RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Friday, April 9

Yuengling Bock Beer

AFFORDABILITY: This was a brand of Yuengling that I had never before seen, and it was originally manufactured suggest retail priced at the high end of Yuenglings like they do here in Virginia for the Lord Chesterfield or Porter, a dollar more a six-pack than the regular shit, but for some reason it was on sale down to the other price, although at whatever store I saw this at, the regular price of Yuengling was higher than the regular price at most places I frequently frequent. But nonetheless, it was wacky Yuengling alternate jersey on a Monday night football game new flavor (probably seasonally related, being “bock” seems to be the running fake microbrew meme within big beer companies fake alterna-brands this spring part of the year of our fake lord 2010), and it was the same price as regular stupid Yuengling, so I just had to have it. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Bock beers seem to have goat motifs, which I do not compute. I thunk the bock meant springtime, which it is, because the snow has finally melted and it's been raining the past two days and the greens are starting to green up the hills and horizon. The central Virginia pimp parade of creeping phlox, purple redbuds and golden forsythias'll be pumping up the volume in the next week or two. But I'm not entirely sure on what makes goats a springtime thang, unless bock beer has some goatherder tradition. You'd think beer and goats would be something I'd be hip to, but the whole bock meme seems to be from recent years and not from forever. Nonetheless, having drunk a billion Yuenglings in my short lifetime, it was a pleasure to taste a different Yuengling. Well not really a pleasure, but I was like, "uhhhh... different" with my zombie ass consumer brain. So I drank all six. They worked. 3 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Honestly, the Yuengling Bock Beer is the best beer label I have ever seen in my whole stupid life. It is bold primary red, black, and white, like Shepard Fairey did it, just not so pretentious and gay and colostomy baggish. And it has a big gruffy goat drinking what I assume to be beer from a goblet, but not like all cartoonish and fancy. More like you left a glass full of beer sitting on the picnic table and a goat came up and started drinking it like how you would expect a goat to do that shit. And the label has some slightly questionable 1950s car ad font going on that was probably done by a gay graphic designer who thinks Mad Men is the best show ever, but still, this is the only beer label I've ever seen in my life that I would take the words off and have tattooed on my body, but only if the beer never becomes popular so strangers don't meet me and think, "Hahaha, what an asshole; he has a stupid Yuengling tattoo." 9 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I am sure I have mentioned this, probably many times, but at one point I ended up with my main man Boogie Brown at a dirt track somewhere west of Pittsburgh headed to Ohio and the fastest late model was sponsored by Yuengling proper, so if they can do that, then they are alright so far as I can remember. I know they're probably not the only beer that sponsors a race car, but while Budweiser and Miller Lite and MGD and shit like that sponsors million dollar Nascar bullshit where you can't touch each other, this was a Yuengling car at a bonafide dirt track, because it ain't racing if there ain't dirt in your beer. When I am declared by wealth and my own prophetic scriptures as Billionaire God of the Earthball, I am going to start a PR campaign to make people believe asphalt racing is barbaric pussy nature, and then we'll have giant dirt track circuits, except instead of spending three gazillion dollars on your own cars, everybody brings a car they built and has their sponsor bullshit on magnetic signs or vinyl or something, and you draw numbers and you end up racing someone else's car, but the driver's get points for being the best. That way we won't have this bullshit like we have now that is so fucking boring and painful and good lord even cough syrup with codeine lacing can't make it enjoyable for more than twenty minutes. 5 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Much like Kevin Spacek in The Usual Suspects, as soon as I realized this Yuengling Bock super awesome goat label beer was there, it was gone. This only makes me love it more, because I imagine the life we could’ve had together. The horseshoe games, the cookouts in the back yard with chill music blaring, the rides home from the racetrack in Waynesboro, the liquid lunches at the public park where I claim I was at a meeting across town. Oh weird Yuengling red, black, and white goathead beer, why the fuck were you a seasonal tease? Could you not have at least hung around long enough to enjoy the gorgeous purple/pink blossoms of the Virginia redbuds here in my springtime paradise? We could’ve been great together this afternoon. 6 out of 5.


Anonymous said...

Rouge, the goat is you. It is you at the picnic drinking your own beer, loving yourself, because that is what you would do. Goatherd.

Raven Mack said...

hahaha, awesome. no doubt man.