AFFORDABILITY: The only Left Hand beer I'd previously drunken on purpose was their Porter, which is a fine fine beer that I fully endorse if cost is no cost to you. But the Left Hand beers tend to be pricey, and this Polestar Pilsner was no deviation from that. I just started a new job where I wear slacks with a crease and a button down shirt all day long, even keeping it tucked in, but I'm gonna have to be working a white ass tight ass job like this for the next decade to make Left Hand beer prices seem completely acceptable. I'll give it a try though. At least I was born white and can cut my hair and get a good job. I feel bad for the non-whites of this world who have to get by on their actual merit. 0 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I do not pretend that this is a scientific evaluation. It's been a while since I even drank these beers. And is the purpose of "good" beer just to destroy you? If getting super destroyed was the ultimate point, wouldn't investing in a good ball peen hammer and just concussing myself enough to be slightly stupid for the rest of my life do the trick? If not life debilitating brain injuries, then is the purpose is to slightly simulate this, slowly but surely, over the course of time, to make your brain not work entirely correctly but not destroy it completely right away either way? Does that mean you want to tax your brain slowly enough to alter reality, but not so bad you destroy reality, so that you can get the most life out of your brain, but at an altered angle as convenient? See, once you try to break down the science of it, too many variables come up. There are other places that pretend they review beer in a more scientific fashion, but they don't know shit about science. I do. That's why I'm here to just outright fess up this process, whether by me or anyone else, ain't scientific. There are too many mitigating factors, always, so don't even pretend. But I can tell you, with a somewhat solid memory, that I did not enjoy drinking this stupid Polestar Pilsner at all. Well, not much. I think I pretended myself into enjoying the first two, just because I used to love their Left Hand Blackjack Porter so much, but by the time I got around to the third beer, reality was too painfully obvious on my tastebuds to be ignored enough to hope for the alterations to take over. 0 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I will give the Left Handers props in one department - they make a nice label. The black background combined with color-popping diamond shaped graphics box is nice, and what they throw in there usually looks like the type of thing some dumbass would be willing to get tattooed on their back at some point. That's a compliment. The Polestar Pilsner is no exception, and combined with such a name, it just adds to how frustrated I ended up being by this. So much promise, so much set-up, squandered. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Left Hand was started up in the '90s by some homebrewing dudes in Colorado, which means they probably worked for defense contractors. I do not know what it is about military industrial complex government employees and high dollar elaborate beermaking that goes hand in hand, but it certainly does. Maybe it's being immersed in the bureaucratic mess that complicates even the simplest of things, like moving a desk, into forms and coordinating times between multiple people on a certain date. Maybe it's because everybody wants to get fucked up, but the hardest thing a military industrial complex dude can do is drink, which would also explain why a lot of homebrewers have bushy mustaches but well groomed hair. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I found the Polestar Pilsner experience to be a letdown, and will never revisit it, unless they figure out flat panel technology well enough to turn beer labels into simplified flat screens that can handle as much information as old Ataris did, and Polestar Pilsner realizes that in consumer testing, meaning me, people 100% of the time somehow associate the name “Polestar Pilsner” with the video game Pole Position, and they make it a Pole Position game you can play while you hold your beer. 1 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 2/5 STARS!
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