (I think they are the Fighting Interventionary Radiologists) in the quarterfinals, with a win setting up a showdown with stupid bad Mount Union.

#10: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - A couple of big wins the past couple weeks, including crushing Chattanooga, has given the Crimson Tide enough of a margin of victory, combined with D-III and NAIA playoffs picking off other teams, to finally crack this list. This past year, I’ve gotten more into college football than ever before, and I’m actually pretty stoked to watch the SEC Title game this weekend, especially to root against Florida because I hate Jesus.

#11: BOISE STATE BRONCOS (12-0, 25.750 avg. margin of victory, #14 last time) - Has a tune-up match on their blue turf against New Mexico State this weekend, and then anxiously awaits being screwed by BCS bullshit.

#12: CARROLL FIGHTING SAINTS (13-0, 21.538 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - The NAIA’s least dominant unbeaten dominant team, hosting Lindenwood in a high altitude semifinal football contest this Saturday.

#13: FLORIDA GATORS (12-0, 20.833 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Fuck Tim Tebow. You know what I mean? Let him go play in Canada.

#14: CINCINNATI BEARCATS (11-0, 20.727 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Pittsburgh ruined Cincinnati’s chance of a BCS title game back door sneak-in entry by losing to to West Virginia in the Backyard Brawl last weekend, so Cincinnati will have to settle for whatever non-championship game they get being Kings by Default of the Big East Conference.

Gone From This List From Last Time: Morningside Mustangs (lost at Sioux Falls last weekend, 49 to 21, in the NAIA playoffs), Monmouth Fighting Scots (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs two weeks ago, 43 to 21, hosting the St. Thomas Tommies), Case Western Reserve Spartans (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs to Trine College, 51 to 38, at home), North Alabama Lions (first they lost a quadruple overtime regular season-ending game against West Alabama, and then went into the Division II playoffs as a high seed but lost last weekend at home against Carson-Newman, 24 to 21, falling a couple games short of a national championship), Ottawa Braves (lost 64 to 26 last weekend to Lindenwood in the NAIA quarterfinals).

NFL WEEK 13: Draftboard Time

There are many who have complained about how bad the lower tier of NFL teams is this year, but honestly, I have no problem with it. The fact we get to watch every game possible now and it stretches from Thursday to Monday makes us pretend every game is more important. But back in the day, other than Monday night, everything was Sunday afternoon, and there were all types of shitty teams buried in the non-cablefied mix of thangs. A nice slew of shitty assed teams help guarantee dominant dynastic teams, which possibly sets up bullshit like the Saints vs. the Colts, both undefeated, in the Super Bowl, which would be amazing as fuck, but won’t happen. That would be like an Arena League game. Nonetheless, I’ve called in sick a few weeks this year, but I’m gonna start my final regular season cycle of team talkings this week, with the lowest rung, the shittiest of shitty teams that really have no hope for much else than not only getting a top draft pick but actually magically not blowing it like they have a long history of doing, which most of these teams do.

#1: BUFFALO BILLS (4-7, 22nd overall) - The fact T.O. has not imploded shows two things... first off, Buffalo is a deep, dark corner of the NFL earth, and two, nobody cares. They will never win in those ugly assed uniforms.

#2: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-8, 25th overall) - You would think the Chiefs would have a bright ass future, with like 25 1st and 2nd round picks the past few years combined, and they show flashes I guess, like beating Pittsburgh the other weekend, but they still end up being the Chiefs. I’m not sold on Matt Cassell as a solid dude to lead your team to not-sucktitude, but what the fuck do I know? I can’t even afford Madden 10.

#3: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-8, 27th overall) - My favorite sports team on the whole wide earth has pained me so painfully this year that I can’t even think of amusing or black-hearted ways to make fun of them. I am cry.

#4: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-8, 28th overall) - When I feel really sad about the Redskins, I try to look at the Raiders, where Al Davis is building an offense even more retarded to outsiders than Dan Snyder has done. But Dan Snyder is young, so give him time. He can one day be as old, weird, delusional, meddling, and stupid as Al Davis.

#5: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-10, 29th overall) - I have heard talk radio talkings of how some dudes could get fired after one year head coaching, including Raheem Morris in Tampa. How the fuck can you throw a 23-year-old black dude into a head coaching gig with that shitpot of misfits and expect him to succeed? I bet it’s because he plays too much rap music and the Glazer family is racist.

#6: CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-10, 30th overall) - Man, the Browns are a terrible terrible terrible football team coming apart at the seams. And yet somehow they might not get higher than the 3rd or 4th pick in next year’s draft. I guess there really is an abundance of excellent mediocrity this year.

#7: DETROIT LIONS (2-9, 31st overall) - They still seem to be doomed. Maybe they should’ve sacrificed Matt Millen on a lakeboat casino in a pagan ritual meant to cleanse the team of its terrible and tragic history, and then changed their uniforms to blood red and black like that team from Hell in Madden football.

#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-10, 32nd overall) - They won a Super Bowl in the past decade? For real though? Poor Stephen Jackson, dwindling away in obscurity, with a limited shelf life as an NFL running back.