SONG OF THE DAY: Freakin' (With You)

Retro vintage throwback flavors from the future, all our technology smooshed together and connected with the appropriate cords found on ebay, combining eras through the filter of tech limitations of the moment of whatever piece of equipment you’re happening to be working with as it trickled down to you. The Real Artists always have Real Equipment and charge you $170 for a portrait session. They were born to a comfortable bed and have never wanted for the latest metaphysical blankets to shield them from the cold nature of the Real World. And somehow these still end up being the Real Artists in the Real World, because none of it is real at all. It’s all a con, a midway game we all are living within but don’t realize, the basket with a spring on the bottom that bounces most of us into struggle and despair but some got the carnies hitting the button for ‘em from day one. So don’t get mad when you see them walking around with the life-sized Pooh bear. It was always rigged. Make art with what you have at hand, fuck ambitions of greatness or being a Real Artist. Scatter your shit everywhere, like shit, and fuck ‘em if they don’t like it.

SONG OF THE DAY: Sugar Free (Deo/Super Dance Mix)

More vehicles should have mixers in them, because this is a great song for a 5 month drive time, and you could loop that beat from the first 30 seconds or so for at least two weeks. Then loop the part right after that where the hook is teased before the verse starts, and loop that for a week and a half, then drop it back to the beginning for a few hours, before finally rocking into the first verse, somewhere around the fourth or fifth week of your drive. I’m not big on cyborg bullshit, but if they gave me a mind mixer, I’d jump at that chance. The problem with most of our delusional cyborg dreams is they’re based on implants in the brain, which isn’t even where the mind is, ignoring the heart completely, so you’re gonna have a bunch of dumbasses running around with these brain implants, thinking things into the microchips with their poisoned ass brain thoughts. The folly of men, thinking they know what they know when they don’t know shit (and never have).

SONG OF THE DAY: La Motocicleta (rebajada)

Another cumbia rebajada from the archives of Sonido Dueñez… a song about motorcycles.

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: LUTON TOWN FC

{Luton Town securing promotion off a missed penalty by Coventry City at Wembley}

[25-Man Metaphysical Rosters are divined using a football metaphysics methodology where minutes played over the past 100 competitive club matches determines which 25 players constitute the strongest psychic influence over a club’s current psychic trajectory. Intuitive analysis is then added, done in English by an American, but with a decidedly anti-English un-American foundation. Football metaphysics believes in the beautiful game, not the modern corporate spectacle. We have more of a love for Maradona in Mexico than Messi in Miami. One Premier League club is done each month, as it’s the top domestic league in an English-speaking nation (the language we were born with). This is now a solo project again by Raven Mack, but used to be a small group effort, so it bears saying, Rest In Peace Neil.]

Returning to our once a month Premier League metaphysical coverage, after beginning the relaunch with arguably the most prominent current club in Manchester City, it only makes sense to balance that out with the least prominent club currently, in last season’s playoff promotion winner Luton Town FC. They’re run at the end of the Championship season last one was not expected, and them gaining promotion to the Premier League finally was a major piece of metaphysical recovery, as they had been in the First Division of English football throughout the ‘80s, and then were relegated in the final season before the First Division was re-branded as the Premier League in 1992. Their plummet saw them drop all the way to the Conference Premier (5th tier) before beginning their claw back up the footballing pyramid in 2013-14 season. It’s been a constant progression two, with four seasons in League Two, then a single one in League One, before a four season journey back up the Championship standings. That being said, it’s kind of like the football club version of a dude who begins a workout regimen, and becomes obsessive about it, so keeps getting bigger and bigger. In fact, Luton Town quite literally outgrew their clothes, as Kenilworth Road lacked the media facilities required by Premier League bylaws or whatever the fuck, so upon gaining promotion, they had to undergo a massive renovation. Their first home match was postponed because this construction was not done, and pics circulated of Kenilworth Road online, showing how one back wall of the stadium butts up against regular folks junky-looking back yards. But that’s a big part of the beauty of the English football system (and most football leagues worldwide) in that any club can get infused with a money mark who hires the right minds to run things, and have an epic run over the course of a decade that will be remembered for generations.
Unfortunately, another aspect of outgrowing yourself through the tiers is personnel has to be constantly upgraded as well. And in that “ambitious Championship club” phase Luton Town was in, their squad was full of Premier League players on loan, tweeners who might be excellent in Championship but struggle in the Premier League, as well as whatever else they might get their hands on. That has meant that, as Luton Town hopes this isn’t a one-and-done season. The club that wins the playoff route towards promotion has had difficulty remaining in the Premier League historically, although Brentford and Nottingham Forest (the previous two) have both done a good job of surviving that first season, then attempting to establish themselves better that second season. So for Luton Town, this off-season has been a matter of scrabbling together parts enough to try and do just that… survive this first Premier League season in the club’s history. Heading into their home opener at Kenilworth Road though, they’d not gotten a point yet, and been outscored 7 to 1. But you don’t have to be amazing to survive that first season in the Premier League, as Forest showed so clearly last season. All you have to do is not be as bad as three other clubs. The Manchester Cities of the world can shoot for winning the league and going onto continental glory, but for a club like Nottingham Forest last season or Luton Town this one, you’re shooting for a mid-table finish, to get the boys motivated to not finish in the bottom three. That’s all you’re going for. I mean, you don’t say that publicly, because you have to maintain kayfabe and pretend you’re gonna win the Club World Cup in two years time. But realistically, Luton Town is gonna be ecstatic with a 16th place finish this season, and ensure a second one at the top level of English football.
So with all that personnel turnover in mind, here’s the 25 men who have occupied the most minutes on-pitch over the course of their past 100 competitive matches, thus comprising Luton Town’s metaphysical squad hovering over their hopes for this 2023-24 season like both active presences and ghosts that have dissipated off to elsewhere (through August 29, 2023)…

#1: AMARI’I BELL – Bell is Luton’s Jamaican national left back, who has been a Championship/League One tweener of sorts himself through most of his career, initially as a youth product of Birmingham City, and he spent time at Blackburn Rovers in rotation before landing at Luton Town the summer of 2021 and becoming key part of their back line. After over 150 matches in the Championship, Bell finally got a taste of Premier League life this season. He remains part of their survival squad, which is always nice to see, when a few players who scrapped it out with the club over the past few years also get to enjoy a little of that global spotlight. Bell has also become regular player for the Jamaican national team, despite having been born and raised in England, through his grandparents. That’s always gotta be neat to be able to reconnect to where your family is from by going back for matches a few times a year, getting a taste of the Caribbean proper.

#2: TOM LOCKYER – Welsh center back who wears the captain’s armband, and has been with Luton Town now since 2020. His appearances with the squad has grown over each of the past three seasons, until he was a mainstay last season, with 46 appearances across all competitions, and a solid 5 goals too (not bad from a center back). Despite still only being 28, has that classic dirt dog Welsh look of an eternal 40-year-old. Also famously got stretchered off in the early stages of their playoff final against Coventry City at Wembley Stadium a few months ago, to where nobody knew if he was okay or what. When Luton Town won the penalty shootout, fellow players paraded around with Lockyer’s jersey. The club didn’t even know if dude was okay, so manager Rob Edwards was low-key in post-match interviews, happy they won but not wanting to be too happy because they didn’t know Lockyer’s health status. He had a fibrillation of the heart, and was cleared to return to football, renewed his contract with Luton Town, and is the heart (no pun intended) of their defense.

#3: ELIJAH ADEBAYO – English-born striker of Nigerian descent, who had been contracted to Fulham for many years, but never catching on there. He played for Walsall and dominated League Two for two seasons, which led to Luton Town bringing him on board at the very end of the winter transfer window in 2021. He’s been a solid contributor for The Hatters throughout his time, with 28 goals at the Championship level the past two-and-a-half seasons.

#4: ETHAN HORVATH – Horvath continues America’s one solid tradition in English football… being a GK. He was born and raised in the US, but has made his professional career in Europe, in Norway and Belgium, and actually has a Hungarian passport through his father. He’s been the secondary GK for Nottingham Forest the past few years, occupying a double US GK set-up this season behind Matt Turner. But last season, he got a season-long loan spell with Luton Town, and was instrumental in their run, playing in 51 matches and getting 20 clean sheets. At 28, at this point he’s sort of settled into that role of secondary GK (which itself is a very certain mindset and metaphysical squad necessity). Luton Town had the option to sign Horvath after the loan, and chose not to, I guess agreeing with Nottingham Forest that Horvath wasn’t quite ready to play in the Premier League. And yet, all they did otherwise was poach Thomas Kaminshi from Blackburn Rovers, who has never had any Premier League experience before this season himself.

#5: ALLAN CAMPBELL – Campbell was a midfielder and Scottish international who played regularly for The Hatters the past two seasons, but was deemed perhaps not Premier League ready, and has been loaned to Millwall for the entirety of this season, which is a tight “hedge your bets” move for a lowly Premier League newbie, who might want ol’ boy back next season if they get immediately knocked back down to the second tier.

#6: CARLTON MORRIS – Another Championship/League One tweener caliber player, who was on Norwich City’s squad for two Premier League seasons previously, but never got a minute at that level. He has, however, scored Luton’s only goal in their first two matches upon returning to the Premier League. He’s been a workhorse for them this past season, and is expected to continue to carry a load, at a higher level than he’s ever done in his career thus far.

#7: JORDAN CLARK – English midfielder that has three eras to his career thus far. The first was contracted to Barnsley but not good enough for the Championship, so loaned out every year. Then he had a League Two/League One period of kicking people’s asses, both for Shrewsbury Town and Accrington Stanley. That landed him a transfer to Luton Town in the summer of 2020, and he’s been a steady contributor in those second tier years, despite never being the same dominant force he was at lower levels (understandably). The jump to the Premier League is likely to be a tough one for him, but he’ll get his minutes, and his shot at proving himself worthy at the age of 29.

#8: PELLY RUDDOCK MPANZU – Being fascinated with African football in general has led me to a particular fascination with DR Congolese players, because that country is so chaotically large, along a giant river, and features a continental powerhouse in TP Mazembe. Like DR Congo itself has the eastern affluent part towards the end of the Congo River at Kinshasa, which has pretty incredible musical history as well. But DR Congo is HUGE, and TP Mazembe is actually in Lubumbashi, pretty much right in the middle of Africa’s dangling appendage half, in the southeastern part of DR Congo, near Zambia. Mineral money there has created wealthy oligarchs, and one of them has channeled that money into creating a continentally dominant club. Pelly Ruddock Mpanzu has nothing to do with that, and in fact like most DR Congolese players seen in Europe, was born and raised far away from Africa, the result of so much displacement due to the political instability of the behemoth nation. Many of these guys flow through Belgium, which had been the colonial master of DR Congo historically, but Mpanzu was born in the Greater London area, and spent some time in his early adult years signed with West Ham. He only got one appearance in three seasons, thus was sold off to Luton Town when they were in the 5th tier of English football, back in November of 2013, on loan at first, but with the move being made permanent. And Mpanzu has remained with the club ever since, part and parcel of their climb from the Conference Premier, up through Leagues Two and One, and featuring prominently for them throughout their four-season stint in the Championship. Thus his appearances in the Premier League already for The Hatters are personal triumph as well, almost a decade after West Ham deemed him not good enough to play at that level. A bit injury-prone at times, but when he’s fit, he’s got that high-energy style from end-to-end that helps a lowly club over achieve, because that type of energy is infectious. Definite catalyst and good piece of Luton Town’s soul at this point, even if he’s too non-English (despite having lived his entire life in England) to wear the captain’s armband.

#9: ALFIE DOUGHTY – I’m a big fan of all dudes named Alfie to be honest. That’s perhaps a common nickname in the UK, but you don’t see no Alfies in America, thus it conjures up certain stereotypes of fun-loving shitheads. Doughty is a midfielder, and metaphysically speaking, you’d much rather have your fun-loving shitheads be on defense, or a defensive midfielder. Doughty is only 23, and he’s gotten smatterings of Championship experience the past few seasons, but has yet to become an every match player, much less somebody who looks Premier League-ready. Nonetheless, always good to have an Alfie male on the squad.

#10: JAMES BREE – Right back who’d been key member of their defense for nearly three seasons, but Southampton came and scooped him up last winter transfer window, as part of their hopes of surviving relegation. The Saints and Bree got the drop, and The Hatters were promoted, so Bree remains in the Championship, where he’ll likely cross 200 appearances in that second tier this season.

#11: GABRIEL OSHO – Young defender who gets regular time but isn’t an every match starter, by any means. Will likely be fighting even more for playing time, although at only 25, there’s still time for a potential breakout.

#12: REECE BURKE – As a youngster, Reece Burke was a West Ham youth academy hopeful, who actually got 5 appearances in the Premier League for the Hammers way back in 2014-15. Then began his wander through League One and Championship, where he firmly established himself as too good for League One, but rotational in the Championship. He started their match at Chelsea, thus getting his sixth Premier League appearance, with over 8 years between numbers 5 and 6. Also a plus that one of Luton Town’s big acquisitions for this season (and who won’t make this list because he’s only been there for a couple matches) is Ross Barkley, and Reece Burke/Ross Barkley have a nice phonetic combo to make things difficult for drunken supporters to explain what exactly had happened to cost Luton Town a match as the season goes on.

#13: MARVELOUS NAKAMBA – I’m a big fan of African names like Marvelous. I’m also a big fan of players who are African-born and make their way to the Premier League in a roundabout journey that takes them through their home continent, not European-born African heritage players who are put in major club academies early on. African football is beautifully chaotic, both at club and national team levels, and it’s one of my great joys to watch. Nakamba made the jump to France at 18, so he didn’t have long as a professional in Zimbabwe, but he spent time on Bantu Rovers before going to Europe. He’d already been in the Premier League, having been on Aston Villa’s squad beginning in 2019, and with 68 appearances for them across all competitions. Last season, he had become expendable, and was loaned to Luton Town, who did sign him on a permanent deal this past July.

#14: DAN POTTS – Dan Potts is the son of former West Ham captain Steve Potts, and thus was a West Ham youth product, and spent the first part of his professional career with The Hammers, but never could catch on. In 2015, he was sold to Luton Town, when they were still in League Two, and he’s been part of their squad ever since, also being along for the ride through the English football pyramid. It’s hard not to be happy for dudes like that, especially a guy like Potts, who probably had all this outsized pressure on him to be as great as his father. You have to assume this home opener at Kenilworth Road hosting The Hammers is gonna mean more to him than most everybody else out there.

#15: CODY DRAMEH – Young fullback owned by Leeds United who didn’t get much playing time on the senior squad, so has been getting loaned out to Championship squads, to Cardiff City two seasons ago and then to Luton Town this season. Somehow, even with Leeds United getting relegated, he’s still not good enough, because they loaned him out this season to Birmingham City rather than have him be part of their effort to regain promotion.

#16: SONNY BRADLEY – Grizzled old vet of the lower professional tiers, who fell out of starting favor as Luton Town’s trajectory got higher, though he came onto the squad in their League One days. Deemed expendable after promotion, he signed on with Derby County as part of their hopes of escaping League One wilderness and getting back to the second tier. Wayne Rooney did a real good job there. Luckily for me, he’s doing just as bad as manager for DC United here in America, where his name value will allow him to suck for a long time before getting sacked. Kinda telling he’s already managing in the US instead of toughing it out in League One with his childhood love Derby County. God I hate a Wayne Rooney.

#17: HARRY CORNICK – Not the famous light jazz musician, and in fact, not even with Luton Town anymore. After a long stint with the club, with 235 appearances across all competitions (and three tiers of English football), Cornick moved to Bristol City this past January, thus remains firmly entrenched in that English Championship existence. Also strange personal link, as I played Havant & Waterlooville in my FM2015 game a lot over the years, and Cornick was actually on that squad. He was only on loan, and would get really mad that I’d brought in all these other high profile players to replace him, so stupid ass AFC Bournemouth would recall him.

#18: FRED ONYEDINMA – High-speed Nigerian winger/forward whose toiled amongst various Championship clubs over the years, with both Millwall and Wycombe Wanderers at that level before joining Luton Town in 2021. Luton Town was a harder squad for him to find playing time on than Wycombe, and that became even more apparent last season, where he struggled to find minutes. Thus, with promotion to the Premier League, he too has been loaned back to the Championship, playing for Rotherham United this season, but with the open-ended possibility of coming back to Luton Town should they suffer the immediate drop back down.

#19: CAULEY WOODROW – Having football culturally really changes the opportunities of people. If you’d been born “Cauley Woodrow” in America, he’d have to be a lacrosse player at a private school, and if he’s lucky, get a Division III lacrosse scholarship somewhere where he’d rush a frat, live it up for four years in some small town college, then move into working in his dad’s insurance agency. But with the presence of footballing culture in England, this particular IRL Cauley Woodrow likely barely even had to pretend at school. He’s another one with previous Premier League experience, having been a squad member of Fulham from 2011-19, as they bounced up and down (as Fulham does), getting 6 appearances in 2013-14, including a singular goal in their match against Crystal Palace in May of 2014.

#20: LUKE BERRY – Berry has been a sporadic sub off the bench for Luton Town for a number of years, and has navigated four tiers of English football with the club. Thus, you kinda gotta love a dude like this finally getting Premier League minutes, as Berry has this season already. One of The Hatters longest-tenured players as well.

#21: KAL NAISMITH – Naismith had been a utility defender for The Hatters, who could play on either side of the defense, and in 18 months, accumulated 69 appearances across all competitions. He moved to Bristol City before last season, but the immensity of his minutes before that means he still shows up on this list, even after having been gone an entire year. That’s how the metaphysical list works. You put in an incredible amount of time on a club, and it takes a while for all that work to be cleansed from the club’s psyche.

#22: HENRI LANSBURY – Lansbury spent the past two seasons as a Luton Town midfielder who previously had 13 Premier League appearances under his belt (3 with Arsenal in his younger days, then 10 while with Aston Villa in 2019-20). He played sporadically last season, and officially retired a few weeks ago.

#23: LUKE FREEMAN – A former wonderkid who, while with Gillingham, became the youngest player to ever play in an FA Cup tie, subbing on at 15 years and 233 days. Got scooped up by Arsenal after that notable moment, but never once got an appearance for the Gunners, and has wandered the top three tiers of English football, mostly in the Championship, for the past 12 seasons. He did get 11 Premier League appearances while with Sheffield United in 2019-20. After being released by the Blades in summer of 2022, he spent last season pitching in for Luton Town, mostly as substitute on attack.

#24: CAMERON JEROME – You talk about grizzled vets of English football? Jerome is now 37, and outside of a stint in the Turkish Super Lig with Goztepe, has spent all of it England, on a multitude of clubs. In fact, age contributed to his time at Luton Town ending, as in January of this year, he felt all the traveling from his home in the north-west of England tiring, so they ended his contract on mutual consent, and he signed with League One’s Bolton Wanderers. He had appearances on the England U21 team from 2005 through 2008, but agreed to represent Grenada in October of last year (which probably added to his travel fatigue). Still with Bolton in League One this season, he’s got well over 300 Championship appearances, and over 200 Premier League appearances. One of those old ass strikers who just can’t quite give it up, and has seen it all in English football.

#25: JAMES SHEA – Shea seems to be Luton Town’s eternal back-up GK, whose been with them since their League Two days. He played a prominent role in their single League One season, and has sporadically had spells as their number one in the Championship years. He’s still holding down a spot on the squad, and wears their #1 jersey still.

SONG OF THE DAY: Tip Toe

It’s really fucked up that there’s not a Suga Free fishing show yet. (This is a great article on the elder wizard era Suga Free.)

SONG OF THE DAY: Gol E Yakh (kudzu'd)

This song is an all-time jam, and god bless the Record Gods for allowing me to find the 45 box set finally that got released a few years back. Inject slowed Gol E Yakh straight into my soul once every three days, to that I may microdose the lounge.

SONG OF THE DAY: Love Come Down (kudzu'd)

When I lived in town, these weird ass amazing red spider lilies bloomed all over the back yard. It was a blessing because I was living in a shitty basement apartment in a rapidly gentrifying part of an already overly-expensive small southern city, and the spot was a bit moldy and cramped, but whatever man. We do what we have to do. The pandemic shut things down and I worked “from home” at a card table in the tiny kitchen, which had a window where the ground was at sill level, so I scattered birdseed out there and would watch the birds while working. When life gives you lemonade, you add seltzer water.
When I finally moved (buying a house outside of town, because somehow that was cheaper than renting, and somehow I actually qualified) my girlfriend transplanted some of the red spider lilies from there to her compound and my new spot. I saw where one had sprouted in the yard over by the trash shed the other day, and sure enough it was in full spider lily bloom today. I ended up cutting grass, and I’m glad I did because I saw four other clusters of the red spider lilies scattered around the yard, looking like little fireworks bursts that miniature fairies would’ve shot off. It was nice to see that connection of time, from shitty apartment to current yard, and being able to identify the timeline of that particular plant moving along with me. That’s presence in space (or spaces), seeing what’s going on around you. I’ve not always been great about that in my life, lost in my own blurry chaos for grand chunks of it, which was learned behavior too, so I didn’t even know how to observe shit like spider lilies, too busy being vigilant about other things that tended to rear up more easily into my consciousness.
I drove the riding mower around all the clusters of spider lilies, for now while they’re bloomed, and then I’ll forget and hit them and scatter them more, so that next year, around the time fall is starting to tease itself into the air, there’ll be more fireworks of red spider lilies throughout the yard. And the longer I’m able to somehow live and stay in this place, inshallah, the more fireworks I’ll get… the quiet, beautiful, enjoyable kind; not the explosions of burning bridges and alcohol-infused implosion that came naturally to me earlier in life. It’s hard to learn new shit or establish different patterns than what you’re accustomed to, but we’re all transplanted humans generations removed from our ancestral “roots”. It can be done.

SONG OF THE DAY: Upside Down (kudzu'd)

Once the water is boiling whenever I’m making pasta, and I’ve dumped all the noodles in, I spike the empty box on the floor like a football and then kick it over towards the laundry room. That’s just how I am. It can’t be helped.

SONG OF THE DAY: (Everybody Wanna Get Rich) Rite Away (kudzu'd)

The funkiest slowed down beats sound like cicadas in summer humidity, with the threat of whippoorwills every now and then, and you love it because it envelopes you, and even when you think about the foxes that might lurk in the dark beyond your human sight, you know they’re little playful things, and pose no threat. Even the coyotes want nothing to do with you, because you’re the biggest threat of all, because you haven’t joined the symphony of nature yet. Maybe you think you have, but if it’s only on the conscious level and hasn’t returned to our collective subconscious, then we ain’t done shit, except too much. We got one foot in “living natural” but only the little toe and the other foot (our right one) is still firmly set down in the false comfort of wealth’s abstraction, which the humanly blessed amongst us hoard like oxygen in a punctured atmosphere, while the rest of us clamor for scraps and dream of becoming free of the struggle of trying to exist in a world ruled by these abstractions.

SONG OF THE DAY: Dreams I'll Never See (kudzu'd)

Rainbow beer cans scaring folks stoked by fears and anxieties of wokeness, in order to ignore the brokenness of how we live where we live, which none of us got a stack of brochures and did deep selection process. Lol, our parents fucked and we were born inside imaginary borders and somehow no matter where this happens, folks get riled up to think it’s the most magical place to have ever existed, that all imagined gods have deigned it the supreme plot of Earth to have a birth randomly happen. Manufactured woke outrage and the perceived inability to realize dreams, while those who truly can’t ever have their dreams be a reality keep getting smooshed between the pyramid scam that’s paying better than ever dividends to the eyeballs at the top. The greatest trick the devil ever played was the all sleight of hand, with two transgender M&Ms underneath 3 Coke bottle caps (plastic, not glass, like at the Mexican grocery store), and flipping them around until you pointed at the one you thought was the great global conspiracy when actually it was under a different cap.

SONG OF THE DAY: Real Love (kudzu'd)

Wearing an iron-on letter shirt that says SOUTH SIDE BABY MAKER to the Food Lion after work, with white Polo socks and orange and white sherbert Adidas slides, just to see if they got any more of that albacore tuna in the pouch on clearance for 55 cents a pouch. If they ain’t got none left, I’ll find something simple to buy so that I don’t walk in and out and feel like the surveillance gods put another mark against my good name, markdown chicken leg quarters if I’m lucky, but usually I’m not, so I’ll throw $10 into the lottery machine and poke some numbers out of it and dream about not being almost crushed by American life until I see I didn’t win, again.

SONG OF THE DAY: What I Am (kudzu'd)

You know how in Friday when Craig and Smoky are looking at Mrs. Parker looking all Instagram milf reel but ahead of her time across the street, and Smoky goes, “Mr. Parker just ain’t hittin’ that right”? Any time I listen to this slowed down “What I Am”, I think to myself (and sometimes even say out loud to the cats), “Mr. Simon ain’t hittin’ that right.” But another thing about rich dudes who do that “I keep getting older but they stay the same age” thing IRL is that they gonna be dead and have passed on their wealth to a woman my age. So maybe I still got a shot. Maybe I still got a shot.

SONG OF THE DAY: Freaky People Pt 1(kudzu'd)

Made me and my girlfriend matching iron-on letter shirts, black shirts with silver sparkle letters. One says SUPER FREAK, the other says SUPER FREAKY. I kept asking her to choose, because I didn’t want to assert authority over our roles, but she kept deferring and making me choose. So they were sitting on the couch, she was across the room, and I threw the SUPER FREAK one at her, and kept the SUPER FREAKY one. Says a lot about our relationship to be honest. Anyways, we wore them out one time and people looked at us like we were fuckin’ crazy.

SONG OF THE DAY: Mysterious Vibes

Mysterious Vibes are a wonderful vibe. I also like Rare Vibes, Lush Vibes, (the underrated) Vibrant Vibes, Naked Coconut Oil Vibes, Flea Market Vibes (so long as the use of the word “vintage” is kept to a minimum… too much “vintage” is giant red flag), Fuck It Vibes (a classic for me), and White Birch Vibes. Honestly, White Birch Vibes is a gateway vibe to Mysterious Vibes anyways, but it felt important to mention because I’d just enjoyed some White Birch Vibes the other day.

SONG OF THE DAY: Drive By

You should listen to more Bambu. If this sporadically active kinda music blog has taught you anything, it should be that.

SONG OF THE DAY: Fool's Paradise (kudzu'd)

I was thinking today how weird it is we have pocket computers, and we look up information, but before we can find the information there’s tricks designed to get us to waste money, and we have to move past the tricks (which are everywhere) to try and find the information we’re looking for. But also by the time we find it, or after we find it, there’s multiple gamified options at our lit-up fingertips that may or may not cause our brain to release dopamine, so we go do those things, at least temporarily. All of this is complete physiological neurology, hardly anything psychological or in our control about all of it. Sure, we learn to control how much we let these neurological urges distract us from what we were hoping to be doing, but it’s living in an environment full of these little tricks, scattered entirely through our existence, which test our human abilities. Like we learn to deny ourselves our natural impulse. It’s all so fucked up. We built a completely warped dystopia, but we act like it’s all still down the road if we’re not careful. Lol, we done did it. We’re living in it.

16-Man Metaphysical Roster: CLUB AMERICA

{Club America taking over an American stadium}

[16-Man Metaphysical Rosters are divined using a football metaphysics methodology where minutes played over the past 50 competitive club matches determines which 16 players constitute the strongest psychic influence over a club’s current psychic trajectory. Intuitive analysis is then added, with a decidedly un-American foundation. Football metaphysics believes in the beautiful game, not the modern corporate spectacle. We have more of a love for Maradona in Mexico than Messi in Miami. One North American club is done each month, divided equally between Liga MX and the MLS, as they are the top two leagues in our home country of America (because in footballing terms, many parts of America are actually Mexico). This is now a solo project again by Raven Mack, but used to be a small group effort, so it bears saying, Rest In Peace Neil.]

The Leagues Cup has been going on the past month, with the North American introduction to Lionel Messi (as well as refs disparately calling things in his goatness’s favor). This was the first one to include all the clubs in both MLS and Liga MX, and with the World Cup being hosted jointly in North America in 2026, I sometimes think we’re headed towards a multinational league (more so than the current US/Canada one); but also, I just don’t know. Mexico has the stronger and deeper football history, and to be honest, the better top clubs. But in order to make this big event happen, all the Mexican clubs had to agree to leave Mexico for the month and take no home matches. It’s very one-sided (as was the allocation of World Cup 2026 host cities), and I think the biggest obstacle to a unified North American land mass league is how far is Liga MX willing to compromise itself. The quality of the league (and the national team) has already suffered in recent years as Mexican clubs no longer compete in Copa Libertadores – a far more difficult and historic tournament than anything CONCACAF could come up with. That’s tied Mexican clubs to the MLS for international competitions, and a combination of MLS clubs getting better and Mexican clubs playing down to their opponents has closed the gap a good bit. But because of this long-term prognostication on my part that the business of football means the metaphysics will be compromised for some sort of hybrid MLS/Liga MX league of some sorts – even if it’s further expansion of this Leagues Cup nonsense – means I’m going to do a 16-man metaphysics for one North American club every month as well (hopefully, lol). I’ll alternate between Liga MX and MLS. And it only makes sense (even though I did actually use their performances in both domestic leagues and CONCACAF Champions League from the past 7 years in compiling this) to begin with Club América, which is like the Dallas Cowboys or Los Angeles Lakers of Mexican fútbol. In fact, in their appearances in Leagues Cup, it was wild to see how, no matter where in America (the county) they played, América (the club) had supporters turning out in huge numbers, turning stadiums yellow. The Chicago Fire match felt like an away game for the Fire, which was to be expected considering the large Mexican population in the Chicago area. But it didn’t really seem to matter where they were at, as supporters showed up for every match, making noise and dominating the stadium’s chant and cheer discourse. Club América is not on their best stretch though, despite still being a top club. They still have more Liga MX titles than anybody else, but they’re in the midst of a five-year dry spell (with Liga MX having two seasons per year, rather than just one); and they haven’t sniffed a Champions League title since going back-to-back in 2015 and 2016 (though they did lose the final to Monterrey in 2021). All of this despite being the home of major football figures both at the managerial and player level. Strangely, this past summer, there was a lot of talk of Gregg Berhalter coming in, as further sign of Mexican fútbol compromising itself for U.S. dollars, but thankfully that didn’t happen, and Brazilian André Jardine was brought in instead. Not exactly a proven entity, but obviously América felt the need to shake things up. Nonetheless, according to our advanced football metaphysics dorkmetrics (minutes played in the past 50 competitive club matches), here’s your top 16 forces on this Club América squad’s psyche (through August 08, 2023)…

#1: ÁLVARO FIDALGO – The flow of talent tends to be from the western hemisphere to Europe at a younger age, but if not good enough for the jump to Europe, a lot of Spanish-language South Americans come to Liga MX. And then fading stars make their way backwards on the exploitation migration channels as they age out of their prime. Álvaro Fidalgo is the somewhat rare example of a European player moving west (although one of Mexico’s biggest stars, André-Pierre Gignac of Tigres also went went), joining América on loan from a second division La Liga club in 2021, and then the move being made permanent. He’s become a fulcrum in the middle of the midfield for América, aiding in attack and distribution to more potent scoring threats (though he’s not above chipping in a goal himself). Fidalgo spent teen years at the Real Madrid youth academy, so he’s experienced football at a level a lot of Liga MX dudes have not, so even though he’s still only 26, he does have somewhat of an elder role with the club on the pitch.

#2: SEBASTIÁN CÁCERES – Cáceres is a young Uruguayan defender who made the jump from his youth team in his native country to América back in 2020. He’s actually gotten 3 appearances with the Uruguayan national team in the past couple years as well, but it’s doubtful he’ll grow into a player that makes the jump to Europe. Liga MX doesn’t have quite the same level of player movement every season that MLS does, but there’s still a good bit of it. A guy like Cáceres will likely see América get all they can out of him, then he’ll bounce between a couple other Liga MX clubs, before eventually heading back home a decade down the road. There’s an honorable tradition of South America players who aren’t quite great enough for Europe but can make a solid (and well-paying) career in Mexico, which is a top-paying league in this hemisphere.

#3: RICHARD SÁNCHEZ – Sánchez is honestly the fiery heart of this club a lot of times. The Paraguayan might not be as Mexican famous as Henry Martin or Julián Quiñones or Diego Valdés, but chances are if somebody has gotten pissed off and decided to angrily take over a match on offense, it’s gonna be Sánchez. My favorite club in Liga MX is Santos Laguna, and one of their best ever players in recent times was Brian Lozano (now at Atlas, and diminished after injury) but both Lozano and Sánchez similarly have this “fuck you” switch that you can actually get switched on, and know they are about to try and get as stupid as possible in owning a defender. And it’s great when it works. Sánchez has a whole lot more support than Lozano ever did, but they both have worked with Valdés, who definitely benefits from the presence of that type of attitude alongside him. I love Sánchez.

#4: DIEGO VALDÉS – Like I just said, I pull for Santos Laguna, and Valdés was a force for them for a while. He’ll hit 30 next January, so he’s obviously one of those dudes like I mentioned before that comes from a footballing nation (Chile) but not quite good enough to jump the Atlantic. He’s made a good living for himself, and remains a threat to score. Probably most notable for his time on the Chilean national team when he made racist slant eyes gesture before a match with South Korea in a friendly after World Cup 2018 had ended. Wears the #10 for Club América… an always important fact to note in Latin America.

#5: HENRY MARTÍN – #21 in your program, but number one in Club América’s supporters’ hearts, Martín has been figure on the squad for a long time now, having joined way back in December of 2017 when heavyweight coach (both figuratively and literally) Miguel Herrera was in charge. Martín’s also been a regular presence on the national team, and with both the national team and Club América occupying Estadio Azteca in Mexico City, it’s all helped Martín to be an outsized figure in Mexican football. That being said, the club’s lack of success in winning liguilla has corresponded directly with Martín’s time there. So I don’t know.

#6: ISRAEL REYES – Young defender who made the move to América from Puebla last winter, and has become key on that side of things pretty quickly. The exposure on a big club has helped him get more time on the national team this year as well, with 11 of his 14 appearances for El Tri coming in 2023. That gig at Estadio Azteca is still prominent at club level, to get you in the Mexican football mind’s eye.

#7: JONATHAN RODRÍGUEZ – Another Uruguayan who has bounced around Liga MX for a number of years, had a spell with Benfica in Portugal earlier in his career (but never stuck on the A team), and even spent the first half of last year playing for Al-Nassr in Saudi Arabia, before the Cristiano Ronaldo torrent of European superstars took hold. Before the Saudi stint, he’d spent a number of seasons with Cruz Azul, who also play in Estadio Azteca, so the home of Mexican football has also been Rodríguez’s home since 2019 for the most part.

#8: MIGUEL LAYÚN – As Henry Martín is to the offensive side of Club América, Miguel Layún is on the defensive side. An elder statesmen of Mexican football, who spent a long time on El Tri, including at both the 2014 and 2018 World Cups, he had a major stint with América earlier in his career, bookended by prominent European experiences in Serie A with Atalanta and England with Watford. Layún played a number of years in Europe, in Portugal and Spain as well, returning to Mexico to join Monterrey in 2019, but coming home (sort of) to América in June of 2021. Even at 35, his presence looms large, often adorned with the captain’s armband.

#9: ALEJANDRO ZENDEJAS – Again, the migration pattern of players is generally speaking, Latin American players who aren’t going to a higher caliber league make their way to MLS, but you don’t see a lot of American players going to Liga MX. Alejandro Zendejas is the rare counter example, but also very much a part of both sides of the border, having been born and living in Juárez and El Paso. As a teen, he signed a contract with FC Dallas, but ended up joining Chivas pretty early on, and part of that deal was to agree to play for the Mexican national team rather than the US one, because Chivas wouldn’t have had him otherwise. He spent some time with Necaxa after Chivas, but then joined América January of last year. He’s steadily gotten minutes as a winger since then. He also became source of controversy between national teams last year, as FIFA investigated him being played in a couple friendlies by El Tri despite not having filed the proper paperwork for national team allegiance. (Zendejas played as a youth player for the US.) The eventual outcome was that Mexico had to forfeit all matches Zendejas appeared in (the two friendlies, plus a few U-23 matches he played in) and he switched back to the US team, even scoring a goal for them against Grenada in Nations League play. It seems shocking he’d remain in Mexico after all that, but thus far, he’s remained a part of Club América. Still only 25, I would not be shocked to see him come back across the Rio Grande to one of the Texas teams in the near future.

#10: NÉSTOR ARAUJO – Araujo’s another long-time Mexican defender for the national team, who spent long stints at both Cruz Azul and Santos Laguna, as well as Celta de Vigo in Spain for four years. As is often the case with big names that went to Europe, América was the most likely landing spot upon returning to Mexico. He and Layún make a pretty legendary tandem on defense, both huge names in Mexican football, but Club América specializes in those. Got no idea on how payrolls are in Liga MX, but nobody has TV deals and merchandise moving like América. They can afford people nobody else in Mexico can.

#11: LUIS FUENTES – And Fuentes is like the other side of a Liga MX defender to Araujo and Layún. Fuentes played a decade for Pumas, and has bounced around a few other clubs, so is well known in his three year stint with América. But he’s only had a single appearance of the national team in that long and competent career. He’s still strong by Liga MX standards, but also 36. They got a couple younger folks on defense (the two Reyeses), but damn, they got some age out there too.

#12: LUIS MALAGÓN – Mexican GK getting his highest profile gig after periods with Morelia and Necaxa. His signing was no small deal because he came in to replace Mexican legend Guillermo Ochoa, who dazzled the world at World Cup 2014. Malagón’s gotten a couple of caps for the national team himself, but he’ll never be at that level of Ochoa. However, Ochoa has gotten older, and current Malagón is an upgrade to current Ochoa, who took a contract in Italy to play last December the same time Malagón joined América. It’s tough replacing a national legend like that, even if Ochoa’s best moments didn’t come during that Club América stint, but Malagón has done well.

#13: SALVADOR REYES – The other of the dos Reyes who are the younger defenders helping keep the club up to speed. They’re not related, and Salvador plays on the left side, and has been with the club a couple years longer, but has found it harder to keep his minutes on América’s crowded roster.

#14: LEONARDO SUÁREZ – Suárez has a solid footballing pedigree, having grown up and first featured as at the senior level for Boca Juniors (one of the top clubs in this hemisphere), and then spending five years in Spain under contract to Villarreal. He came back to this half of the Earth in January 2020, joining América, and though he spent a year loaned to Santos Laguna, since he’s returned, he’s forced his way into the conversation as being a necessary member of their squad. Nonetheless, it’s a crowded squad, with Martín and Julián Quiñones needing their time as well, so Suárez is likely seen as expendable by the club ultimately. Wouldn’t be surprising to see him loaned out again to another Liga MX club for a year, or even make the jump to MLS. He’d do pretty good against American competition.

#15: EMILIO LARA – The youngest (21) most promising defender of all on this squad, who also has expectations for him at the national team level. Lara joined América at age 15 as a youth player, and the 2022-23 season really asserted himself as a key member of the squad. He also got his first national team appearance too, and thus far has spent his entire professional career at Club América. Even in Mexico, homegrown players can be rare, because on a club like this, rarely is a young player good enough to start in front of the expensive veterans, but Lara has carved his spot. And with the age of some of the older guys, his role will likely only grow.

#16: ÓSCAR JIMÉNEZ – Jiménez is another example of becoming a prominent player on big domestic club with zero international presence. He’s considered one of the captains of the club, and has held onto a GK slot over the years since 2017, despite being supplanted by first Ochoa and now Malagón. When he first came on, it was a back-up to a different guy back then, so he’s handled the role well, of maintaining that secondary beta position, but stepping up whenever necessary. It’s a rare aesthetic to be a highly competent back-up GK like that, but Giménez plays it well, which is why he is one of the club’s captains despite not being a regular member of the starting XI.

SONG OF THE DAY: Is It All Over My Face (Original Male Version) (kudzu'd)

Jeff Hardy is a tragic tale of dreams coming true and destroying your soul. If we had time travel, I wonder what today Jeff Hardy would go back and tell back then Jeff Hardy? Lolol, that’s a trick commentary, because today Jeff Hardy would just go retrieve back then Jeff Hardy and manage him in WWE, destroying himself (again) for a percentage of the payoff. You never get as much as you think for selling your soul, even if you could do it more than once.

SONG OF THE DAY: West Coast for Suuure (Sweatson Klank Remix)

The gods of funk are far more disparate than we give them credit for, having come from the coastal regions around the Earth, moving along tributary migration paths (sometimes voluntarily, often times against their own consent) to locations in parts unknown. Yet the gods always seem to push their greatest prophets back from these nether regions towards the warm weather coasts again. The salt water is both the primordial breeding ground for the gods of funk, and where the necessary salt air is best for fermenting into the thickest sermons of funk best exemplifying the gods of funk's prophecy - that the thickness of the music is too much for brain, and in fact beyond the brain's ability to even deduce how to recreate in an analytical way, and in fact moves your heart, but even deeper still, pops your gut congresses with butterfly goodness, and gets your ass to shake against all better thinking (by brain). It is a beautiful thing, and we should all light a stick of incense and lay down some chunks of quartz somewhere in the house in honor of these great ancient gods of funk who continue to make our lives so god fuckin' blessed.

SONG OF THE DAY: Genius of Love (kudzu'd)

This remains a DJ Screw classic, slowed down a few times on grey tapes, and it’s an impeccable crossover classic by old school new wave band that jumped the genres fences before they were erected entirely in that early ‘80s environment that saw new wave and early hip hop mixing together with more ease than later decades would lead you to believe. Movements have always been multicultural, until systems come along and slap channels in place to funnel folks towards divisive positions. I got three copies of this 45, and am always looking for more on the cheap (because two of my copies are crystal clean and one is a little rough but solid and doesn’t skip, just got that nice snap crackle pop ambiance… but you always want back-ups on highly loopworthy 45s slowed down; one never knows when they’ll encounter the devil at a crossroads and he’s got 7 turntables and 6 cross faders set up and says “juggle a beat for your soul”.

SONG OF THE DAY: I Need Some Money (kudzu'd)

Kids ain’t been here a couple weeks so I been eating all the gross food in the freezer and cabinet nobody wants, because groceries are too expensive. Hope I hit that fuckin’ Mega Millions lol. Over here getting drained.

Sunday Slowdown Chapter 010: Crying Jack of Diamonds

CRYING JACK OF DIAMONDS

Dropped another Sunday Slowdown because I was feeling down so instead of destroying other Earthlings, sunk into the 45 stacks and got lost in the oldies. I feel better, thanks for asking.

SONG OF THE DAY: Don't Stop the Music (kudzu'd)

I believe in slowed music as a revolution, so DJ Screw means a lot to me. He was the flag bearer of this shit, and somebody else might’ve come along and done it if he hadn’t, but the conditions of him making tapes and the Houston scene at the time craving and supporting that sound made it be his thing to happen. Hip hop came along 20 years earlier, and had re-appropriated record collections as an instrument for collaging a new sound together. Of course, by the time Public Enemy’s third album had come around, the copyright infringement police had come along and destroyed the possibilities of sampling through legal risk and the costs associated with clearing samples. That came about in the late ‘80s at the turn of the decade, so it’s no accident that mixtape culture blew up in the ‘90s, just slapping a “for promotional purposes only” tag on shit you’ve cobbled together. Legalized capitalism has always been against hustling, but hustlers always figure out workarounds.
Anyways, jazz music fucked around with time changes (the good jazz, not the old white dude jazz) so speed changes were bound to come about the longer people played with record collections as instruments. Screw slowing it down was embracing that southern lifestyle – moving slow, talking slow, taking it slow, in a literal sense. It absolutely would’ve happened if he hadn’t done it, but thankfully he showed up to do it when he did to accelerate the possibilities.
I got this book a while back called Boogie Down Predictions that looked amazing at first glance, and had an article on Screw and something like the temporal politics of slowed music. The article sucked though, lacking any esotericism or actual lounge, just being academic masturbation of a fringe topic, like “Haha, I wrote an academic article about chopped and screwed music.” It did nothing to advance or support the actual philosophy, thus wasn’t necessary.
Records themselves have become overly expensive, so even getting shit you know is good is costly as fuck. I’ve always been that old school record head style though where you dig beyond the popular zones in obscure spots and find hidden gems. Changing the speed of music allows you way more room to move like that. I can find a crate full of 80s electronic funk that a regular speed record hipster is going to hear as formulaic crap from the past. Slow it down though and it changes the whole ambiance of the sounds, and that electronic funk absolutely bangs when slowed down. It’s one of my favorite genres of slowed music. Anything people used to roller skate to while high on cocaine is perfect for slowing down. So I spend a lot of times digging through old 45s, playing things nobody would ever expect me to play, to try and find those hidden loungers, even if all I do is spin once in a while for a small group of listeners. It’s still the slowed music revolution. I actually got run off the local community radio station for playing slowed music (though they’ll say I could’ve kept playing it, just not during the daytime when people might actually be listening, lol… fuck ‘em), because some know-it-all white dude types were up in arms about music being played at the wrong speed. It was disrespectful, or some shit like that. To who? And why do you care music is played at the right speed? Like what does it even matter? Every DJ turntable has a pitch shift control anyways, so what, we’re only supposed to use that for a 1%-5% shift? What’s outside allowable?
None of that matters. It’s just people who think they’re the experts on everything trying to say you can’t do something some other way that’s outside their ideas of a norm. (The most bizarre thing about this locally was the dudes who were mad about wrong speed music tend to put themselves out there as these crazy punk rock types, so it’s extra weird and hypocritical as fuck that they’d even care, much less complain to community radio station programming managers enough to cause drama. But it just confirms my slowly learned realization that Gen X punks are basically the same as Baby Boomer hippies in terms of hypocrisy and being desperate as fuck to see themselves as the good types of people even though they’re directly complicit in why everything is so fucked up in America.)
Anyways, I’m thankful for screwed music because it gives us the ability to enjoy shit in a different way, and take the crap we’ve already accumulated through consumption and find a new use for it. Fuck normalcy or even trying to make somebody accept anything as normal. It’s always coming from a place of bias, regardless of what you’re trying to normalize. Don’t normalize anything. And don’t stop the music, ‘cause it tends to soothe.

SONG OF THE DAY: Psychedelic Woman (kudzu'd)

I’d like to become one of those rich hipsters that has enough free time and money that he flies to Africa and goes digging for old 45s. I’d probably go to Peru first, but West Africa would be near the top of the list. Of course if I was a rich hipster asshole, I probably wouldn’t even think about playing records as much, because I’d be hooked on opiates in Tunisia or some shit. But still it’s fun to pretend that if I were rich, I wouldn’t be a selfish piece of shit, although I guess digging through old ass records because you have the wealth to do so is still fairly selfish. Not like I’d be making the world a better place. But the point of getting rich is not to make the world a better place… it’s to escape having to give a fuck about anything! Giving a fuck about things becomes so incredibly tiring.