#1: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (7-0, 39.571 avg. margin of victory, #5 last week) – Destructed Wisconsin-River Falls in scenic and date rapery River Falls, 63 to 14. Maintained numero uno in divicion tres. There are no such things in real life anymore as “warhawks” because man has ultimately become a pussy and wants to technify things to make killing a motherfucker scientifically complicated as fuck to remove ourselves from being like, “yeah, I just beat that dude dead with a rock.”
#2: OREGON DUCKS (7-0, 39.286 avg. margin of victory, #4 last week) – Kicked UCLA’s ass like mad, 60 to 13 last weekend, wearing invisible lime green uniforms you could only see with special Nike 4D sunglasses. They are now #1 in all the voted Division I polls, but still only #2 in the BCS standings. There are no such things in real life as day-glo ducks, although if you do acid and have pure white mallards, they are fun to trap in the living room with your black light on.
#3: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (8-0, 37.250 avg. margin of victory, #8 last week) – Most lopsided win of the year last weekend for Sioux Falls, who beat the Dakota Wesleyans, 63 to 3, and maintained their kung fu grip on the #1 ranking in the NAIAs. I have never been to South Dakota, but would love to fuck an older woman in a rundown hotel there. For me older means like 50 tops, because older than that is creepy. Harold & Maude has always been the most creepy as fuck movie that ever existed. Seriously. I would rather watch bestiality snuff flicks than Harold & Maude.
#4: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (9-0, 36.667 avg. margin of victory, #9 last week) – And St. Xavier is #3 in the NAIAs. Last weekend they beat the Iowa Wesleyans, 65 to 6. It was obviously not a good weekend to be a midwestern wesleyan fan of obscure football. I have been to Illinois, but I would still enjoy fucking an older woman in a rundown hotel there, like maybe Lucinda Williams.
#5: SOUTH ALABAMA JAGUARS (7-0, 36.429 avg. margin of victory, #1 last week) – The Jaguars flew out to Killafornia and beat UC-Davis, 24 to 21, which harshed their average margin of victory buzz, dropping them to #5 on my nonsense list that nobody respects. But shout out to that random thread from some website that shows up in my webstats. Congrats to you USA boosters for a wonderful season of football. Your team logo is not very great, and looks like the Nittany Lions which is the absolute least design-worthy team to ever try to emulate.
#6: MINNESOTA-DULUTH BULLDOGS (8-0, 36.125 avg. margin of victory, #2 last week) – They wonned at Northern State last weekend, 27 to 7, and they are consistently being the #2 team in Division II. Ever since I watched Deadwood and they said “squareheads” for those people, when I meet people from Minnesota whose grandparents are from Germany and Sweden, and they have big square heads and know who will get drafted in this year’s amateur hockey draft, I laugh and laugh and laugh inside my head, and sometimes out loud. And when they go, “What’s so funy?” I answer, “Nothing,” even though really, it was something. Who the fuck laughs at nothing? I’m not a homeless retard with a brain destroyed by crack and alcoholic energy drinks.
#7: TRINE THUNDER (7-0, 35.714 avg. margin of victory, #3 last week) – They won at Hope last weekend, 31 to 10, and are still #8 in Division III football. They are the Trine Thunder and I imagine when the whole team busts through a paper sign to charge onto the field for a big Saturday afternoon home game, it does not sound like thunder so much as a bunch of white dudes and black guys who got higher than 1400 on the SATs running in the same direction as each other, literally and figuratively.
#8: BOISE STATE BRONCOS (6-0, 35.167 avg. margin of victory, #6 last week) – Well, my records here don’t take into consideration their goddamned stupid fucking game on Tuesday night, because mostly I figure normal college football ends on Saturday and might start on Thursday but mostly just Saturday. How the fuck am I supposed to take Boise State seriously if they play on a blue field on Tuesday nights? I mean, I love underdogs as much as anyone on this cursed earth, but Boise State is like a rollerball team or some shit. Fuck them.
#9: UTAH UTES (7-0, 34.857 avg. margin of victory, #12 last week) – Pretty much lower half of the top 10 of every of the 39 different Division I polls, and beated Colorado State last weekend, 59 to 6. If I could have sex with one cartoon character, it’d be the mom from Family Guy. If it was with one comic strip character, it would be Dagwood Bumstead’s wife, whose name I do not know, but she be looking tight. Better than her daughter even.
#10: WESLEY WOLVERINES (7-0, 34.143 avg. margin of victory, #7 last week) – Doesn’t look like they played last weekend, and are still ranked #3 in Division III. They are from Delaware. I didn’t realize they had private schools or whatever the fuck Wesley is in Delaware. I figured it to all be truck stops and University of Phoenixes Institutes.
#11: MOUNT UNION RAIDERS (7-0, 32.174 avg. margin of victory, #13 last week) – Shut out Capital, 38 to 0, and are still #2 in Division III footballs. There are no real life raiders anymore, because we have 49 laws for every three people. We are an overlegislated completely nagged to death by our government henpecked soulless fuckfaces. This is why football is so awesome to us.
#12: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (8-0, 30.875 avg. margin of victory, #14 last week) – They beat Air Force last weekend, 38 to 7, and are ranked #4 in most prominent Division I polls. My middle child has become fascinated with Christianity, which means someone somewhere is exposing it to her, because she ain’t getting it at home. The other day in the truck, she asked me and the oldest kid, “Do you know who Jesus is?” We both said yes, but she still answered her own question with, “He’s that guy that died.”
#13: MCPHERSON BULLDOGS (7-0, 30.857 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – They stomped on Southwestern, 55 to 21, at wherever Southwestern of Kansas College Thing is located at, and are still ranked #6 in the NAIAs. This nice victory helped them prop themselves back on this Bully List, which I’m sure the McPherson athletic department is going to include in their weekly email to their 19 boosters.
#14: WITTENBERG TIGERS (8-0, 29.125 avg. margin of victory, #10 last week) – Edged out Carnegie-Mellon, 27 to 21, falling down the Bully List, which means nothing, as I’ve made perfectly clear. They are #7 in Division III, and there’s a kid I work with who is an undergraduate, kinda tubby and son of a doctor, and not so sharp, and I secretly call him “Wittenberg” because that’s what he seems like to me.
Gone from the list from last week: #11 St. Thomas Tommies (barely beat Bethel last weekend, 10 to 6, thus falling off this list incrementally).
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