NFL WEEK 14: The Playoff Bound

This week, as part of my last cycle of self-important football analysisting interweb dorkeries, I shall visit the NFL teams that I, with four weeks left, will wholeheartedly guarantee shall be in the playoffs. Most of these are no-brainers, but there's a couple divisions where it's not so obvious who will definitely get a playoff berth. But fuck it, this is the internet, I am a white man (we are a self-righteous people), and I can make confident statements publicly without qualms, mostly because maybe only like five people will actually see this. And of this five, probably none of them will hold me to any of this. So here we go...

#1: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (12-0, 1st overall) - Man, I was so sure my beloved beleagured Redskins were gonna pull off the upset last week, but like a shitty team does, they found creative and impressive ways to still come out on the bottom. And the Saints seem blessed at this point, which means engineered, because it has become obvious in the past decade how the NFL is half-fixed. Not outright predetermined like wrestling, but it's engineered in certain directions, through tuck rules and special field goal balls and so on to go in certain directions. It seems a little too much of a hotshot angle for them to be pushing a pair of undefeated teams into a Super Bowl, with the very great media match-up of the Saints and Colts, featuring New Orleans boy Peyton Manning. But that's a high watermark to establish, an epic battle like that, so I doubt it'll happen. But I think the Saints might be getting the undefeated push into the Super Bowl to lose to somebody, yet establish themselves as one of the pre-eminent franchies in the NFL, even though they don't really have any sort of playoff pedigree.

#2: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (12-0, 2nd overall) - Peyton Manning and the boys will not go undefeated, as they won't have to, but I think they're being pushed to the moon this year, with Peyton Manning being installed in football lore as an unparalleled QB, on a different level from even future Hall of Famers like Tom Brady and Brett Favre, which is how he's being regarded by TV football talking faces. Personally, Peyton Manning annoys the fuck out of me, but it's gotten to the point I begrudgingly accept his high-ranking position in the NFL hierarchy, and so long as the NFL doesn't engineer a Manning brothers Super Bowl, I'll quietly accept Peyton's success. The Colts have the most boring fucking uniforms in the NFL, by the way.

#3: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (9-3, 3rd overall) - I am absolutely not sold on the Chargers being a legitimate upper echelon NFL team, and them having Norv Turner as their coach only reaffirms that opinion. Basically, they seem like the type of team that is really good, goes to the playoffs, and loses, and will barely be remembered in ten years because they never even made a Super Bowl to lose in. I've heard the hype that they are the team the Colts fear, because they beat them last year in the playoffs, but whatever man. The Chargers, beginning of the year, were about one loss away from total implosion. A game full of interceptions by Philippe Riviera and the defense getting picked apart by a quality QB, and they'll be right back near implosion. You have to give it to Norv Turner though, that guy is a cockroach of an NFL head coach, always doing just barely enough to justify not getting shit-canned.

#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (10-2, 4th overall) - All signs point towards Brett Favre leading the Vikings to a great showdown against the Saints in the NFC Championship game, but for some reason I feel like something's gonna break down on that team. Favre's an old dude, and if A.P. goes down with an injury, he's lost the thing that keeps defenses on the line, freeing up his hodgepodge assortment of no-name receivers to go long and have the Ol' Gunslinger sling a few pigskins their way. Even a tweaked knee in the playoffs that takes him out for the remainder of a game by Adrian Peterson could spell physical doom for Favre. Frankly, I wouldn't mind it either, as everybody's fallen in love with the dude again after his heroics this season, but he's still a fucking asshole who ended up exactly where his old team didn't want him to end up. If I was Aaron Rodgers, I would get Favre's daughter pregnant, if he has a daughter. If he doesn't, I'd make jokes about his wife's cancer.

#5: CINCINNATI BENGALS (9-3, 6th overall) - Here is the deal... it is very likely the Bengals, who sometimes dominate good teams and sometimes unexplainably lose to shitty teams, will back their way into the playoffs. They might very well only win one of their remaining games, but with a 3 game advantage over the Steelers and Ravens in their division, and having swept both those teams this season, one win is all they'll need to be AFC North champs. What happens then though? Probably not much. For all the self-hyping he does, Chad Ochocinco has never really crossed that threshold from great receiver to a memorable gamebreaker type, but he thinks he already is. That should help lead to a frustrating outing against someone in the AFC playoffs, and the back-up array of receivers in Cincy has not been as solid in recent weeks for Carson Palmer, whose window of proving he could be a Drew Brees or Eli Manning type of famous QB is inching ever closer to closed. Really, my favorite part of this team is Cedric Benson, who looks like a big goofy weedsmoking dreadlocked brother who would get arrested for drinking and driving a boat. It sort of makes me happy the NFL still has room for guys like that in today's stringent ass world. Oh yeah, also that Samoan d-lineman dude with the ridiculous ponytail that's like three times what Troy Polamalu kicks, I like that dude too. If I knew his fucking name (it's always covered by his hair), I'd wish for a jersey of his.

#6: ARIZONA CARDINALS (8-4, 7th overall) - There is so much about the Cardinals to like, with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquin Boldin, plus my man Tim Hightower repping Richmond, and a defense full of wacky black dudes who look like they could tear up some horseshoe pits at an extended family extended barbecue/cookout with pop-up tents just for the food to sit under. But damn it, there's stupid Kurt Warner, ruining it all by thanking Jesus for every fucking coin flip the Cardinals win, with his blurry ass concussion vision, seeing Christ with a Mac-11, loungin' between two pillars of ivory and shit. Therefore I can't fully endorse the Cardinals for anything, because as chill as their overall team vibe seems, the face of the franchise is a fucking shithead that fills my shrivelled little heart with hate.

#7: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (8-4, 8th overall) - Hard to say who is gonna be definitely coming out the NFC East this year, because the Cowboys are starting their standard December swoon right on schedule, and the Giants have looked shaky at times, and the Eagles have been touched up pretty hard by injuries. But it's hard not to expect the Eagles to make the playoffs yet again for the 39th time in 41 years, like they always do, and their offense is chock full of hardly known various threats, even with Bryan Westbrook on the shelf. And their defense always seems to be on the hunt, even with the injuries they've had on that side. Hard to not have faith in Assante Samuel making something happen if it needs to happen either. I don't see them going to any more Super Bowls any time soon, especially with Donovan McNabb's A-Rodesque playoff reputation, but they're the team to count on in the NFC East.

#8: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-5, 10th overall) - The Patriots also come out of a division where them winning is not so much a guarantee. But the Jets won't catch them, and the Dolphins might, but I analyzed the remaining schedules to get all for-sure on picking the Pats. Both the Dolphins and Patriots play Jacksonville and Houston, so we'll call that even. Outside of that, the Pats have Carolina at home and the Bills on the road, while the Dolphins play at the resurrected corpse of the Tennessee Titans and host the Steelers in the last week of the season where the Steelers will probably be trying desperately to get a wild card spot. Thus, it seems highly unlikely the Patriots won't take the AFC East, host a prominent wild card game the first round, and then we will get Tom Brady and his Super Bowl ring laden company going into Indianapolis for a much ballyhooed divisional round playoff game, most likely on primetime Saturday night, with extensive coverage ruining the game before it even starts. Congrats to Tom Brady and making an inevitably spoiled asshole son for the world as well. I'm sure the little future date rapist will be a great joy to Tom's life.

S14: Best College Football Teams

I had meant to do these the past two weeks as minor division college football playoffs have started up and shaved off contenders to the top of this list, but life has been too real and I ain’t done shit inside the internets to post of. But here we are, with this week’s Bully List of teams who are still as of yet undefeated in the various realms of college footballs and have won by the most average margins of points...

#1: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (13-0, 44.000 avg. margin of victory, #1 last time) - The first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs, Sioux Falls won 63 to 21, and 49 to 21 (against archrival Morningside, whose only two losses this season came to Sioux Falls). This week, in the NAIA semifinals (their 5th straight trip that far, and 7 out of 8 years they’ve made the NAIA football final four), they face-off against St. Xavier (see below) at home.

#2: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS (12-0, 39.583 avg. margin of victory, #7 last time) - Mount Union is the most dominant college football team of any division there is, and thus, rather than eke out victories and be near the top every year, like a Florida or Texas for Division I examples, they go undefeated most every regular season, and start to actually peak at the end of the year. First two rounds of the Division III playoffs, Mount Union beat Washington & Jefferson 55 to 0 and Montclair State 62 to 14. Their last 7 games combined, they’ve given up a total of 42 points, yet never scored less than 44 in any individual game. On top of all this, former Mount Union alum Pierre Garcon is making rare NFL noise for a Division III player as one of Peyton Manning’s latest WR beneficiaries. I had been wondering how a black dude could be named Pierre Garcon, but it turns out he’s Haitian, so colonialism is the explanation. Mount Union hosts Albright College this weekend in a Division III quarterfinal game.

#3: LINDENWOOD LIONS (12-0, 37.917 avg. margin of victory, #4 last time) - Crushed previously unbeaten Ottawa Braves last weekend, 64 to 26, and earned the right to roll into Montana to take on fellow unbeaten Carroll College in the NAIA semifinals, with a trip to scenic backwoods and mildly racist Rome, Georgia, for the NAIA championship on the line.

#4: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (12-0, 36.917 avg. margin of victory, #6 last time) - In their first two Division III playoff games this season, the Whitewater Warhawks of Wisconsin have outscored their opponents by 100 points. That’s two games. This week they take on another unbeaten and domineering team in Wittenberg in the D-III quarterfinals.

#5: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (13-0, 32.462 avg. margin of victory, #5 last time) - Scored 52 points per game the first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs and earn the right to go to Sioux Falls and in all likelihood get their asses kicked this weekend. But who knows. When the NAIA Cougars of St. Xavier play the NAIA Cougars of Sioux Falls in early December playoff action, you can throw the records out the window.

#6: WITTENBERG TIGERS (12-0, 31.667 avg. margin of victory, #8 last time) - Wittenberg, who has won big all year, is playing closer in the D-III playoffs, and has to travel to Whitewater, Wisconsin, to play one of D-III’s heaviest heavyweights this weekend, hoping for a couple of wins to get them to Salem, Virginia, to play in the Stagg Bowl. That would be the the D-III championship game, and Salem, Virginia, even in Virginia, is mostly known as “the outskirts of Roanoke.”

#7: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (12-0, 28.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - TCU shall be this year’s non-BCS darling in a big bowl game, but it won’t be a championship game, even if Texas loses to Nebraska and whoever wins the SEC title game has a plane wreck on the way home. Division I college football is stupid, and the excuses for no playoff system are basically like a Mexican cop justifying why you have to give him $100 to not go to jail.

#8: TEXAS LONGHORNS (12-0, 27.583 avg. margin of victory, #12 last time) - I got to watch a good portion of that Texas A&M vs. Texas Thanksgiving night game, and what the fuck? I thought Texas had defensive players drafted every year into the NFL. There was no defense in that game, and it kind of made me hope for a match-up against Alabama with them, for the conflict of interests that would create. But at the same time, Colt McCoy looks like an 11-year-old soccer field dickhead, in my mind making him Tyler Hansbrough-like, which means I hope Nebraska accidentally paralyzes him this weekend and Texas loses and ends up playing in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas or some bullshit.

#9: WESLEY WOLVERINES (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, #10 last time) - The Wolverines have been cruising through the D-III playoffs, and this weekend host road-ready, upset-minded Johns Hopkins University (I think they are the Fighting Interventionary Radiologists) in the quarterfinals, with a win setting up a showdown with stupid bad Mount Union.

#10: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - A couple of big wins the past couple weeks, including crushing Chattanooga, has given the Crimson Tide enough of a margin of victory, combined with D-III and NAIA playoffs picking off other teams, to finally crack this list. This past year, I’ve gotten more into college football than ever before, and I’m actually pretty stoked to watch the SEC Title game this weekend, especially to root against Florida because I hate Jesus.

#11: BOISE STATE BRONCOS (12-0, 25.750 avg. margin of victory, #14 last time) - Has a tune-up match on their blue turf against New Mexico State this weekend, and then anxiously awaits being screwed by BCS bullshit.

#12: CARROLL FIGHTING SAINTS (13-0, 21.538 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - The NAIA’s least dominant unbeaten dominant team, hosting Lindenwood in a high altitude semifinal football contest this Saturday.

#13: FLORIDA GATORS (12-0, 20.833 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Fuck Tim Tebow. You know what I mean? Let him go play in Canada.

#14: CINCINNATI BEARCATS (11-0, 20.727 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Pittsburgh ruined Cincinnati’s chance of a BCS title game back door sneak-in entry by losing to to West Virginia in the Backyard Brawl last weekend, so Cincinnati will have to settle for whatever non-championship game they get being Kings by Default of the Big East Conference.

Gone From This List From Last Time: Morningside Mustangs (lost at Sioux Falls last weekend, 49 to 21, in the NAIA playoffs), Monmouth Fighting Scots (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs two weeks ago, 43 to 21, hosting the St. Thomas Tommies), Case Western Reserve Spartans (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs to Trine College, 51 to 38, at home), North Alabama Lions (first they lost a quadruple overtime regular season-ending game against West Alabama, and then went into the Division II playoffs as a high seed but lost last weekend at home against Carson-Newman, 24 to 21, falling a couple games short of a national championship), Ottawa Braves (lost 64 to 26 last weekend to Lindenwood in the NAIA quarterfinals).

NFL WEEK 13: Draftboard Time

There are many who have complained about how bad the lower tier of NFL teams is this year, but honestly, I have no problem with it. The fact we get to watch every game possible now and it stretches from Thursday to Monday makes us pretend every game is more important. But back in the day, other than Monday night, everything was Sunday afternoon, and there were all types of shitty teams buried in the non-cablefied mix of thangs. A nice slew of shitty assed teams help guarantee dominant dynastic teams, which possibly sets up bullshit like the Saints vs. the Colts, both undefeated, in the Super Bowl, which would be amazing as fuck, but won’t happen. That would be like an Arena League game. Nonetheless, I’ve called in sick a few weeks this year, but I’m gonna start my final regular season cycle of team talkings this week, with the lowest rung, the shittiest of shitty teams that really have no hope for much else than not only getting a top draft pick but actually magically not blowing it like they have a long history of doing, which most of these teams do.

#1: BUFFALO BILLS (4-7, 22nd overall) - The fact T.O. has not imploded shows two things... first off, Buffalo is a deep, dark corner of the NFL earth, and two, nobody cares. They will never win in those ugly assed uniforms.

#2: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-8, 25th overall) - You would think the Chiefs would have a bright ass future, with like 25 1st and 2nd round picks the past few years combined, and they show flashes I guess, like beating Pittsburgh the other weekend, but they still end up being the Chiefs. I’m not sold on Matt Cassell as a solid dude to lead your team to not-sucktitude, but what the fuck do I know? I can’t even afford Madden 10.

#3: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-8, 27th overall) - My favorite sports team on the whole wide earth has pained me so painfully this year that I can’t even think of amusing or black-hearted ways to make fun of them. I am cry.

#4: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-8, 28th overall) - When I feel really sad about the Redskins, I try to look at the Raiders, where Al Davis is building an offense even more retarded to outsiders than Dan Snyder has done. But Dan Snyder is young, so give him time. He can one day be as old, weird, delusional, meddling, and stupid as Al Davis.

#5: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-10, 29th overall) - I have heard talk radio talkings of how some dudes could get fired after one year head coaching, including Raheem Morris in Tampa. How the fuck can you throw a 23-year-old black dude into a head coaching gig with that shitpot of misfits and expect him to succeed? I bet it’s because he plays too much rap music and the Glazer family is racist.

#6: CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-10, 30th overall) - Man, the Browns are a terrible terrible terrible football team coming apart at the seams. And yet somehow they might not get higher than the 3rd or 4th pick in next year’s draft. I guess there really is an abundance of excellent mediocrity this year.

#7: DETROIT LIONS (2-9, 31st overall) - They still seem to be doomed. Maybe they should’ve sacrificed Matt Millen on a lakeboat casino in a pagan ritual meant to cleanse the team of its terrible and tragic history, and then changed their uniforms to blood red and black like that team from Hell in Madden football.

#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-10, 32nd overall) - They won a Super Bowl in the past decade? For real though? Poor Stephen Jackson, dwindling away in obscurity, with a limited shelf life as an NFL running back.

J.J. Krupert Top 13 Countdown - November '09

Parametric brain of mine with thousands of self-prescribed rules, right inside the interweb for anonymous fools. This be last month's list done this month, yet I pre-date it like I used to post-date checks before electronic disbursement in reversal made floating along the poverty line a little harder to do with multi-generational ease. But we are survivors, and we adapt, grow thicker skins where new-fangled cuts from senseless cravings get us good, and try to chop at it all with a samurai sword of attitude. They say keep it positve, manifest destiny, utilize the power, and it all comes back, or happens, or whatever, but to maintain positivity at all costs is unbalanced mentality. What the fuck am I saying? I don't know, hardly ever do, but music is the background for every day of my life. Someone bought me a widescreen high def monstrosity and video game nonsense and I still barely cut it on and have it on mute half the time to hear the music coming from the kitchen speakers. Here are the songs most played inside the J.J. Krupert gaypod last month yall, yes yes yall...
#1: "Feel Like Going Home (demo version)" by Charlie Rich - In my personal experiences, Charlie Rich was the dude who did "Behind Closed Doors" which was awesome in the context of Every Which Way But Loose and Philo Beddoe kidnapping an orangutan for Clyde to fuck in the cheap hotel because that's what was right. Apparently, from nerd music blog world though, that '70s era Charlie Rich country mainstream hit status is beyond the low point of his career, where a music industry that doesn't understand anything ever compromised Charlie Rich's innate perfection, best exemplified by '50s shit he did on Sun Records. Of course, upon listening to that stuff, to me, a lot of it sounds like any '50s Sun Records shit, and I'm so averse to rockabilly dudes that I don't even like to admit I own a Sun Records patch, much less actively listen to that type of shit. That being said, this song, which I got off of an Oxford American music issue sampler, is one of the greatest fucking things ever. It's like that sad reflective type shit, but without regret, and I'd say I'd want this played at my funeral, but I always say that. But really, this would be what I'd want played as the pallbearers lowered my pinebox into the ground by ropes and then the immediate family would all take turns shoveling a bit of dirt on me, to let them let me loose from their emotional attachment. As for me, I'll be dead, and getting blowjobs in Heaven already.
#2: "Underdog" by Sly & The Family Stone - I thoroughly enjoy the fact Sly Stone was gone for so long everybody thought he was dead, and then he showed for like four days, including that Grammy's show where he had a blue mohawk but bailed out before his song was even done, and has been disappeared again ever since. If ever there was someone who was probably still freebasing in a cooked cracked world, it would be Sly Stone, a true throwback.
#3: "The Deadbeat Heartbeat of a Hobo" by 1000 Feathers - This is a hobo rap song that I started as a country song, writing in the truck with my oldest daughter, and I was about to abandon it, but she really liked it, so I finished writing it. I dig old school country music metaphor styles mixed into rap music, which tends to be pretty formulaic, even when it's the alleged creative types. I've been listening to a lot of camper shit I did late last year lately because I need to start doing some music again. My outlets have been plugged up for a while and I'm feeling the recklessness build.
#4: "Adam & Eve" by Ani Difranco - Look, I'll be honest with you... I've been listening to a shitload of Ani Difranco lately. Used to be, the first time me and my wife were dating when I screwed it all up, Ani Difranco was what she'd play when I was zonked out in the passenger seat of her Jeep Cherokee on pills or something, and it has that background, "I suck, don't I?" thing to it for me until recently. But man, I can dig on some Ani Difranco... not at all, but a lot of it, the old shit at least. Not to sound too corny and like some homo music review dork with one of those haircuts purposely made to look like I didn't take care of it, but she is some folk ass music that never could've happened before hip hop took over the earth. She plays an acoustic guitar angry as fuck, and I can dig on it. I just stole her lesbian album off the internet and have been playing that a whole lot lately. I also like cunninglinguing women.
#5: "Paycheck to Paycheck" by Corntooth - I know I wrote about this at some point, but this is a country band too good to be stifled by that stupid alt.country label that features dudes who have been involved in shit like Gwar and Lamb of God and my old roommate Matt and his ol' lady Janey, and it's good fucking shit. The mp3 of this is somewhere inside the internet for downloading for free but I'm too lazy to go find it as I already have it stored inside my miniscule robot music devices. Fend for yourself.
#6: "Motorhead" by Hawkwind - I'm a huge mark for Lemmy's last little stint with Hawkwind, and I wish he would've done a space rock "Ace of Spades" at that point as well. I could play this every day of my life and never tire of it.
#7: "Cell #33" by David Allan Coe - More prison record era David Allan Coe that amazes and sounds like Jerry Lee Lewis on angel dust in West Virginia because Nashville is for faggots.
#8: "Master of Puppets" by Metallica - Some homeboys of mine hooked us up with tickets to see Metallica recently, backstage passes and all, and it was kinda funny, because apparently Metallica (meaning mostly Hetfield and Lars) clear the hallways backstage 15 minutes prior to going onstage because they don't want to make eye contact with anybody as they make their way to perform. Oh man, really everything I saw just affirmed everything you'd think seeing that documentary about them. But me and the wife got drunk as shit, staggered our way back to my truck late as fuck, didn't wreck on the way home, and it ended up some girl disappeared at that show and that's been the biggest news story locally ever since. Her parents hired PR firms and created a logo for their disappeared daughter like two days after she disappeared, and it seems kinda creepy, not because she disappeared but because her parents are way too overbearing about it all, speaking about her in third person and shit. I have secretly assumed for a while now that the chick dumped her cell phone and split and is probably hanging with crusty punks in Portland, Oregon, right now, splitting a case of Meister Brau, but I've not told anybody this for fear of the internet secret police thinking somehow me and my wife had something to do with it, although with all my tools in the backseat of my truck, a third person would never fit in there at all. To Metallica's credit, they bountied up some reward money for someone to find the missing chick. To their discredit, seeing them live, Lars is a fucking dumbass. You are a drummer dude; sit the fuck down and play the drums.
#9: "Black Stars" by Sway - Big World Cup draw on Friday, and we shall all see how the Black Stars of Ghana are set up to do Africa proud. Did you know the black star on the Ghanaian flag is there because it was the first country on that continent to gain its independence? Did you know that a wonderful Christmas/birthday present for me this year would be the Extreme Canvas book about Ghana movie posters handpainted on potato sacks?
#10: "Iron Leg" by Mickey & The Soul Generation - From some sort of soul compilation I dl'ed at some point, and this track has a wicked ass loop towards the beginning, so when it shows up on my gaypod, I tend to repeat three or four times and freestyle about new moons and the crooked axis of earth skewing our collective logic and making squirrels be born albino in Illinois.
#11: "Wagon Wheel (live)" by The Porch Loungers - Missed Newportfest this past year, and keep missing going by my homey D's house to get my very own Porch Lounger t-shirt that's been sitting at his house for a while now. I have more versions of "Wagon Wheel" than a solitary dude should ever have, but it's a good song. Knowing the whole Bob Dylan outtake tape then wacky newgrass dude writes the rest of the song story made it even cooler for about a week, but then I didn't give a fuck and wished I had never heard that. It's a good song. I'm not the biggest Bob Dylan fan, but between his involvement in this song and him being in Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid movie, he's semi-directly been involved in me deciding to get drunk more than a handful of times.
#12: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys - I am highly conflicted internally about whether The Beach Boys and Brian Wilson are really wackily awesome or really fucking stupid. But the internal conflict confuses me enough to enjoy them far more often than I ever would've even five years ago. Perhaps I'm getting old and soon I'll be sitting on a lawn chair at a Beach Music Festival held at an abandoned airplane hangar.
#13: "Issues" by Finale - No one has ever heard of this Detroit rapper, and I think he might be one of my favorite rappers going nowadays. Of course, if he became famous, I would be all like, “You should’ve heard his older shit, it was way more real. His new shit is kinda wack.”

"Pigs" by Cypress Hill

Went to our friend's corn maize they run in soulless sprawling northern Va. today, and ended up bringing home a back end of a Subaru full of pumpkins, which made the all wheel drive drift and shimmy as all I could afford (credit check wise) was two new tires on the balded front ones last time and let the back ones ride. I told them dudes to move the back to the front but they didn't, fuckin' assholes. Anyways, brought the pumpkins home, took the kids inside and put them to bed and as the wife nursed the baby to sleep, instead of rushing to get inside and sit at the teat of the television, I carried the pumpkins, two at a time, across the yard to the stone altar, and set them up in a circle around it. Then went in and got the wife and lit a tea candle, to manifest the magic.
Blog will probably take a turn for something else in the coming future, as I always set up these odd parameters and this week, I got burned on the parameters. Things are moving right now for me, in a direction where I'm less likely to swallow a hollow point by the river one morning. At the same time, I've been faking the funk a bit. Shit man, I can think words in strange circles all day long inside my brainframe, but don't always put it inside this robot at the right angles. But I've been trying to focus on real things that bring me real satisfaction anyways. Life is short, and I've wasted a fat chunk of it with accumulated soul clutter. Trying to shake it off, and some days the thickets of brush around the edges of my brain are too thorny and thick to chop at, but I'm trying to get at it. But putting pumpkins in a circle around a strategically stack of stones seems right underneath the stars and the cool autumn air, and that type of shit has tended to reap better rewards in my life than any credit check ever did.

NFL WEEK 11: NFC North & East teams

Hey, let's talk about football again. I have not been doing bloggish things because life is full of realish things, but I have been watching football, and keeping up my nonsense mathematical calculation of team power codes, so let us get back to listifications and opinionizing like nothing ever skipped a beat. So here are the teams of the National Football League National Football Conference North Division and East Division, in full detail...

#1: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-1, 4th overall) - Man, I can't even take Brett Favre games seriously as they have Favre cams and analysts actually say "love of the game" and "gunslinger" and it's like a Mr. Show skit and I laugh and laugh and laugh and suck on my big balloon full of nitrous oxide I stole out the dentist's office because he doesn't lock his back door and only has the one ADT wire in the front part of his Main Street spot.

#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (6-3, 6th overall) - It's amazing how many games the Cowboys have won this year with Ralph Wiggum being allowed another year of "coaching" this team by Heath Ledger's last performance as owner. I will say this though, there are lots of players who get lots of hype that I don't like much for really no real good reason at all, and I will say derogatory things about them. But in my short lifetime of experiences, I have ran wide circles with many varying crowds, and you learn to not necessarily judge people but prepare yourself for them by the look in their eyes. It is the window to the soul. When I look into Tony Romo's eyeballs, even on the television, you see a man who is denying his true self and is a dishonest and probably self-abusive individual. He is the most obvious closeted, even to himself, gay man the NFL currently has, which is why T.O., a more flamboyant version of the same, had such a problem with Romo and Jason Witten being such "boys" and almost killing himself. Man, Dallas left behind the Jimmy Johnson era of drug addicted sodomites, but it seems their sodomite influence is as strong as ever. Has there ever been a professional sports franchise with such a rich and long history of sexual perversion?

#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (5-4, 13th overall) - As a Redskins fan, the Giants are like third-place rival, behind the obvious Cowboys and the Eagles (with their retard fans), so when the Giants do good, ehh whatever. And when they do bad, it is also like whatever. Really, this is a boring fucking football team. Eli Manning is like the most Phil Simms vanilla ass bitch you could probably still find in post hip hop America in the year 2009, and really, is there even a remotely interesting personality on this team left this year (other than obviously Osi Umenyiora, since there really aren't that many people who are stoked to piss on others for sexual gratification anymore)?

#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-4, 15th overall) - Look, I will be serious for a second here... Bryan Westbrook has been one of those solid dudes who even though they play for a division rival or your favorite team, they do it without ego and without bullshit swagger yet they fucking kick ass, including your favorite team's one, on the regular. But it's hard not to like that type of guy. This multiple concussion shit is something that even five years ago no one would've thought twice about, and shit man, honestly, I've had four or five concussions in my life, including a couple of really good ones that knocked me goofy for a few days. Usually, alcohol was involved, so you can blame the concussion effects on detoxing after a heavy drunk, but the last one I got there was no alcohol involved, so I felt the full effect of being knocked stupid because my brain had gotten swolled up inside its shell. It's some crazy shit, mostly because we study our brains as humans with our brains, so everything we "discover" has to be taken with a grain of salt. Still, you hate to see a dude like Westbrook be done because of rattled brains. But at the same time, maybe a solid dude would get out while he's still solid, ala Barry Sanders, instead of perpetuating the bullshit machismo football player stereotype and playing until they forcibly remove him from the league.

#5: CHICAGO BEARS (4-5, 18th overall) - Oh man, Jay Cutler is hilarious, with a natural born poutface tossing mad interceptions like he's your 8-year-old cousin playing you in Madden. I would have to assume somewhere along the way there was some sort of curse that has doomed Bears QBs to be retarded even when quite possibly good. This means two things... Firstly, no new QB will ever be good enough, especially after Bears fans were lining up to fellate Jay Cutler when he got traded there. And secondly, if you factor in the Bears Curse quotient, in actuality, Jim McMahon must've been better than Joe Montana, and would've won four Super Bowls, but he got stuck in Chicago inside their QB curse. Odd how they would always have awesome middle linebackers and terrible quarterbacks, like their heritage is full of pride for not losing too badly.

#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-4, 19th overall) - The Packers one week will be the best team in the NFC, and the next week they lose to the Browns or some shit like that. There is no identity, which I guess, sad as I am to make this statement, that's what made Brett Favre great. He might fuck up, or he might not, but you knew what was gonna happen every week. You don't really know what you're getting with this Packers team week in week out. Granted, their O-line is decimated to fuck, so the fact Aaron Rodgers can even do what he's done makes him a thousand times better than say a David Carr or Patrick Ramsey, and honestly, Brett Favre probably would've been crippled by now anyways and Rodgers would be their QB anyways.

#7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-6, 26th overall) - I am a Redskins fan, and I know there are lots of politically correct websites like buyoutsnyder.com or snydersucks or whatever about Dan Snyder not owning this team anymore. But I am a realistic man, and also not ashamed at all to just outright say, I hope Dan Snyder dies. I am a conscious man, so hopefully it's natural and mostly pain-free, but still, die Dan Snyder die. I'm sure this would be shocking to many, but really, if I can't wish death upon those that infringe upon a perfect Sunday for myself, then can I really call myself American? Am I truly free if I have to stifle these feelings of hatred for a little-dicked miniature man who has ran my one emotionally-important sports team into the worst years of my life? And I don't really want him to die, if he sells the team. But if he still owns them, then yes, I want him to die.

#8: DETROIT LIONS (1-8, 32nd overall) - Man, they were ranked last according to my methods last year, obviously, and somehow they've slipped back down to the last overall spot again this year. It makes me feel bad for Lions fans. Hell, they just sold the Silverdome for like half a million, which was the big sports talk radio bit of the day, but really, that's crazy as fuck. Like, where I live, the economy sucks, but the local redneck family who made a fortune building logging equipment, half a million is something they could pull together easily. They could've bought the Silverdome for a private members only mud bog club, except the Silverdome is in Michigan, where I guess people are way more fucked than here. Which I guess is also how I should look at my Redskins - we are a long way's from being the Lions. In fact, even if we sucked every year from here till my death, it still wouldn't be as bad as being a Lions fan.

S14: Worst College Football Teams

Here are the still the worst college football teams left in the ranks...

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-9, 42.111 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) - Lost 28 to 20 last week hosting the Southwestern Assemblies of God University, which had not won a game before that, so Texas College may have blown their best chance at not going 0-fer the year.

#2: SOUTHERN VIRGINIA KNIGHTS (0-7, 39.143 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) - Had the week off to let that 65 to 0 loss to Gardner-Webb percolate a little while before travelling to Webber this week. Southern Virginia only plays two home games all year long, for some reason. Probably, they don't want to watch them at home.

#3: BECKER HAWKS (0-9, 37.667 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) - Oh man, hosted Castleton this past week, who is in their inaugural year of football, and lost a shoot-out, 49 to 44, meaning, with one last game left against Husson, the Hawks are probably gonna wrap up 0-10.

#4: ROCKFORD REGENTS (0-8, 37.500 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) - A 32 to 6 loss to Benedictine keeps Rockford down, heading into their road game at equally bad Maranatha Baptist Bible College this weekend.

#5: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-9, 36.889 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) - They ended their first season of football hosting Gallaudet last weekend, and losing 56 to 7. Now, there is only next year, and hoping not too many teams ahead of them on this list get a win to move them up to one of the worst college football teams in all divisions.

#6: HIRAM COLLEGE TERRIERS (0-8, 34.375 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last week) - A somewhat respectable 38 to 6 home loss to Ohio Wesleyan, who looked as if they could put a severe stomping on Hiram. I guess at this point, you have to feel sorry for a team still without a win. The Terriers have two more shots, both on the road, at Wabash and at Oberlin.

#7: TRINITY INTERNATIONAL TROJANS (0-10, 33.700 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) - A solid 48 to 12 loss at Malone helped the Trojans of Trinity International University shoot up the Shit List five spots. They have only one more game against Walsh to solidify how bad they truly can be.

#8: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-9, 33.667 avg. margin of defeat, #13 last week) - A 47 to 6 home game loss to Slippery Rock helped the longtime inept Lock Haven team shoot five notches up the Shit List as well. It really is too bad they don't get to play Cheyney this year.

#9: MARANATHA BAPTIST BIBLE COLLEGE CRUSADERS (0-8, 33.375 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) - A 19 to nothing shutout road loss to Lakeland, though bad, was close enough to help them move down three spots. But this week, it's all about Rockford coming to town next weekend, and I am sure Watertown, Wisconsin, will be rocking with Jesus freaks excited that two never-won teams will come into town, but only one will leave still without a victory.

#10: NEWPORT NEWS APPRENTICE SCHOOL BUILDERS (0-7, 32.571 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) - At Webber, Apprentice only lost 17 to 14, helping themselves not seem so ghastly. Only two games left, both at home, and one against Southern Virginia in two weeks. Things are looking up for the Apprentice School.

#11: IDAHO STATE BENGALS (0-9, 31.889 avg. margin of defeat, #14 last week) - The road game this past week against Montana State was supposed to be Idaho State's easier game of the coming weeks, yet they dropped it 41 to 10. Now they get to go to Missoula this weekend to take on the undefeated Montana Grizzlies, a I-AA powerhouse for years now. By the way, in true football nerd fashion, I will now call it Division I-A and I-AA. Fuck all that BCS and FSBCS nonsense.

#12: DANA VIKINGS (0-9, 31.111 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) - 0-9, 31.111 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) - Before last weekend against Concordia, Dana had not held a team under 35 points this year. They kept Concordia's offense in check, only allowing 13 points. Their own offense didn't help any though. In fact, the only score they got was a safety by the defense, to lose 13 to 2.

#13: RICE OWLS (0-8, 30.625 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - Rice actually had the week off last weekend, but by virtue of other teams not being as bad as they usually are, the worst team in Divsion I-A football crept into the bottom part of this Shit List this week.

#14: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-8, 30.625 avg. margin of defeat, #10 last week) - A heartbreaking 20 to 15 home loss to Graceland College last week for the Wildcats of Culver-Stockton, leaving only two more chances to get off the goose egg.

Gone From This Last Week: New Mexico Highlands Cowboys (on Halloween day in Las Vegas, New Mexico, the Cowboys beat the Fort Lewis Skyhawks, 39 to 35).